Not happy with Marriage

Ok so first off, your husband needs some education on hygiene, yikes. We're in the middle of a pandemic and he doesn't wash his hands after using the restroom? Ick.


Living together takes some time to get used to. Also, open communication is important. Have you tried discussing some of your concerns with him? Maybe there are ways you two could compromise on different behaviors you are used to. A couple's counselor can help facilitate some of these difficult conversations. If you bring it up to him, you want to try to be non-judgmental about it. He has a right to be comfortable in his own home, just as you do. So the goal is finding a way in which both of you can be comfortable.

Living with someone takes time. I think the best thing for the both of you would be marriage counseling. Does he know that these things are bothering you? How did you feel prior to moving in, when sharing space? Is this really about living together or more about your fear of responsibility? These things can be discussed with a licensed professional. In the meantime, could you set up a separate space for you to decompress alone?

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We never lived together before getting married so I didn't except all these feelings. Our new home is very small, we have our master, his office and a bedroom for my mom because she is living with us now so there is no extra room for me. I often just stay in the closet but I seriously just want to lay down and on the couch and watch TV on my own.

No I have not mentioned so much to him about what I said here. I do not know why I'm struggling to talk to him although this is how we did things before, we have always talked things out. I think it's a combination of wanting to have my own space again and fearing the responsibilities. couples therapy might be a good idea though

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We never lived together before getting married so I didn't except all these feelings. Our new home is very small, we have our master, his office and a bedroom for my mom because she is living with us now so there is no extra room for me. I often just stay in the closet but I seriously just want to lay down and on the couch and watch TV on my own.

No I have not mentioned so much to him about what I said here. I do not know why I'm struggling to talk to him although this is how we did things before, we have always talked things out. I think it's a combination of wanting to have my own space again and fearing the responsibilities. couples therapy might be a good idea though

View Quoted Comment Ok, so there is a bit if added stress having your Mom there too. If you are at the point where you have to literally hide in a closet then please see a therapist asap. This is not healthy for you. You are most likely having a hard time discussing your feelings because you are afraid it will sound like you made a mistake getting married. Part of marriage is the removal of that fear. You cannot continue this way and he cannot help if you both don't communicate. He has an office, so could you ask that the bedroom be off limits for a certain period of time everyday? Or you split using the office for alone time. Put a tv in there or a computer. Your feelings are valid, people need alone time.

How old are you and your husband? I am asking because it doesn't sound like either of you are ready for the responsibility of owning a house. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do if he can't manage to wash his hands, clean up after his dog, etc. It also sounds like you have a fear of being an adult and transitioning from being single to being married. I think it would've been better if you guys had lived together first. By living together first, you truly learn what the other person is like and if you can live with that person long term before making the commitment to marry that person.

So you’ve been with him for 3 years and you had no idea about all these little idiosyncrasies?? You didn’t realize that he had dogs for three years and you’re dating? You never went to his house? This may come off as a bit harsh, but I’m really not trying to be. I’m saying these things because I think there might be more going on than just you being grossed out at certain things and you just like living alone.


You got married and you made a commitment. Yeah sure, there’s divorce, but is that really it? you claim to not love him anymore if I’m understanding correctly. I agree the whole hygiene thing is pretty gross and would bug the heck out of me if he didn’t wash his hands, but you must have known this before you started living together.
You said you’re an introvert, but do you feel like he lacks in adventure and spark? Does he try to go the extra mile and put effort in the relationship? I really just think there’s a lot more to the story here, but I definitely definitely suggest that you go to counseling! Have you expressed any of this to him?

Every single person I've talked to has said that the first year of marriage is hard. Honestly I think this is part of the growing pains of marriage. All of the sudden this person becomes a permanent part of your life and affects every moment of your day.



I went through this during my engagement. I was used to doing my own thing and all the sudden FH was butting into my business and making changes to my life. It took a lot of work for us to get to a more cooperative place and learn how to make joint decisions, accept each other's flaws, and try to make the other person happy by accommodating their needs.

You clearly loved this person when you married. Go back to your vows. What did you promise? Love is a choice, and you need to choose to lean in and love your husband and do everything you can to make it work. This adjustment is happening either way, and you can either grow closer during it or grow farther apart.

Couples counseling is also a great idea.

Yikes, your mom is living with you, too? We do not know the circumstances, but as a newly married couple you need time to navigate your marriage together without a 3rd party. It is a major adjustment!


My husband was in the military when we we got married and we had to move across the country away from family/friends. It was the best thing for us start our marriage without the interference of others. However, it certainly was not easy. Although I had lived away from home in college, I suddenly felt responsible for more than just myself. I remember going grocery shopping for the first time married and actually cried realizing I would be doing this for the rest of my life. It takes time to and truly gives meaning in a wedding when "two join together to become one". However, this is also why so many couples have Man Caves" and "She Sheds". It is important to have your "me" time, too.
I have been married for 30 years, and my husband just retired military/police service. He was away a lot/worked nights and I was used to having my own time and space. I used to joke that I was as single as can be while still being married. Now he's here ALL the time (Covid hasn't helped) and it is taking time for us to get acclimated to our next chapter. Btw, I still hate going to the grocery store!
Good luck! Communication is key, so it's important that you talk to your new husband and tell him what you just told us. Chances are, he is also adjusting to your habits as well.

There are a few issues here. First, husbands hygiene. Not washing your hands and sharing dental tools with your dog is absolutely disgusting and would be a huge turn off for most normal people. You *have* to talk to him about this. He’s clearly not figuring it out on his own. Second, your mom living with the two of you during your first year of marriage and first time living together is unnatural and creating less physical space (which you obvi need). Whatever the circumstances are that lead her here, you need to figure out a solution especially given your third problem of needing your own space. Moms gotta go to make this happen. Or get a bigger house, which I’m guessing you could if you would. Living with someone takes adjustment but some of these are beyond the “normal” moving in together hiccups people face.

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I did notice some but not all of it. I do work and go to school so it's not like I would spend an entire day with him before dating. We always had plans outside of just hanging out at his place so if he goes to the bathroom I wouldn't know he doesn't was his hand and I wouldn't know his dog paws print will be all over because he had carpet or he would clean all the dishes before I come over. But yes you are right I did see some of it and just ignored it for some reason.

It sure is alot more to what I said. Our wedding day went by super super fast which made me really sad for all the work I put into it, our photographer canceled on us 2 days before the wedding and instead of hiring a different photographer I wanted (she was more expensive and he said let's keep it on budget) we went with an associate our photographer suggested and we got terrible pictures so now I'm mad at myself for listening to him since I was paying for the photographer anyway. but forget about the wedding and all, we closed on our house 3 days after the wedding, moved it together to totally new area and mom moved in with us so we can take care of her. it is alot and my brain has not been able to process all of it. Not only I lost my privacy or me time, I'm also in a new city (we tried really hard tho to stay close to where I lived before but the house market is going crazy and we did not get very lucky)

While tv and movies make marriage look like a fairytale, it definitely isn't. I think you need to talk to him about your concerns -- your home should be your refuge and you should not be resigned to a closet for your own peace of mind. I'm not sure if your hesitation in speaking with him is a fear of hurting his feelings, but you deserve to be happy too. Getting married is a lot of change -- I too just recently got married and started living with my husband after the wedding. It definitely takes some adjustments, but we are working through it. It helps that he and I respect each other's "me" time -- and allow each other time and space to veg out alone when we need it (and we don't take the requests personally). I'm hopeful that once you have the conversation with your husband, things will get better . . . but if he doesn't know how you're feeling, nothing will change.

You can love someone and not be compatible roommates with them. Living with anyone takes work, and I strongly believe couples should live together before getting married, but that typically doesn't align with conservative religious values.

You should sit down with your husband and come up with plan for living together. What are your "happy home" standards? Who does which chores and how often? It will always be a work in progress (people aren't static) but having a mutually agreed upon foundation is key to moving forward in a way that makes your house feel like a "home" to you both.

Also adjusting to marriage while moving into a new home in a new city with your mom moving in is very intense. Its completely normal for there to be some growing pains and for you to miss your old life, including privacy and a setting you were familiar and comfortable with. Most of the changes in your life don't have anything to do with you being married - they have to do with living in an unfamiliar house in an unfamiliar setting with new roommates, and you've just compressed all of that into the same timeframe. Marriage changes your taxes and your legal status (and can shift your assets/estate) but honestly not all that much else. The rest is really working on your relationship and communication, which should be a constant growth process regardless of whether vows and rings have been exchanged.

I think just having a space for yourself would work wonders. Do you have a backyard or garage? If so, you could convert it into a studio, home office, or she-shed of sorts.

What you’re going through is normal! Living together can be HARD and takes communication. I would suggest you meet with a counselor to work through how to communicate your feelings and needs with your spouse.

You really did to sit down with your Husband and have a talk with him about your concerns and cleanliness