I just need to vent.
My husband and I were engaged last year and had planned a small wedding for May 2020. Because of Covid, we were forced to cancel, but my mom was diagnosed with cancer just 10 days before our wedding date so we decided to do a super small elopement ceremony on our original date. I had lost my dad right before I graduated from college and couldn't bear the thought of losing my mom before our wedding, especially when it would have been a non-issue if the pandemic had never happened and upended everything. Our elopement ended up being super small, informal, and very stressful, but we legally got married anyway. We pushed back our bigger event (just 60-80 people, so still on the small side) to June 2021.
Originally I was going to have just one bridesmaid, my best friend as my MOH, and my husband was going to have four groomsmen. My mom and MOH live in another state, so they didn't help me with any wedding planning at all, didn't go dress shopping with me or see my dress at all before the elopement, and I had to do all of the bridal stuff on my own. Well my MOH just found out she is pregnant which makes it likely that her due date would be on or very close to our rescheduled date. She's not married, wasn't trying to conceive, and while her current BF is a decent guy and probably the most stable relationship she's been in in a while, throughout my entire engagement I had to repeatedly ask her what address she wanted stuff sent to because she was on the fence about ending her relationship with him more than once. She's a few months younger than me but we are both in our mid-30s so we know it's likely now or never if we are going to have biological children, so she's excited, even though it's still really early and they have no plan and really haven't set themselves up to be able to financially support a child. I want to be excited for her, but it's kind of hard, especially when my husband and I have been so responsible in setting ourselves up financially, marrying so that health plan contingencies were in place, etc before trying for a baby. Thanks to the awful year 2020 has been, we had to seriously compromise our wedding plans and put off trying to conceive as I'm trying to help my mom through cancer treatments and we're concerned about Covid, and it just feels like we won't ever get the wedding or family we wanted.
I really want to be supportive of my friend, but I'm finding it really hard to not feel jealous, judgmental, and completely let down. Now it's possible I won't have any of the women important to me able to support me when we have our wedding. I want to be the bigger person and be there for my friend, but it really hurts that my wedding ended up being an afterthought and now we're going to focus on her having a baby for the next nine months, all the while I'm worried about my mom dying and my husband and I are running out of time to have a baby. I can't help but feel like I'm just not destined to ever celebrate anything important in my life, and that trying to be responsible about getting married and bringing another life into this world has just completely backfired on me. I felt completely alone on the day we got married (except for the parts where it was just me and my husband) and feel like my redo wedding will feel the same. I'm just tired of always having to put other people first and not even getting one day to celebrate myself.
All of the emotions aside, I don't even want to bother with any bridesmaids now but I'm worried my husband will feel really guilty including his groomsmen. They've already all purchased their suits and these guys are important to him and I want him to be able to have them there. I was fine with having uneven wedding parties but standing up there alone and having no one to help me get ready and do photos with will likely feel traumatic on top of all of the other losses I've experienced, and I don't want my loss to impact my husband being able to have his guys by his side.
I'm so sad, I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to talk to about it because the people I love most are all part of the drama and I don't want any of them to feel guilty.
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