Not Chosen to be a Groomsman

If you thought you were going to be a groomsman and weren't, you obviously thought your friendship was very important. With that being the case, I think it would be really petty not to go. Heck, being a groomsman just means that you are standing there in the same suit. It doesn't mean you can't offer to help with anything, or they don't want you there. If you decide it isn't worth the money, then that friendship doesn't rank high on your priorities. If you love that person and cherish that friendship, you do what you can to be there to support them. I understand that your feelings are hurt and that is valid.

Ultimately, it is a numbers game. Maybe they only wanted a few and they felt that those people that they knew longer were important. You don't know their relationships so it is hard to say. In addition, it may be a situation to where they are all one group of friends and excluding one would have been incredibly hurtful.

There’s lots of people that I’m inviting from across the country who aren’t in the wedding party. They are very close friends and yes, I absolutely am going to be disappointed if they can’t come. I know one is probably not going to be able to make it because of the cost. And that is completely understandable. We both have small families. There’d be no one sitting in the church pews during the ceremony if every close friend was in the wedding party. These are people that I would drop everything for and be there in the middle of the night if they needed me. But we’re have 3 bridesmaids which means that not every close friend will be in the wedding. Go to the wedding and be happy for your friend. Or don’t and stay home.

No one can tell you if it is worth it or not, because this is your friendship. If it's not within budget to attend, then I wouldn't go. However, if it is, and you consider him someone you'd like to see get married, then go.

I can get being hurt you aren’t a groomsman. But even if invited, $1K to attend a wedding is a lot! Plus, as you mentioned, during a wedding you’re not even spending quality time with your college friend.

I think it’s totally ok not to go due to cost and lack of quality time with your friend. Maybe if all of your college buddies live in the same state/area, you can suggest a guys’ camping weekend or something where y’all can spend time together. For any friend whose wedding you don’t attend, a nice card with a message about their great future spouse and how happy you are for them will go a long way.

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Oh, I see. I totally understand. That definitely takes a toll on the pockets to see a bunch of strangers for the most part. It sucks but I don't think you should question your friendship over it, especially still be close like you said. I get it though, we all need to vent sometimes. I hope you still enjoy yourself when you get there if you decide to go.

Hi! Not much to say other than I really hope you decide to go. As someone who has 6 bridesmaid, I had to draw the line somewhere. I wish all my girlfriends could have been part of my big day in this way. I’m sure he had some type of criteria (ex- the guys he has known the longest). I would be so hurt and sad if my close friends thought they weren’t worthwhile bc I didn’t ask them to be a bridesmaid. You said that you don’t feel important enough- I guarantee you that if he’s kept such a great relationship with you that’s not true. There could be so many other factors to his decision.
I truly understand your feelings but I hope you decide to go.

To Joe, honestly a lot of the responses shift the responsibility to your side of the fence. If you were that close and they chose to cut you out, you are within rights to not attend irrespective of the cost implications.

For example:

I was invited to a wedding with a friend i have history with but we were never that close. No groom party invite or official role in the wedding but I am 100% with that. We will always be good and I have zero issue with that decision. Our group of friends will celebrate his union and make it a night to remember!

Example 2:

Invited to a wedding with a close group of friends at the time .. all were in the grooms party except me. It was awkward. The conversations about why were streaming and endless not to mention that the environment did not feel welcoming at all. I left early. Gave my gift and moved on. I haven't talked to him since to be honest, though when career milestones are passed we exchange pleasantries. I am not upset at him in any way over that. Life moves on.

Example 3:

Another for a friend I have helped and supported at his lowest point (through undergrad and life events afterwards consistently). He told two of us in our long standing group chat that he was engaged and we were happy for him. Told us to save the date which we agreed to do 100%. I later found out through social media a few months later that he included a few friends from our group in his groom party but chose to exclude me. I found out through social media and mutuals started messaging me to ask about it (awkward). After some time passed, I brought up the wedding planning once in our mutual group chat (the other person was included in his groom party) and he did not respond. For me that was enough of an indicator. Today he's reaching out again to reconnect, find out how I am doing, what I am up to. I left social media a while back and the drama has stopped since then. To be honest, I have a better support group now in place than I ever did and I am making a huge employment move. Things are going well and I honestly do not want to make room for him because he wasn't even mature enough to discuss it directly (Its pretty obvious that he is aware from my perspective). I won't be attending the wedding at all. Hoping that I do not even get an invite at this point.

End of the day in example 3 he made his choice and I in turn made mine. Letting go of friendships is healthy when necessary. Don't let people tell you that you should be honoured to be there as just a guest. You will have to deal with the impacts of example 2 in one form or another. You do what is best for you. They are. Why can't you? The rest is just pretentious from my perspective. Spend your energy being happy with what (and whom) you have, your support group, your ambitions, your dreams, your loved ones. Don't give this any more energy than it deserves.

Anyway its just an opinion. You are welcome to attend if you like. I for one would not and that does not make me (or you) a bad person

View Quoted Comment I totally agree with this. I don’t agree with everyone else at all. He has every right to feel some type of way. Ijs. And financially, it ain’t worth it.