Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Just Said Yes February 2019

No sex

Flag
Hide content

Simone, on February 20, 2019 at 10:10 AM

Hi ladies....

usually I would never do this but I feel I have nobody to talk to, I’m too embarrassed and ashamed really to talk to my personal circle....

This is a little long but I really need unbiased opinions....

Background: we’re best friends. We do everything together and make fun out of any situation. We’ve been through so much and have had high ups and low downs, always coming back stronger. I’d say our relationship is 9/10 because it’ll never be perfect but close to is fine! We never bicker or fight or argue. Since we met we’ve fought 3x, that’s it. One thing I love is we’re so harmonious. It’s peaceful and happy!

So fast forward.....

my husband (of 6 days) won’t have sex with me or kiss me! We have been so excited for this and got married on Valentine’s Day then planned a big trip with the family. It was a very long but fun drive, we had an absolute blast! (We went to Mall of America)

We had our own King Suite. It was great! So I get Thursday night didn’t happen, we were both up together til 5am to get up for that big trip at 630am.....Friday night we get there and do some different activities then he’s tired, totally okay. Come Saturday we get back to the hotel and....nothing! I tried to kiss him and get him going and he just didn’t want to, okay he is tired. Come Sunday I tried first thing in the am, because he wouldn’t be too tired then right!? And nothing....I go all day feeling hurt and confused and so rejected. Then I’m like you know what, it’s our last night, let’s make the most of it! So that night we’re finally getting somewhere (just kissing) and then he gets up and walks away....literally! Never even got to make out. I was so upset I’m like whatever I’m going to sleep...HEAD TO TOE! Then I got up in the middle of the night, put some sexy lingerie on, got back into bed and woke him up, nothing. Then a couple hours again....nothing! He’d kiss me for a second then turn over.
Come the morning, I was a mess. I couldn’t stop crying because I was so extremely hurt and embarrassed. I tried so hard to get rejected....the fact he’d just get up and walk away? It hurts. When he comes back, um no, moments passed. So we had a big deal about it, ruined the last day because I just couldn’t get out of my emotions of feeling disgusting, unwanted and ugly. So it was a loooong drive home and we went over it several times and he apologized and asked to start over. I’m crushed because we’ll never get those special days back...we’ll never have a honeymoon again. (The first one anyways) I would totally understand if we were both just too tired, but that wasn’t the case. He rejected me 4x!!! From Thursday to Monday, we didn’t even sleep together! Or touch or cuddle....NOTHING!!
So we get home Tuesday am at 5, to be up for work and school at 7....we didn’t even sleep or touch or cuddle together......then comes last night......
kids are in bed and I took a shower and made sure to get an extra close shave and put on sexy, lace lingerie under my robe.(he had no idea) Then after watching some tv, I’m like let’s try again.....he starts kissing me and it feels so forced and like an obligation! (At least he was “excited”) No fun, no passion, nothing. So he opens my robe and was so surprised and had me get up and spin around, he said he loved it and started kissing me while standing up, still not good....get on the bed and he tried to kiss me again and then just was so weird and awkward and then he went soft. I’m laying here so humiliated because not only have I tried so many times, to get rejected, I feel humiliated and extremely hurt that after seeing me in lingerie he goes soft. Am I that much of a turn off? What is going on!? I have body image issues so for me to put that on took everything I had! For nothing but to be rejected again. Then he goes and sleeps in another room while I cried myself to sleep.

I don’t know what to do!! Before we got married we’d make out or yada yada and never an issue for anything...now that we’re married.....???

I am so hurt and crushed and feel so rejected and ugly and worthless.....I don’t know what to think, I’m sooo confused on what’s happening right now....
I’m heartbroken....
(I feel I should clarify it’s not the lack of actual sex that is making me feel this way, it’s the rejection, the being unwanted, then hurt, the point)

can I please get some honest thoughts??

Show all

31 Comments

Master October 2018
HayMrsO · on February 20, 2019 at 6:30 PM
Flag

Hide content
Oooook. so you DIDN'T have actual sex before you were married? Which is fine (I am in awe of the restraint you both showed!) no judgement at all on that part. First of all, you are not ugly! I think this has nothing to do with you and is all in his head. I am sure after waiting all this time to actually do the deed and the moment comes up and he can't quite get there. Then he gets in his feelings about it and it spirals out of control. I know that if I put too much pressure on my husband to perform, it usually backfires and makes it so he can't. Some people use that as foreplay...for him it does the opposite.
I think you had this grand. movie-esque idea of what was going to happen on your honeymoon (and why shouldn't you have when you have waited for that moment?) and when it didn't happen and you were upset about it, he felt bad. Feeling bad is the last thing you want when your partner is trying to arouse you, but your psyche does not always cooperate. Now it just snowballed in to this.
Communication has to start. It is ok for you to be hurt and feel rejected. It is ok for him to feel embarrassed and pull away. But not talking over something like this is not going to fix it. Don't let the resentment start now. It is so hard to overcome! In the end, you love him, he is your husband, and you are both going to have to make this work. Like a PP said, maybe take sex off the table. Take the pressure off. No sex for a week, a month, whatever you both feel comfortable with. Talk about how you are feeling. Not "You made me feel rejected. You hurt my feelings." etc. More like "I am feeling rejected. I am feeling hurt. I want to move past all of that" etc. He can talk about what he is feeling and not accuse you of anything either. I am sure that neither of you meant for the other to feel the way that they are feeling right now. One of you has to step up and say "How are we going to fix this?" It sounds like you miss the intimacy with him. Tell him.
A therapist may be a huge help. I have never regretted a moment I have spent working on myself or my relationships.
Best of luck to you! Sex is an important part of any marriage. I hope you all can work this out soon.
- Reply
Just Said Yes February 2019
Simone · on February 22, 2019 at 11:12 AM
Flag

Hide content
***UPDATE***

thank you all so much for the help, encouragement and advice!

After going around and around and emotions so high, we took a breath and talked about it....he finally told me he was embarrassed because it’s like he had “stage fright” and he wants to, he just couldn’t because he was so worried to disappointment me, especially because it’s the very first time and a big deal.....

then hes like, let’s just go try it now.....and we did and....IT....WAS...GREAT!!

We are now on the same page and definitely have learned how important it is to communicate with each other. And if something like that is going on, to TALK TO EACH OTHER and not try to hide things

I'm just so happy to have my best friend back ❤️
- Reply
Devoted August 2021
Monica · on February 22, 2019 at 8:17 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Yay! So happy for you!
- Reply
Dedicated October 2019
Katie · on February 22, 2019 at 8:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

That's great news! I'm really happy for you both!!!
- Reply
Just Said Yes November 2019
Courtney · on November 18, 2019 at 3:58 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Hi Simone, I found this post when I was googling because I’m having a very similar issue (and don’t feel like I can talk about it with any of my good friends without embarrassing my husband). I related so much to what you said - we also waited until marriage, super passionate relationship and had to constantly keep ourselves in check, and have been married two weeks, and I was so excited for the physical part of our marriage, but now feel like it’s always me initiating sex and he doesn’t seem as interested. It’s been so baffling to me. I saw you got married back in February and was wondering how did everything work out with you and your husband? Were you guys able to resolve things and what did you do? Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone because I know it was helpful for me to read your post and know that I’m not the only one.
- Reply
Just Said Yes November 2019
Courtney · on November 18, 2019 at 4:01 AM
Flag

Hide content
Oops just saw your follow up post! Glad it worked out for you guys and hopeful that it’ll get better for us as well
- Reply
Winfield · on January 30, 2020 at 4:46 PM
Flag

Hide content
Please be careful, this is not the right behaviour of this man at all, this is the behaviour of an emotional abuser. Please research and you will see what I mean, this happened to me and I stayed with him for years because friendship etc. But his behaviour is not normal I am so sorry, this is so not how it should be for you (((((( Sending lots of love and hugs
- Reply
Winfield · on January 30, 2020 at 4:48 PM
Flag

Hide content
Just read your post sorry! hope it all goes okay sounds like you've sorted things and as he says just stage fright! Lots of love XXX
- Reply
Master May 2020
Kari · on February 5, 2020 at 7:25 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

Yay, so happy for you!
- Reply
Just Said Yes June 2021
Steve · on March 7, 2021 at 11:03 AM
Flag

Hide content
I'm really sorry you're going through this, but as I was reading the replies, I couldn't help but think about the elephant in the room -sex is a gift given by God and only to be enjoyed (and wow, is it enjoyable!) in the confines of marriage. I am currently courting my girlfriend and we are discussing marriage plans. Our committment to Jesus Christ comes first. He died on the cross and rose on the third day to ransom lost sinners. The Bible tells me to love her like Christ loves the church and to wash her in the water of the Word. I take this to mean that she is God's daughter and I'd better set perameters in our dating life so we don't cross the line. For us, this means no "getting vertical" before our first special night. We are both looking forward to making love for the first time together. (I'm a divorced man with 2 children and she's not a virgin, but tells me she feels like one ) We're not going to give in to temptation and sabotage what will be God's gift for the rest of our lives. Being submitted to God makes things so much easier, because Christians are supposed to yield to the Holy Spirit. I will pray that God will restore your marriage and your sex life. Trust in Jesus and the best is yet to come!
- Reply

Just Said Yes August 2023
Fianna · on July 6, 2022 at 10:56 AM
Flag

Hide content
First of all, I would like to say that I am very sorry that you have to go through such terrible difficulties. I didn't quite understand, did you talk about this topic directly with your husband? Perhaps the whole point here is that he has problems with potency, purely on a physiological level. In this case, I advise you to talk to him and suggest he try certain medications for potency. You can see some options on starkhane.com ; there are very good prices and fast delivery of pills. In this case, the most important thing is to talk and understand what is going on in the partner's head. Moreover, you have been friends for so long, so I think that sooner or later he will be able to trust you and tell you what the problem is.
- Reply