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Beginner January 2022

Not getting my own way at my own wedding :/

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Scared, on June 27, 2021 at 4:34 PM

didn't really want children at mine, i even thought my 11 year old niece is too young. I said no kids to everyone but my future in laws brother is bringing his 8 year old. She is apparently mature and well behaved but it did upset me. My fiance is American so some of his family is flying over for...

Didn't really want children at mine, i even thought my 11 year old niece is too young. I said no kids to everyone but my future in laws brother is bringing his 8 year old. She is apparently mature and well behaved but it did upset me. My fiance is American so some of his family is flying over for the wedding. I just think if fiances mom said to them right away when they said they were coming or thinking about it if she said i didn't want kids there i think no offence would be taken and I'm not married til jan so enough time to get a sitter. Im just glad they're not bringing their baby! But even if she behaves i still feel uncomfirtable with it as i said no kids and yeah... i also got forced to have my 11 year old niece as a bridesmaid, (when i was a kid there was a situation she lived with us for a bit and it felt horrible and i felt blanked and unloved it was maisie this and maisie that, for me at that time a 10 year old it wasn't fair at all. My own wedding and it feels like how i feel doesn't matter! It sounds bad too but im not even excited yet... how could i be when nothing is going my way, my moms friend also forced her daughter to be a bridesmaid. No one even cares about how i feel lol, idk if theres any real answer to this. But just any words of advice? Have any of you guys gone through similar things?

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36 Comments

Expert October 2018
Janet · on June 28, 2021 at 7:45 AM
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Not trying to be rude. Sorry if it came off that way. But the way all this reads is it's all about your wants, and not what you and your future husband want. Hence the "not your wedding" comment. You both need to be on the same page about what you both envision and stick to it.
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Beginner January 2022
Scared · on June 28, 2021 at 7:58 AM
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He feels the same way i do tho
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on June 28, 2021 at 8:06 AM
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If you both feel the same way, it’s time to start setting some boundaries with your families. Your therapist can help you find ways to do this. I will say, though, that once you set boundaries, you need to stick to them. This may mean that you’ll lose your parents financial contribution to the wedding. It’s time to ask if your sanity or the wedding they’re paying for is more important.
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VIP May 2022
Ava · on June 28, 2021 at 8:31 AM
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Your feelings are absolutely valid, and that poster’s comment was quite rude and dismissive. Ignore it.
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Beginner January 2022
Scared · on June 28, 2021 at 10:15 AM
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Haha i blocked her 😆
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on June 28, 2021 at 12:23 PM
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Regardless of who pays you still get most of the say for your day. But unfortunately most people see it as if they are giving you money to help pay then they get to dictate how the day goes. Honestly you need to set some clear boundaries with your mom and anyone else who is doing what they want for your wedding. If you have to give back money and pay for things yourself do it, you will be much happier. I'd sit down and have a good talk with your fiance see where your fiances heads at and then tackle this problem one person at a time. Remember No is a complete sentence. People don't have to be happy with your choices but they need to respect them. You are an adult and if you don't start making people respect your decisions they will never stop controlling your life. When you have kids they will try and control how you parent your kid. Trust me setting these boundaries and giving them a stern no may see hard, but if you think about the future you are setting for yourself and your future family you may realize it is something that has to be done. Take your wedding back, scrap your whole wedding and start new if you have to.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on June 28, 2021 at 12:25 PM
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And remember it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes. After all this day is really only about you and your fiance. It's your guys day.
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Beginner January 2022
Scared · on June 28, 2021 at 2:55 PM
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I think so too lol however no one irl thinks that
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Beginner January 2022
Scared · on June 28, 2021 at 2:57 PM
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I just don't have it in me to do anything tbh lol. I guess i'll have to deal with it and not take any actions. I think if i do it might make everything worse and stress everything further. Don't wanna make fiances mom sad again either lol. I didn't actually say anything mean to her or anything but i just didn't want to reply at that time when i first kinda found out and she got upset incase i was upset with her lol
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on June 28, 2021 at 3:33 PM
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I'm going to give you some advice that a coworker gave me. When you try to please everyone and make everyone else happy you end up being the only one left eeling so horrible and so unhappy. And you will never make everyone happy as much as you want to there is always going to be that one person. You should see it like this, these people are obviously being very selfish themselves bulldozing over your wedding clearly making you start to not care about your own wedding for what, for their own happiness not yours cause it clearly doesn't seem to matter if your happy to these people. So speak your mind and take back your day, if that means you have to bulldoze over them to do so like they have been doing to you, then do it. Give no f**ks.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on June 28, 2021 at 3:42 PM
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Also I'd like to mention how my sister in laws grandparents did the same thing to her. Paid for a part of her wedding and then dictating everything about it. Her grandmother even made her pick out a dress she absolutely hated. Then after the wedding my sister in law had my niece and her grandmother took control over the baby shower and eventually tried to take control over how she was as a mother even tried to tell her where to have the baby and tried to tell her what way to give birth. My brother ended up having to step in and put the grandmother in her place. My brother and his wife have been married for 12 years and to this day my sister in law looks back at her wedding with hatred and regrets. And she resents her grandmother to the point where she doesn't even have a relationship with her. Whenever I talk about my wedding she always brings up how much she hated everything about her wedding. And how she really wished she could have been more bold and told her grandma off.
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Dedicated May 2022
Shannon · on June 28, 2021 at 9:04 PM
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Put your foot down, set boundaries, this is YOUR wedding. What others outside of yourself and your FH want that day is none of your concern. If you said no kids, that means no kids..even if that mean a those people back out of coming. Do not be pushed around on your day..do what makes YOU happy..on your wedding day and every other day of your life.
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Dedicated May 2022
Shannon · on June 28, 2021 at 9:06 PM
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Amen Katie!
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Beginner January 2022
Scared · on June 29, 2021 at 11:03 AM
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Lol yeah don't blame u either i would hate to have a baby crying during the ceremony m my mom told me that the parents will usually take it out the room but i don't believe that lol, also I'm glad I'm not the only one that gets it lol. Our own wedding should be our choices on what we do lol
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VIP October 2022
Mrs.evans · on June 29, 2021 at 11:51 AM
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Yes it is your and FH wedding and you need to find your voice and voice your own opinion and not rudely tell them how you feel. A d let them that you love them because ppl who use there money think that they have a say. Especially parent from old cultures but it's ok that you discuss this with them. Ok and I pray that everything is ok and goes well you and your soon to be husband
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Dedicated May 2022
Steph · on July 4, 2021 at 12:05 AM
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OMG! I actually am going through something similar. My future brother in laws wife is a bridesmaid and my sister (my only sister) is my maid of honor. I have my niece (4) as my flower girl, our son (5) will be ring bearer, and my nephew (6) is also walking with them. Anyways, my future brother in laws wife tells me that her kids HAVE to be in our wedding because it isn’t fair that they aren’t included. She then tells throws in my face that my son was her ring bearer (their son was only 1 at the time, and my son was 2) I reluctantly said ok, but honestly I felt bullied into it. Eventually I was like oh well because my wedding is also NO KIDS but it’s a bit hypocritical that my wedding party consists of our direct families children. I just don’t want anyone else brining theirs. It’s expensive and annoying.
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