Non-legal Ceremony and Officiant Details

What's the point of having a ceremony and not getting married?

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Great question...

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I was wondering that too. Not to sound like the crabby old lady of the forum but OP: You are planning on telling people this is commitment ceremony not lying to people and telling them it is a legal marriage, correct?

To answer your question: Anyone can officiate a non legal ceremony. No license needed, no paperwork to file.

I don't mean to be rude, but why get married but not actually get married? What's the reason to want to delay a legal union but still get benefits of wedding?
So you just want a party and pretend you're married?

All of the same questions. All of them. Why OP?

If you plan on getting married at some point, just wait and do it all at the same time. This makes no sense to me.

That's a red flag to me.

Don't lie to your guests. If you want to have a commitment ceremony, do that, but you can't be pronounced as husband and wife, because you are not.

TBH this just sounds like you want the gifts that come with the wedding, or you want your PPD. Why not just wait and have your wedding when the time is right?

I'd be pissed if I thought I was going to a wedding, the couple pretended to get married, I gave a gift or check, and then found out later (because they WILL find out) that it was all a sham.

Having a commitment ceremony is nice but I would let your guests know that they are coming to a commitment ceremony and not a wedding. Are you planning on having a full out ceremony and a reception?

I think a lot of people do the opposite and no one bats an eye, like have a court ceremony and then a year later have a big wedding.
I legally officiate a wedding last summer for friends that have kept it under wraps all year that they're already married and they're having the big wedding in July this year. We are wearing bridesmaids dresses and getting her hair done and he's wearing a tux there's going to be a reception everyone is going to bring gifts, and I didn't feel like we were being deceitful to anyone neither did they. In order to apply for housing loan they had to be married because he's a vet.
So maybe I just have a warped perception. No one except the bride and groom or bride and bride or groom and groom and the officiant know what paperwork is being signed at a ceremony. In most cases your ceremony itself is not when you sign paperwork sometime between actually having the ceremony and before the officiant leaves the premises you go sign and the witness signs and the officiant signs. What everyone's watching is you profess your love to each other and it sounds like that is still what they'll be watching.

OP is there a reason you want to delay legalizing your union? Are you having a reception as well, or just a small ceremony? Personally, I can't imagine going through all the trouble to plan this and not legalizing it.

I think this situation varies from officiant to officiant. Some may be ok with officiating a commitment ceremony, some may not. Make sure you make your intentions clear to them. Because your ceremony won't make you married under the law, when you go to town hall you shouldn't run into any issues.

We are planning a full ceremony and reception. Reason for delaying the legal aspect of it is to give us a bit more time to settle some financial details that came out in planning and wanted to find a moment to gather our family and friends without waiting a few more years to do it. We do in fact intend to get legally married after, but have chosen a date and place to make it easier for our friends and family and in the process of planning realized there were some financial details that wouldn't get corrected in time for the wedding. Rather than lose the money we've put in, and just push back a date to push it back, we'd like to keep everything in motion and get legally married once we have worked things out, and can privately go to our local CH to get the formal documents out of the way.

His grandmother is 91 and we'd love for her to be around to witness our union rather than taking a chance and postponing it a few more years. It's not a party to get gifts or checks, so i'm confused as to why someone would see this is a "sham" when you're attending this celebration as a witness to the union(however the union is to be distinguished). Do you not provide a gift or check to a couple doing a commitment ceremony that cannot get legally married for whatever the reason? Is their union a sham? If the couple legally married in private before the "ceremony" and "reception" is this still considered a sham since you thought you were attending this moment and turns out it already happened?

We don't see the need to distinguish this as a "commitment ceremony" vs a "wedding" as we still intend to take the plunge and legalize it, but want to do so in the timing that won't jeopardize our first few years of marriage as we continue to build our lives.

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"If the couple legally married in private before the "ceremony" and "reception" is this still considered a sham since you thought you were attending this moment and turns out it already happened?"

To me, it is not considered a sham but it is considered lying to people.

His grandmother won't be witnessing a wedding, she will be witnessing a non legally binding ceremony. You never answered the question: Are you telling people it is a legal wedding when it is not, or more to the point, are you NOT volunteering it is not a legal ceremony? Are you letting (or going to allow) people to assume it is a legal gathering when it won't be?

You may not see the difference between "legal wedding" and "commitment ceremony" but the Federal Government, the state you live in and most of all, your family and friends DO. The first few years of this "marriage" are not a marriage, it is living together. Hey I am not judging, me and hubby lived together for 2 1/2 years before marrying. But we called it living together, not marriage. That cam on 10/7/2017. Sorry to be blunt, AM.

Hi There,

You can do whatever you want but the important thing to remember is to be honest with your guests...and yourselves!

Check out this article: 7 Wedding Union Ceremony Ideas

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To answer your question-not volunteering that it isn't a legally binding ceremony, since we still intend to do so at a later date.

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So you're going to lie to all your guests. What happens if something changes and you never wind up getting legally married? Are you going to keep up the lie forever? Are you going to tell people you're getting divorced if you break up?

Sorry, but this is wrong. And as to your earlier question about people who can't marry legally -- who is that now? If you're referring to same-sex commitment ceremonies in the past, I think it's pretty gross that you're using that as a justification for your sham wedding.

View Quoted Comment I understand wanting to build your lives together and such... But if I were invited to a wedding knowing that you aren’t making it legal then, I would think it’s very strange. And I probably wouldn’t put money in and go. If a couple does it AFTER they are legally married, I honestly think that it’s a cute secret for them. But legalizing it sometime after the wedding.... seems deceptive. I’m sure you put some money into it. But wouldn’t it be better for you to save the rest of the money you would put into the rest of the ‘commitment ceremony’ for you guys to become more financially stable and then actually becoming legally married? I cannot think of any reason for that two people can’t get legally married in this day and age outside of disability. But that’s a whole other issue, but since you plan on it being legal anyways eventually, I’m assuming that’s not the reason.

Do yourself the favor of skipping the wedding, saving the money, and continuing to build your life together.

My sister did this - had a big "wedding" everyone called her long time BH her husband, the whole nine yards. Except for one teeny tiny detail. I came across docs (by accident) where they stated they were "Single" not "Married." I was like WTH, sister? Caused A LOT of hurt feelings for a lot of people for a lot of years.

You say you are not gift grabby - I believe you but people who give you wedding gifts when you are not really married will see it another way.

The money you have put it? And now may lose? A drop in the bucket compared to hurt feelings down the road. Good luck.

The actual definition of the word wedding is when a marriage ceremony takes place. You aren’t getting married, so you aren’t having a wedding. I can say I’m going to have another baby 3 years from now. That doesn’t mean I can tell everyone now “I’m having a baby”.

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You should check the laws of your state.

You may not think what you are planning isn't a wedding, but in many states...in the eyes of the law, you become common-law partners and can be subject to the same exact financial obligations as a legally married couple.