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Just Said Yes February 2019

No sex

Simone, on February 20, 2019 at 10:10 AM Posted in Honeymoon 0 31

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Hi ladies....

usually I would never do this but I feel I have nobody to talk to, I’m too embarrassed and ashamed really to talk to my personal circle....

This is a little long but I really need unbiased opinions....

Background: we’re best friends. We do everything together and make fun out of any situation. We’ve been through so much and have had high ups and low downs, always coming back stronger. I’d say our relationship is 9/10 because it’ll never be perfect but close to is fine! We never bicker or fight or argue. Since we met we’ve fought 3x, that’s it. One thing I love is we’re so harmonious. It’s peaceful and happy!

So fast forward.....

my husband (of 6 days) won’t have sex with me or kiss me! We have been so excited for this and got married on Valentine’s Day then planned a big trip with the family. It was a very long but fun drive, we had an absolute blast! (We went to Mall of America)

We had our own King Suite. It was great! So I get Thursday night didn’t happen, we were both up together til 5am to get up for that big trip at 630am.....Friday night we get there and do some different activities then he’s tired, totally okay. Come Saturday we get back to the hotel and....nothing! I tried to kiss him and get him going and he just didn’t want to, okay he is tired. Come Sunday I tried first thing in the am, because he wouldn’t be too tired then right!? And nothing....I go all day feeling hurt and confused and so rejected. Then I’m like you know what, it’s our last night, let’s make the most of it! So that night we’re finally getting somewhere (just kissing) and then he gets up and walks away....literally! Never even got to make out. I was so upset I’m like whatever I’m going to sleep...HEAD TO TOE! Then I got up in the middle of the night, put some sexy lingerie on, got back into bed and woke him up, nothing. Then a couple hours again....nothing! He’d kiss me for a second then turn over.
Come the morning, I was a mess. I couldn’t stop crying because I was so extremely hurt and embarrassed. I tried so hard to get rejected....the fact he’d just get up and walk away? It hurts. When he comes back, um no, moments passed. So we had a big deal about it, ruined the last day because I just couldn’t get out of my emotions of feeling disgusting, unwanted and ugly. So it was a loooong drive home and we went over it several times and he apologized and asked to start over. I’m crushed because we’ll never get those special days back...we’ll never have a honeymoon again. (The first one anyways) I would totally understand if we were both just too tired, but that wasn’t the case. He rejected me 4x!!! From Thursday to Monday, we didn’t even sleep together! Or touch or cuddle....NOTHING!!
So we get home Tuesday am at 5, to be up for work and school at 7....we didn’t even sleep or touch or cuddle together......then comes last night......
kids are in bed and I took a shower and made sure to get an extra close shave and put on sexy, lace lingerie under my robe.(he had no idea) Then after watching some tv, I’m like let’s try again.....he starts kissing me and it feels so forced and like an obligation! (At least he was “excited”) No fun, no passion, nothing. So he opens my robe and was so surprised and had me get up and spin around, he said he loved it and started kissing me while standing up, still not good....get on the bed and he tried to kiss me again and then just was so weird and awkward and then he went soft. I’m laying here so humiliated because not only have I tried so many times, to get rejected, I feel humiliated and extremely hurt that after seeing me in lingerie he goes soft. Am I that much of a turn off? What is going on!? I have body image issues so for me to put that on took everything I had! For nothing but to be rejected again. Then he goes and sleeps in another room while I cried myself to sleep.

I don’t know what to do!! Before we got married we’d make out or yada yada and never an issue for anything...now that we’re married.....???

I am so hurt and crushed and feel so rejected and ugly and worthless.....I don’t know what to think, I’m sooo confused on what’s happening right now....
I’m heartbroken....
(I feel I should clarify it’s not the lack of actual sex that is making me feel this way, it’s the rejection, the being unwanted, then hurt, the point)

can I please get some honest thoughts??

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31 Comments

Latest activity by Fianna, on July 6, 2022 at 10:56 AM

Master June 2019
Danielle · on February 20, 2019 at 10:29 AM
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First off, I don't know you but based off of your picture you are not ugly in anyway! So get that out of your head. Second of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand and would probably be feeling the same exact way. The only thing I can try to do is understand why on earth he would be acting this way. My best guess is that maybe the pressure is getting to him. It could be that the pressure of what is expected on the honeymoon got him all worked up in his own mind that he shut down. Or he could be going through something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, sex, or y'all's relationship. A distracted mind can cause a lack of sex drive. Is there some sort of stress at his job or a big change that he is experiencing? Also, a hormone imbalance (do guys have hormones? haha...I think they do) can cause a lack of sex drive. Again though, I'm sure you aren't the reason he is uninterested in sex at this time.
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Savvy November 2019
Katelyn · on February 20, 2019 at 10:37 AM
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Hun I am so sorry you are going through this. My fiance and I went through a rough patch not too long ago. I felt the same way you did because it was really hard to get him sexually excited and I felt like there was something wrong with me. At the time he was going through stuff and wasn't communicating with me. He was really stressed and worried about things going on in our life he felt he had no control over. I sat down and had a honest conversation with him with plenty of crying and we talked about everything. That is 100% the best thing to do. It's been a little while since this happened and our relationship has really changed for the better. I hope this helps and just remember that you are beautiful.
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VIP June 2019
Danielle K · on February 20, 2019 at 10:52 AM
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Okay. Clarification time. Were either of you virgins before marriage?
Have you had an active sex life before the wedding? Did you discuss any changes like after the wedding trying for kids or anything? Has sex after marriage been anything talked about to or by your husband?
Also, girl you are beautiful. based of your picture I can say in my opinion you are beautiful, and based of the fact your husband literally JUST MARRIED you I can say he thinks you are beautiful! That said I understand self esteem issues. I am a thousand times bigger than I have been in my life but I feel more beautiful now because of the man I am with. If your husband has never made you feel bad about your looks before, then please do not take this situation to mean he is turned off by you.
IMO this sounds like 1. your DH was feeling pressure. When men feel pressure to preform it is extremely common for them to be unable to become erect. This (again IMO) could have caused your DH to leave the room or seemingly reject you. He was probably very embarrassed and ashamed. You becoming upset and crying (P.S. 100% justifiable) may have escalated his feeling pressured.
My advice.
1. relax - YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW. forget about the honeymoon or the expectation for sex. You have the rest of your lives. Trust me there will be plenty.
2. When things are in no way sexual, and you are completely alone and in a good head space (not angry or flustered) talk to DH. do not confront or accuse just ask. start an open discussion.
3. I encourage both of you to take care of your selves just till you get back in the swing of completion.
4. I would strongly advise seeing a sex therapist. Do not see this as a last case cenario or a final attempt. This is not a bad thing but rather up there with date night or buying a new nighty. This just spices things up.
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Mim · on February 20, 2019 at 10:55 AM
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When is the last time he had a physical? There are a number of health issues that can impact sexual desire and function. Some medications have the same effect. Some antidepressants actually make it hard to finish, leaving a man with a lot of discomfort and frustration. A doctor's visit could well be in order.
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Dedicated July 2019
Nicki · on February 20, 2019 at 11:05 AM
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I agree with Mim. The fact that you said he was aroused then went soft makes me think he is dealing with a medical issue and he has probably rejected you because he is too embarrassed. Try talking to him about it and how it makes you feel and help him make an appointment if he thinks it is medical.

That neing said, it is no fun for you either way and I am sorry!
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Dedicated September 2024
· on February 20, 2019 at 11:12 AM
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First step, breathe.
Second step, it probably has nothing to do with you. It could be pressure of now being marrier to you that's getting to him or maybe the stress of marriage (A lot of guys I'm friends with had this happen to them when they got married) Or it could be he's depressed. I personally suffer from depression and it often creates a low sex drive.
Which brings us to step three, get out of your head amd into his. Talk to him as calmly as possible without letting emotions get the best of you. Be as empathetic as possible. He might not talk right away but that's okay, give him time.
Based on your picture you are not ugly at all and you said you never had intimacy problems before, right? I understand feeling how you feel, I would feel the exact same way and its easy to sit on the outside and give advice, but the absolute best thing to do right now is try to take a step back and see this from his POV or from an outsiders POV (or both) and go from there.
Best of luck with everything and congratulations on the wedding. 💕
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Savvy October 2020
Clairissa · on February 20, 2019 at 11:21 AM
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Sometimes guys need time. It sounds weird because they’re thought to be more sexually active than women, but things like stress can really get to them! We had a rough patch not too long ago as well, and I got to the point where I was feeling what you were feeling. So I finally just talked to him and I kindly explained my feelings and he kindly explained his. That definitely helped us a lot! I realized that I wasn’t the problem, life was. I felt better about me and it helped take pressure off him as well.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on February 20, 2019 at 11:22 AM
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I totally understand how you would feel hurt and rejected, and I’m so sorry you are going through this! BUT I really don’t think he intended for you to feel this way, here is my guess on what happened...... your honeymoon, yes it is your honeymoon but personally I am always exhausted on vacation lol. You’re usually busy doing stuff all day and personally I never sleep as well in a hotel bed as I do in my own... I entirely believe that he was just too tired from being on vacation, honeymoon or not.

I also think, at this point, that since you’ve fought about it so much and he’s seen how hurt you’ve gotten, that is probably putting a TON more pressure on him, and being under pressure to perform is probably what is making it seem like he is forcing himself to do it and making him go soft. That’s a biological reaction to being under stress... I don’t think it has anything to do with lack of attraction, probably just the pressure of him wanting to make sure he doesn’t make you upset again is ironically making him unable to perform.

If I were you, I think you need to take the pressure off him. He is your husband, and you love him, sex or no sex. Relax and enjoy each other’s company for a few days. Maybe even make a pact to not even try for sex for say, a week. That will allow for a week of no pressure for him, and no upset for you. Then try again with a clean slate!

Good luck!!
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Just Said Yes February 2019
Simone · on February 20, 2019 at 11:43 AM
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It’s definitely not a medical issue as up until the day before we were married it was fine! So maybe it’s a mental thing?? I don’t know but it’s caused a huuuuge rift between us to the point we’re not talking. I don’t want to hear I’m sorry or bla bla like that doesn’t make me feel better. Telling me I looked amazing doesn’t help. Obviously it’s something with me because there’s no other explanation.....and if being away on a fantastic vacation/honeymoon away from “life” doesn’t help, nothing will I think. I’m just so upset!! I may sound petty I just am hurt and I’m sad to tell everyone how great everything is when I feel so beyond low.
Thanks so much for the responses! I really appreciate it ❤️
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Just Said Yes February 2019
Simone · on February 20, 2019 at 11:45 AM
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Fantastic advice, thank you!! I never thought of it that way
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Devoted August 2021
Monica · on February 20, 2019 at 11:47 AM
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I am SO sorry you're going through this! Your hurt feelings are completely valid. I agree with the others that there is most likely something else going on for him that has nothing to do with you. However, he's your husband and best friend and you collaboratively need to work on communicating. Him just up and walking away to sleep in a different room, leaving you crying and alone is NOT okay no matter the reason. I would wait for a time when you guys are alone and calm and have a rational discussion. This is hard for me because I always start crying but try not to! Tell him how you feel and talk through this issue. It's most likely not personal, even though I'm sure it feels that way. Good luck!
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on February 20, 2019 at 11:50 AM
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No problem, I hope it is helpful to you, and I am sure everything will work out! Patches like this are normal in every relationship. I think the best thing to do is to just keep reminding yourself (and be sure remind him too!) that sex is NOT the most important thing in your relationship. Take some time to focus on the other aspects of your relationship, remind yourselves of why you got married (I guarantee it was for a whole bunch reasons that did not include sex! Lol) and then the sex will return naturally

I know it is MUCH easier said than done to say “don’t be upset” but seriously, try not to be upset lol. The more upset you get the more pressure it will bring and the more difficult it will be to correct this!
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Expert August 2019
N · on February 20, 2019 at 11:53 AM
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Def have a conversation when things cool off
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Super July 2019
Crystal · on February 20, 2019 at 11:54 AM
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It might be a medical issue that maybe hes soooo embarrassed about and trying to hide. Maybe his testosterone is very low which will cause poor arousal and erectile dysfunction! Get him to go to a check up. Might be something off with his hormone balances
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Super April 2019
Emilie · on February 20, 2019 at 11:58 AM
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A few years back FH and I through something kind of like this... so FH thought he would surprise me and trim/shave since I always do and ended up getting a pretty bad ingrown hair that was not only painful but looked pretty bad! He was SO embarrassed that he kept shutting me down and I was thinking it was me! Not that i think this is what happened, but maybe just be completely open and honest with him... you could be something so insignificant! Try not to think the worst before you know for sure (I know easier said then done). But now that you are husband and wife communication is 1000% important!!! Good luck OP!
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on February 20, 2019 at 11:59 AM
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I'm sorry you are experiencing this with your husband. If you are open to couples therapy, I'd suggest trying. They have couples therapy that can focus on intimacy. There is nothing wrong with getting outside help in this scenario, and being in a safe place to discuss it openly. It's a sensitive subject to deal with at home.
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Master May 2020
Tara · on February 20, 2019 at 12:13 PM
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You have kids together? Meaning he’s slept with you multiple times before?! I agree with the other ladies that it’s HIS issue, probably nothing to do with you.
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Just Said Yes February 2019
Simone · on February 20, 2019 at 1:07 PM
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He has 1 son from his last marriage and I have 3, so 4 all together. We never had real sex but very close to and never, ever even a slight issue. We had to stop ourselves before we went all the way because we both wanted to wait for marriage and do it the “right way” so I give up
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Just Said Yes February 2019
Simone · on February 20, 2019 at 1:11 PM
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Well for me it’s not the sex that is the problem I mean we went without our entire relationship! It’s the fact he won’t even try or put effort all of a sudden and won’t even sleep with me now, all of that you know? If we didn’t have sex for a while I’m fine either way but we could still cuddle or hold hands or anything! Anything at all and here we are day 6 of nothing.....our entire relationship is flipped because up until us getting married he couldn’t keep his hands off me......I’m so confused
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Dedicated October 2019
Katie · on February 20, 2019 at 2:51 PM
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Hello!

It's not much advice but I have read that some brides go through a post-wedding anxiety trying to deal with the big change. It might be something similar to how he's feeling since men have feelings too, but I would definitely try to take some deep breaths to calm down and communicate clearly to him.

I wish you all the best!!
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