Not Chosen to be a Groomsman

I think you should go. Weddings are very expensive for the couple, and the larger the wedding party gets, the more expensive it gets! Likely your friend would have liked to have had you in the wedding but had to make a cutoff somewhere. Unfortunately that meant you would be left out. But he thinks enough of you to invite you to the wedding when it's apparent they had a guest limit there too, since some other of your friends weren't invited. If I were you, I'd be honored to receive an invite and if you truly can't financially afford to make it, I would send a note and a nice gift for the couple.

No offense, but if I considered someone a close friend and they said that my wedding wasn’t worth coming to unless they are were in the bridal party, I wouldn’t want them there anyway.

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I can appreciate that, but there are more pieces to it than that. For one, if you didn't make them part of your wedding party, did you really care at all to begin with?

Second, because it is not a local wedding, it will likely cost me over $1000. That's a lot of money to go to a wedding as just a guest. Not to mention significant travel time involved for a 1-night event. As a member of the wedding party you at least get a rehearsal dinner, too.

There's an additional element of humiliation. People are certainly going to ask me why I'm not a groomsman. It's just an awkward situation when you're so close to the person getting married.

This is tough, especially if you were given the impression that you would be the best man. You are allowed to be hurt and disappointed in not being part of the wedding. Depending on how good of friends you are, joke about not being in the wedding and see what your friend says. However, be prepared if you don't like the reason that he gives you about why he didn't choose you to be a groomsman. Good luck!

I see why you would be hurt but in all honesty, like you said, he chose friends that he knew before you. Always remember there's going to be other people in someone's life before you who probably had the same kind of relationship you guys did or even closer.

I know it sucks but if I were you, I would probably be more hurt if I didn't even get an invite at all! I would say go and enjoy yourself but I'm curious to get an understanding on how these weddings you go to cost $1k+.

Maybe how you feel about not being a groomsan/best man and not going is how your friend is going to feel if you don't show up because he had the same thoughts about your friendship. Hopefully whatever you end up deciding, you're content.

If you don't expect to automatically be a groomsman when it is a family wedding, why would you expect to be one when it is a friend? It seems like you can feel close to your family members, yet recognize that they might want to have others as groomsmen and not be offended by it. Why not take the same attitude with your friend?

I hope my best friend does not think I not close to her as a friend cause I only have sisters and nieces as brides maids. Can I ask if you live away from weddings. Why it cost so much to go.?

I think you should go. If he chose people he knew before you from groomsmen, and some people from the same friend group weren't even invited to the wedding, maybe he's having a smaller wedding guest list and invited people that really mean something to him

My personal take on this is you need to reevaluate your line of thinking. I have friends I would have chosen to be in my party but we only wanted 3 on each side because I'd everybody is standing with us....who's sitting in the pews?
That's completely ridiculous to say you refuse to attend because you're not involved in the wedding more than the role of guest. If you're important enough to get an invite then I'd say you mean something to the bride or groom.

My own fiance only has one of his 2 brothers as a groomsman and the other isnt over here throwing a fit. My brothers only role is walking my mom in while my sister is a bridesmaid.
Not everybody I would like to have a place can have a place.

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Joe here - the website isn't letting me respond to anyone for some reason. I don't know if there is a hold, but that doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I appreciate your response. At this point it's more the surprise that I'm not a groomsman, which I'm sure will fade as it settles in. I'm just a bit offended, especially looking at who was chosen, even though none were from our friend group.

As for the cost, I live on the opposite coast from where I went to college. That means all of these weddings are a 5-6 hour flight away, and cost $400 - 500. Some even more when I have to fly into smaller cities or travel on a holiday. Hotels are usually in the $150-200/ night range, but in this case it's about $300 per night (this is one of the only hotels in this area). So that alone will cost me around $1000 before including airport transfers, the wedding gift, and other travel expenses. Because I've been averaging 3-4 weddings a year for the last few years, it seemed to make sense to draw the line somewhere.

I think people here are used to more local weddings, which in that case makes it much easier than giving up several days and $1000+ to attend. The point that sticks with me is that for all the cost and effort, I just end up attending a 4 hour wedding/reception where I will get maybe 10 minutes with my friend. I'll also not know very many people there, since he chose not to invite many people from our uni.

I know it comes off as selfish, which people here are apparently quick to point out, but I am offended. I guess it makes me question the friendship. I've also already been asked by other people why I'm not in the wedding party; I can see how that exchange would be even more awkward in person.

Plus I keep thinking I'd rather save the time and money for a time when I can visit and actually spend time with this friend. It's not the affordability, it just feels like a swipe against our friendship.

I'm sure I'll end up going. Just felt like venting.

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This is Joe - the website won't let me respond on the main account for some reason.

In this case, none of the 9 groomsmen are family members. He has no brothers or nephews. If that were the case, it would be easy to let slide. That's why it stings.

I went to college on the opposite coast from where I grew up/ live, so each of the 3-4 weddings I get invited to every year involves a 5-6 hour cross country flight that costs $400-500. Hotels are usually in the $150 - 200 range/ night. The wedding gift, airport transfers, and other travel expenses quickly bring it over $1000.

It's not really the money. It's the entire effort to attend. Since I have one every few months, it seemed to make sense to draw a line somewhere. When you're in the wedding party, you get the rehearsal dinner, all day getting ready, plus the ceremony and reception - all of that makes the effort worthwhile in my opinion. As a guest, I will only get a 4-hour reception where I will get maybe 5- 10 minutes with my friend.

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This is Joe. The website isn't letting me respond on the main account for some reason.

I'm not refusing to go to anything. I live on the opposite side of the country from where I went to college. That means each wedding involves a 5-6 hour cross country flight (plus 3 hour time difference). With that, the hotel, airport transfers, the wedding gift, and other travel expenses I end up spending a lot of money and time to attend.

Because I get invited to 3-4 weddings per year, that means I'm doing this every few months. That's excluding bachelor parties and engagement events. It seems to make sense to draw the line somewhere, especially since I also like to travel on my own and visit my own family. Giving up vacation time takes effort.

I'm not throwing any fit and I haven't said anything to anyone in the real world. I'm just offended. I lived with this friend for 4 years. We are very close, so it comes as a surprise.

As a groomsman, you generally get to attend the rehearsal/ dinner, plus getting ready the day of, plus the wedding and reception. All of that seems to make the cost and time effort more worthwhile compared to only attending the reception, where I will get maybe 5-10 min with my friend.

View Quoted Comment This is Joe - had to make another account to respond since this site apparently limits how many responses you can make in a day.

In this case, I lived with this friend for 4 years. We were very close and did everything together. We still keep in touch almost daily. That's why it is a surprise, especially after seeing who was chosen. None are family members.

With family, it's different. I have cousins who I only see at other family events, and all just invite every cousin to the wedding. In that case, there is absolutely no expectation. If I was very close to that cousin and we had lived together for years, that would be different.

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Thanks for your response! I had to make another account to respond because the site is making me wait to reply for some reason.

Anyway, I live on the opposite side of the country from where I went to school. That means that each of the 3-4 weddings I get invited to each year involves a 5-6 hour cross country flight, which usually costs $400-500. Sometimes much more. The hotels tend to be in the $150-200/ night range, but many even more than that. In this case, the only hotel in the area is $300/ night. With the wedding gift, airport transfers, and other travel expenses it is always over $1000.

It's not the money, because I can afford it. It's more the time and effort. Especially since I would usually rather just take a vacation or visit my family with that time and money.

As a member of the wedding party, you at least get the rehearsal/ dinner, plus all day the day of, plus the ceremony and reception. Taking such a big trip for just the ceremony and reception just feels like a lot.

But again, I am offended, which I'm sure will fade with time. I've even had people texting me to ask why I'm not a groomsman, as if something must be wrong. It just feels awkward.

Well, I live on the opposite side of the country from where I went to school. Because I get invited to 3-4 weddings per year, that means I'm spending $400-500 on 5-6 hour flights (plus a 3 hour time difference), plus hotels, airport transfers, the wedding gift, and other travel expenses. That very quickly exceeds $1000 each time. It's a lot of time and effort for a 4 hour ceremony and reception where I will only get 5-10 min with the person I came to support. I can afford it, but that doesn't mean it's not a lot of money to be spending multiple times per year.

I'm not sure how it comes off as egocentric to say that I'm offended that someone I lived with for 4 years and who I talk to regularly decided to not include me in his wedding? It's called venting.

I don't expect to be a star and I can afford it. The point is that since these happen every few months, I'd usually rather use the time off work and the money to visit my own family or take a trip of my own. It's not spite - it's drawing the line somewhere because if I went to every wedding every few months, it would mean that I only see my family on holidays.

As a member of the wedding party, you at least get the rehearsal/ dinner, plus the day of, plus the ceremony/reception - which altogether makes the time/money cost more worthwhile than just the reception.

Well, I live on the opposite coast from where I went to school. Each of the 3-4 weddings I get invited to every few months means I'm spending at least $400-500 on 5-6 hour flights, plus $200-300/ night hotels, plus airport transfers, plus the wedding gift, plus other travel expenses. It's very easy to spend more than $1000, which I can easily afford. That's not the issue and it doesn't mean that it's not a lot to have to spend every few months.

Spending that much time and money every few months feels excessive, and I catch myself thinking I'd rather use that time and money to either take a vacation of my own or visit my own family. I have to draw a line somewhere, otherwise I'm giving up my almost all of my own personal travel time/ money.

I'm not sure how it's "egocentric" to say that I am offended that I was not asked to be a groomsman in the wedding of someone I lived with for 4 years and still keep in touch weekly. It's called venting.

I'm not interested in being the "star" and I have not "thrown any fit". It's a lot to ask of me and it's fair for me to set a high bar for when the time/money cost is worth it. No need to be so rude.

View Quoted Comment Unless you have a large number of sisters/ nieces/ cousins, or you aren't having many bridesmaids, you probably don't consider them very close if you're not including them in your wedding. In which case, you never cared if they came. It's fine if it's just a friend from work/ school, but they aren't all "close friends."

As far as "worth it," it's not personal. When you have to spend $500 on a 6-hour flight, plus $200/ night on a hotel, plus airport transfers, plus the wedding gift, plus other travel expenses to attend, it makes sense to draw a line somewhere. $1000+ in addition to 12 hours of round trip travel is a lot of effort. That ignores the time cost/ vacation days/ jetlag, etc. I get invited to 3-4 per year. If I didn't draw the line somewhere, I would have much less personal vacation time.

It's a lot to ask of someone if all they get in return is a 4-hour reception where they may get 10 min with the friend. The wedding party gets the rehearsal/ dinner, day of, plus ceremony and reception - which makes the cost and time effort more worthwhile.

If this were a local thing, then sure. If you can't see how obnoxious it sounds to say "I wouldn't want them there anyway" just because someone has trouble using the time and money on you when they aren't in the wedding party, you need to re-evaluate how life works.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your thoughts! I'm sure I'll end up going. I'm just very surprised and a bit offended, which I'm sure will fade with time.

I can afford it, but for most weddings, I figure I would rather use the time and money to go on a real vacation or visit my own family instead. Especially when I'm not in the wedding party. It's more the time and effort than the money since I live on the opposite of the country.

Agreed! I’m stunned! If you don’t want to spend money to travel to a wedding, fine. Not going because your feelings are hurt about choices he made regarding his day, unbelievable. I would bet A LOT of money on the guys that are his groomsmen right now that if they weren’t asked to do the job and were “just invited as guests” that they would be there hands down without an ounce of question and thrilled for him. And that is why they are now going to stand by his side to celebrate this moment in his life. If you are reacting like this about this situation it really makes me wonder about other ways he’s seen you react about other situations. This absolutely saddens me. You’re offended you are not a groomsmen? The groom should be offended that you think think you’re invite to his wedding day is not intentional, caring, or valuable. This is not what friends do. Nope, friends do not do that! There is someone connected to him that would be over the moon and honored to be at his wedding.

I acknowledged you didn’t want to pay to attend a wedding, fine. Literally it’s like the third sentence. I also totally get that you’re willing to pay double with no questions asked (expenses because you’re in the BP) to be in the BP. So venting online gets coddling when you’re opinion so far hasn’t even aligned with anyone else’s? Cool. I’ll take the cruel road out. Enjoy the wedding, honey.