No Show brother

It’s a hard situation. This is why most people suggest inviting in circles (ie, inviting all members of a particular group) in order to prevent these feelings. I understand the thought process that weddings are expensive and you only want to invite those you are closest to. But, it is also human nature to feel sad/disappointed/left out when you aren’t invited to an event and your peers/family members are (especially when the parents were invited, as well as other cousins!). I’m sure the cousin is feeling very singled out, and your brother & SIL are feeling hurt for him. I would definitely give them a pass on this one! Their not attending was them supporting their child (which I’m sure you know as a parent, will always come before attending a party). Yes, they should have spoken to you about it earlier since they had RSVP’ed yes. That was rude on their parts. But, it’s definitely nothing for you to create more drama over. I suggest letting this go and trying to sympathize with their point of view. This is not something to ruin a family relationship over.

Oh, yes, I can understand how that might have happened. I know it's too late, but that's why we say to invite in "circles", as Cece says above. Once you start leaving people out, then there's a possibility of hurting feelings. I'm guessing that's what happened, and your brother handled it the best way he felt he could. I'd give them a pass too.

The no show was rude and passive aggressive IMO. I don't think your brother handled that very well, his reasoning notwithstanding. I'm sure he unnecessarily cost you a lot of money with that little stunt. On the other hand, you opened the door to hurt feelings by inviting other nieces and nephews and excluding him. Unless there was some very good reason to exclude him, ie he's violent, a criminal, an addict etc. personally I would have invited in circles, ie all first cousins or none.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate your answers and advice. My only other thought was that they are upset with me, the MOG. Shouldn't the wedding couple have responsibility for the guest list? This was completely off my radar.

While it may not make sense, is it really worth holding this over his head and creating a rift that may not be repairable? You can feel whatever you need to but let it go and don’t pursue the matter with him.

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You said "we" had a limited budget, so I assumed you were hosts or co-hosts. If not, then you're right that the couple is, of course, responsible. Your brother obviously thought you had influence there, or should have. I'd let him know it was not your call or up to you.

View Quoted Comment The way I took it is the brother only brought this to her attention because she text him first. Had she not text him asking his whereabouts, he very well may have brought it to the attention of the bride and groom. Or perhaps he wouldn’t have even addressed it at all. It sounds like they were trying to avoid causing a scene/taking attention away from the couple/wedding. But I agree, the post is written in a way that suggests the author was also hosting/co-hosting the wedding. Plus, this is her brother. It’s quite natural for siblings to vent to siblings. Which may be all it was – just him expressing his feelings and giving her the explanation she wanted for their lack of attendance, and not so much blaming her for what happened.

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I'm not sure if OP is saying the brother could be upset with her or that he is upset with her. I read it as the latter. OP?

View Quoted Comment Thank you for all the feedback; it'sbeen so helpful!. We did co-host the wedding and other cousins were not invited and seemed to understand and finally, my son has some vivid bad memories of lhis cousin when they were kids.

View Quoted Comment My brother and SIL definitely blamed me and said I should have intervened because I was his godmother. I left the decision in the hands of my son because it was his wedding and did not think beyond that.

If you are a co-host I can see why your brother may have been hurt and thought you had input or might have requested your nephew be invited since other nieces and nephews were included.


Every guideline has exceptions though and if this cousin was or is anything more than annoying you had good cause to leave him out for the sake of your son.
While your brother’s approach was the exact opposite of considerate, IMO, in fact it was pretty offensive, I think the bigger picture is for you both to try to understand where the other was coming from. Ultimately, I’d try to put it behind you for the sake of family. It’s just not worth it.

I would try talking to your brother privately. Express your concerns and hear his side. Sometimes people just need their feelings validated. Weddings are a celebration and when not included people can feel hurt and rejected. I would try to mend things as it’s family.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Olivia, I have learned a lot!