Newlyweds - Off to a bad start. Husband constantly lying

I’m so so sorry however you need to get out. He will not change he will just get smarter at hiding it from you. Don’t waste your time please. No one deserves the mind games he is playing with you.

View Quoted Comment 100% this. All of it.

I was with my ex for ten years (friends with him for fifteen) before I couldn't do it anymore. We had a child together. While I love her more than anything, I can't believe I let myself be in that position for so long. He made me think I was crazy. There was always lying. Always other women. Things would seem to be fine and good and then it would all blow up again. Any time I would find out something through a friend, or a hole in his story, or through snooping (once the trust was gone) he would get mad and turn it around as being my fault. I spent so much time trying to be better for him. It wasn't me that was the problem..

Get out now.

Hallie...
You don’t want to leave. You’re not tired of his lies. You’re frustrated and hurt and you’re going to stay. That sounds rude and harsh but your approach to this isn’t reflective of someone that’s fed up. That man married YOU. He vowed his life, love and loyalty to YOU. That’s it. He can’t be honest about finances? That’s a HUGE problem. He’s still talking with other people? HUGE problem. Those words aren’t for attention. He meant everything he said. You are his wife and there’s no amount of attention, sex or whatever that should ever persuade a man to disrespect and hurt his wife. Period. That’s childish. Immature. He does what he does because he can get away with it. You’ll forgive him. You’ll take him back. He’ll flip it back on you. He apologizes. Empathizes. Gets sneakier. The cycle repeats itself. You’re afraid to address it because you don’t want him to change the password. There’s nothing else to see here Hallie. He said exactly what he said. You shouldn’t have to snoop through your husbands phone or mail. I have access to my FHs mail and bank accounts. I got his password to his phone. I do not need that man to fall asleep to go looking for something. I can do it, if I wanted to. I don’t need to because I trust him. You don’t trust him and guess what? Chances are you won’t. How is that happy? How is that peaceful? How is that the marriage you’ve dreamt of? It’s not. These ladies will tell you to leave but you won’t. I won’t tell you to leave. I’ll encourage you to be realistic. You can love him however much you claim to love him. You can tell yourself whatever lie you need to stay with him but at some point, you have to be real with yourself for yourself and own sake. Is this what you want to do for the rest of your life? Is this the type of man you want to be with? Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling the need to check after him? Do you want to live in insecurity?

This isn’t your fault at all. He’s the ass. But, it will become your burden to carry if you don’t stand up for yourself, set the standard for the respect you deserve and be honest with yourself about what you need to live a happy, honest and peaceful life. I’m sorry this is your problem. I know it all too well. But, 3 months into your marriage? This should not be a thing at all, period. I wish you the best.

Take it from someone who went through all this exactly!(thankfully i left after the final straw.) He would not stop and would just get better at hiding it. My ex was just like your husband always chatting with other girls. I found out during a work trip that sent him to Orlando for the weekend. Something told me to access his email to see what he was doing and boy did i find out. He was messing girls off his email,snapchat, instagram and facebook. All inappropriate stuff at that too, with the girls sending him nudes. He of course changed all his passwords and apologized everyday. He started to show me he was trying to change and even wanted us to go to counseling. A few months later after we were "good" so i felt like i could final trust him and I let him fell asleep "after drinking" on our bed.(he had been sleeping on the couch for a while). Something told me to check his phone. I was literally shaking for no reason because i knew something would be on it. Well guess what, i found what i was looking for again and this time I confronted his ASS! For about an hour he was denying everything when i saw the pictures,the text, and found out he left to hook up with the girl on his lunch break! i asked him for the truth for one hour and threaten to call my parents to pick me up. He kept lying and i called my mom. While on the phone with my mom he then tried to be honest and give me his phone to talk. But it was over, i packed up my dog with some clothes and my parents came to MY APARTMENT to pick me at 2am to leave. From that day on I never looked back. This is a tough journey and only you will know when you have hit your limit. When the timing is right is when you will find out your answer. But i wouldn't waste my time anymore with him and whats hes telling other woman. Good luck and be strong. As soon as i left my ex i found my future husband when i wasn't looking! And we will be getting married next month! (Hey Alexa, play lose you to love me by selena gomez)

Oh honey...it sounds like your really love him and you want to see some kind of resolution to this...but I’m afraid the writing is on the wall.

To tell another woman that he wishes he was with them and that he “settled” for you is an absolute slap in the face. You can’t get more direct than that. You deserve a man who will cherish you and be damn thankful that you came into his life. Anything less is honestly not worth your time.

Oh hon... I haven’t read all the comments on this one but I did read your post in its entirety. The biggest, most impactful thing you’ve said is (I’m paraphrasing), “Why would I want to be with someone who lies to me?”

Your first step is start caring for yourself more... truly see yourself as the treasure you are. That can be a journey in and of itself, but trust me unless you go down that road nothing else will work for you in life. Your relationships, your career, etc... although that isn’t the point. The point is to be your own best friend no matter what happens to you in life.

Once you know yourself well enough and give a darn about yourself, you’ll know clearly what is best for you and what isn’t. Counseling (individual) may help you get there too.

I am so sorry you’re in this situation. Nobody should have to go through something like this, or feel as awful and conflicted as you do now. I wish you strength and love as you travel through this - with or without your husband. 🧡

View Quoted Comment I think you said it best...it doesn’t sound like Hallie is ready to pull that trigger based on her responses and that’s really okay...it takes time to see things for what they are. Like you mentioned, I think it’s important to really reflect on what you as a person deserve as it relates to respect, honestly, happiness, etc..

Hallie,

I am SO sorry you’re going through this. I went through something very similar with an ex... it eventually led to emotional and physical abuse when I would confront him.

You sound scared of your husband. You sound scared to talk to him. You should be able to talk to him about anything.

He should not be doing this, period. Stop making excuses for him.

Good luck in counseling, and we are all here for you!!

I would leave him immediately! He won't change...I've known a few men who have cheated their entire marriage and one even had a love child by one AND the wife still stayed and accepts the child. He has 3 daughters and now he's teaching them that it is okay to put up with this behavior. These men are in their 40's now so it doesn't get better. My son has a friend whose father is in his 60's and still cheats on his wife!!! Please leave before you get hurt or worse yet...contract a disease!

So, we had the talk last night. He called me on the phone after work as we were both driving home. My voice kept cracking b/c I was trying so hard not to cry. He kept asking what was wrong and that it sounded like I was about to cry. I kept just saying I was "fine". Over the next 20 mins, he tried talking to me (random stuff, what we wanted for dinner, etc) and I was just giving one-word answers. We ended up pulling into our driveway about the same time. He gets out of his car and comes over to me as I was getting out of my car. He's like "honey, what's wrong" and hugs me and stands there holding me. I barely hugged him back, and walked in the house. He asks me again what's wrong, and I start crying and say "I don't want us to fight about it", and he's like "I won't fight with you, I promise, just tell me please". I stood there for a minute and I said "I know you've been lying to me about money" and he looked confused. He asked what I meant, and I said "tell me where you REALLY got your computer from". He replied "at work" and I looked at him and shook my head. Then he said "okay, I got it on an ad for $20" and I said "no, you didn't" then asked to see that on his phone. He said he probably didn't have the ad anymore. I took the phone from him and found the ad (I immediately knew were it was since I looked thru his phone the night before). I scrolled right to it and showed him that it was for $60 (and his text said to the seller than he was on his way with that amount and would be there in 10 mins). And then he's like "well, that was the original price, but once I saw it in person, I demanded lower because it was scratched, and he accepted $20". (Um, I don't think so. The seller wouldn't drop his price from $60 to $20 for a scratch. I mean it's possible, but unlikely. He would have just sold it to someone else who would pay asking price). I replied by saying "well, $20 isn't free (What he said he got it for from work), is it?" and he said "no", and I said "why are you lying to me over money?" and he said "I don't know. I knew you'd be mad if I was spending money". Then he came over to me and apologized. I started crying, and told him he's not supposed to be spending (he's behind on bills and not paying his share, it's been falling to me) he said he was sorry and that he'll start saving. I told him "that's not all" then he asked "what else?", I asked for his phone. He handed it to me, I unlocked it and went to Snapchat. I opened the messages between him and the girl. His response was "saved" by the girl, her replies weren't, so I could only see what he said. But I scrolled to the message that said that he wished he could have been with her (but that she didn't want to be together) and that no one has compared to her and that he settled for me, and handed his phone back. He looked suprised. I started crying and walked away. He immediately followed me and grabbed me and held me and apologized. I said "you told me you would stop talking to her", he said "I will" and he showed me on his phone that he just deleted her from his friends list. I said "don't just delete her, you need to tell her you're not talking to her anymore b/c if she sees you in person, she's going to talk to you and think nothing's wrong, or she'll visit you at work b/c she can't get ahold of you anymore" and then he's like "well, then I have to add her back to message her or block her". Then I said "is what you said to her true?" and he said "no, I was just being hurtful towards you", and I said "why? We're not even fighting? Plus, it's on Snapchat, which you know I'd never be able to see. Except for this case, because she saved the message in the chat" and he said "well, I don't know if you'd ever see it" (he does know I'd never see it b/c Snapchat deletes messages after they're seen/after 24hrs, THAT is why he uses Snapchat with her vs. text, messenger, etc. (messenger at least documents when messages have been deleted). He kept holding me and said he was so sorry, and that he only wants me, and promised that it'll never happen again, and that he "means it". However, he told me that before and re-added her back. I don't know how to go forward. I tried to "move on" from it last night and tried to have a good time since it was our date night. It was good for the most part, but deep down, I was still hurting, and I ended up getting upset with him over something small. He got sick last night (food poisinging, we think from dinner) and went to bed early and we didn't talk for the rest of the night. I got up this morning and asked how he was feeling and he said not good. I have my individual therapy session this afternoon. But in the meantime, I don't know how I should communicate with him. I'm still hurt, but he's apologized, and he also DIDN'T get upset or mad at me for going through his phone. That didn't even come up at all, which I'm very surprised at.

The thing that upsets me the most is that I felt he was making excuses for why he was talking to her. He's like "it was sent to her when we were fighting one night” and I'm like no it wasn't, and told him the date and that he was talking to her last night (and we haven’t had a fight for at least a month). And he's like "I was very angry with you and was just trying to hurt you if you saw it", and I'm like "but you know I'd NEVER see your Snap messages b/c they delete right away" (fortunately, the girl happened to save this one, though). So b/c of that, I feel like he meant what he said to her because he knows it would delete and not be seen again. He knew I'd never see it, so that's why he said it to her. Right? And then he's like "well, the message is gone now because I just deleted her" (so the date couldn't be confirmed).

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I think you either need to confront him in counseling or just the two of you. We can't say he's saying that to one girl or many girls. If he's saying it to just one that's a problem but if he's saying it to many it's sounds more like an addiction problem. Lying about money is a whole other thing as well. People do this all the time in marriage though, hiding money away in separate accounts, etc. Not saying it's right, but something has to be said. And you have to stick up for yourself now! Emotional abuse is abuse whether he told you to your face or you read it. He's putting strain on the relationship by being a liar and hiding things.

Edit: I see you did confront him and he just gave you the run around. Now that you've already discussed it I think it's time to take it into a therapy session as saying "sorry" isn't a solution. He and you need real change and a game plan for his behavior or what you need as a person who is supposed to be connected with him.

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Well said. OP, please do not waste anymore time or energy on this horrible excuse of a human. No amount of rationalization or overthinking is going to change the fact that he has ZERO respect for you. I'm sorry but counselling and therapy is not going to magically change a person who is fundamentally not fit to be married.

Document his infidelity, get your finances together, and get OUT.

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"he also DIDN'T get upset or mad at me for going through his phone"

Uh, of course not. He is the one who is CHEATING on you. On what grounds does HE have to be angry that he is being exposed? Please, please have some self respect and leave this POS. You deserve better.

View Quoted Comment His reasons make literally zero sense. SnapChat is used because it deletes things after you send them so the fact he is claiming he said those things to hurt you makes no sense because you wouldn't have seen it unless you went through his phone. He is just looking for an excuse because he got caught. I think he will continue to lie and manipulate you because he has in the past and you've put up with. Unless you want to live the rest of your life like this then I would get out of this marriage aspa.

View Quoted Comment Hallie,

DO NOT rationalize his behavior. “He didn’t get upset or mad at me...”

He has NO grounds to be upset at you. The fact that you were scared about his potential reaction was...scary.

This is classic cheating behavior. He will continue to do this.

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Hallie,

He's not going to change, just hurt you again and again until you put a stop to it. I was with my ex 9 years,, 9 years full of manipulation, mental abuse and yeah cheating! Did it once, made an excuse, did it twice, well here's another excuse. By the time I realized his excuses all were meant to affect me for something I did?

I realized that what made me miserable was him, I no longer wanted to be with him, be touched by him or anything at all. Once I lost that I knew my heart did not feel the same for him and although it was incredibly difficult I was able to get out. I was lonely, felt super alone because I had lost my friends and created so much distance between my family and I. I had to rebuild and reopen doors that I had ignorantly shut myself!

I left him, it was hard because he begged and tried messing up my life. A few months later I found my now husband and have never been happier since then. I think we get comfortable sometimes, maybe too comfortable and the idea of change is scary but is it not scarier to think that you may be stuck in this forever.

Best of luck to you doll!

Get out the marriage. He’s proven repeatedly he can’t be trusted. You deserve better. You’ve given him another chance and you’ve been in counseling and he’s still up to no good. What he said to that other woman is unforgivable. I know it will be hard but a year from now you’ll thank yourself and feel so much better you left him.

He sounds a lot like my ex. He would cry/apologize to change and then do it again rinse repeat. So I left him. And now I’m with my husband and so happy. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! Be strong but I think you should get out the marriage and physically separate your living space from his so he can’t suck you back in. Hopefully you have family and friend support. Best of luck hun.