No trust in marriage

He sounds like he's in some sort of downward spiral or something, like going through a life crisis. The steroids, the drinking, talking to other women, my FH's father did the same thing during his "mid-life crisis". Depression runs in that side of the family but FH's father has always denied that anxiety/depression is a real thing (and depression is something he DEFINITELY has) so he'd never seek help. He ended up cheating on FH's mother (which he had done multiple times throughout their marriage) but this time he actually left her for the woman he was seeing. He married her a week after the divorce was finalized.

If this is totally out of character for your husband, I would try to have a heart to heart. Something has got to be going on in his head to make him act so extreme all of a sudden. Could he be depressed?

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I know it can't be easy. I don't think you're being crazy at all, but I'd like to think that something is causing your husband to act so differently and that maybe this can be fixed before it's too late. Whatever happens, please don't blame yourself. If you've done all you can on your end, you're not to blame. Wishing you the best

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Thank you. I try to talk. Most of the time he talks over me, or starts to yell which I find unproductive. So I'll just walk away. That is pretty much why we started therapy because we needed a mediator. I'm a cool down and think about what you want to say person, and he's a talk now or forever hold your peace type. I wrote down some of the things I want to say, but it's up to him if he wants to listen or not. :/

I’m so sorry you are going through this :-/. I think he has some insecurities and wishes he had a different body aside from what you think. He’s got to get to the point where he loves himself which is some self growth and healing he’s got to work on. We all have issues in need of healing and self-growth. It is pretty clear that all of this is effecting your relationship with each other. I would explain this to him in a clear but loving way. Talk to him about finding other solutions to growing and self healing than to substances and feeding into the securities. There are ways to get through this without making more problems for him and you both. The only way towards change is his awareness and sometimes hearing it from someone else opens up the right path. Counseling for him and you both separately and together will help tremendously, maybe not at first but in time.

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I understand. Like I said, if you've done all you can do it's not your fault. Has he always had an issue with listening or being too fired up to actually have a discussion?

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He doesn't have much self awareness when it comes to the issues, he turns it around on me saying i'm either too sensitive or insensitive. I really want to be supportive, but I'm at a loss. He did tell me he wants to start going to therapy on his own. I think maybe he does have depressive issues, and maybe he is starting to go through mid-life. It's just so hard to choose to be a doormat while someone works through their issues.

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This is pretty much a brand new personality. The reason I fell for him was because of how sensitive he was. Empathetic and pretty much no anger issues.. He's completely different. The therapist did explain to us that trust can be lost with inconsistency, but he still just tells me over and over that he hasn't done anything to be questioned.

At the end of the day I want to respect myself and my intuition, a part of me does feel like he's been taking things to far with other people. But I also don't want to ruin my marriage over intuition.

I am so sorry you're going through this. It's good that you're already in therapy. Have you been able to share all of these concerns with your therapist yet? I agree with PP that couples counseling as well as individual counseling may help. When someone goes through an experience like you have described, it can alter a lot more than just the relationship. Number one priority is making sure both of you are healthy individually so you can be healthy together. It sounds like there are some deep wounds somewhere that have surfaced since the wedding. These are not your to fix, but if you're willing to support him, make sure you are doing so from a safe and healthy place. I wish you both well and truly hope it works out for the best.

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Just off of what I've seen in my own experiences, this really sounds to me like an internal issue he's having with himself and he's taking it out on you. Really the only thing you can do is be there for him and try to urge him to see someone individually about it. He may not even realize it's happening or he may just be in denial because it's a hard thing to admit sometimes. If he refuses to get help or at least try to for your sake and for your marriage, then there's nothing more you can do. Maybe if you recommend you both go to counseling individually, he might do it if he knows you are too. That way he won't feel so attacked or targeted. I hope you can both figure things out, but try to take care of yourself too

Unfortunately I was in a very similar situation five years ago.. we divorced in less than a year. He completely changed after we moved due to my job. He began to use black market supplements secretly and had many side effects.. we never went to bed together, he was always up super late, he cleared his computer history when I asked to use it to search for something, he never had any money which meant I was financially responsible for everything.. and then I discovered the lies about him "working late" and learned about a girl named Anna. Three different counselors didn't work for us.. I SO hope your situation can turn out differently.. if you need someone who knows almost exactly what you're going through, please private message me. Keep your head up... happiness is out there, you just might not know what it really looks like yet.

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I messaged you

I hope everything works out for you guys and that he finds the help that he may need and that you do too. i agree with PPs that it sounds like maybe he's going through a downward spiral.

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I think we pretty much told our therapist about everything. Our therapist basically talked about how trust is earned and easily lost, and we need to work on building trust back, and gave us this script of how to argue properly lol. I have calmed down a lot since we met, I quit drinking, got healthy, I am easier to talk to, but it seems like he's the opposite. I feel like I guess I should give him the benefit of the doubt since I use to be like that. He actually uses it against me a lot. "Well you use to..." I think if I would have known my past would be used against me, I would have signed out before we got married.

Well, you are definitely not crazy. Those are real issues you are describing. Steroids have MANY serious side effects, including the ability to alter personalities. I'm not saying all of these issues are because of the steroid use, but that might explain how he seems like a different person than the one you married.

I'm so happy to hear you are in counseling and I hope, with time, you feel like you are making progress. But in the short term, please take care of and protect yourself. The extreme paranoia you mention (sleeping with his phone in his hand!) could cause him to lash out and become dangerous.

Hugs to you!

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. Bringing up a past that is no longer your present is severe manipulation. I wish I had better words to offer, but all I have is stay strong.

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I do not have a message in my private messages.. can you resend?

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know its hard to feel like a doormat and knowing your worth ! I would say though give him some time to go through therapy alone and hopefully things will change. But do give yourself a limit. I would exhaust all options before divorce but I wouldn't wait 2 years and live miserably with him.

This is tough, I am so sorry. My first advice is always prayer, will send one up for you too. Did you do premarital counseling with someone from your church or the pastor who married you- could you both sit down and talk with them or was your first counseling after marriage?