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Savvy October 2019

Not invite a friend’s girlfriend? help

Nicole, on February 5, 2019 at 1:10 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11

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My FH’s old roommate/high school friend (who is not a groomsman) is obviously invited to the wedding, but has a girlfriend that’s emotionally immature with severe anxiety. They’ll have been dating for 2 years by the date of our wedding this fall. My FH and I really struggle being around her. She spends the entire time talking about her boyfriend’s ex (who’s actually in my bridal party and a close friend of mine!). She threatens to break up with my FH’s friend constantly, tells people she doesn’t even care, talks about then meeting his ex and become friends with her when they have no mutual friends, then rants about how it’s not fair I’m friends with her boyfriend’s ex. I never speak about his ex, I don’t bring her around, my friendship with her is my own and I’ve known her many years. Both me and my FH have spoken to this girlfriend to please stop, calm down, tried comforting/reassuring her, listening for hours on end on numerous occasions. She just cycles. My FH’s friend (her boyfriend) would never dare speak with her about this because he’s afraid of confrontation himself (that’s its own issue) but truthfully if he did it probably wouldn’t make a difference. My FH is worried she’ll ruin the experience for other guests at our wedding, and she may very well do so (especially with liquor involved). My FH wants to invite his friend, but exclude the girlfriend. I told him he’d be risking losing his friend over not inviting his girlfriend. Should we just bear it and invite her with hopes it’s fine? Try talking to her again (although we have countless times)? Or should we actually tell FH’s friend he can’t bring his girlfriend and possibly sever that friendship? We’re at a loss!

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Latest activity by Mrs., on February 5, 2019 at 6:01 PM

Devoted April 2020
Simone · on February 5, 2019 at 1:37 AM
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Ooh, that's a tough one. I would love to exclude my friend's boyfriend because he's crude and said something unnecessarily mean about my fiancee when we were dating and always has an unsolicited opinion. But she and I have been friends for 15 years and she goes nowhere without this dude, so I have to grin and bear it.

Your situation sounds more intense and she is going to give him hell if he tries to go alone...especially with his ex being there. I'd have a talk with him and be honest about your reservations with inviting her and ask him what he thinks, if she'll be cool or not. If he insists on bringing her let it be known that if she starts acting up she will be asked to leave.
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Beginner December 2020
Venezia · on February 5, 2019 at 2:43 AM
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So my FH and I have made a no plus 1 rule unless you are ended, married, or have children together. It's to help us stay at our max guest count and it makes it so no random gfs or bfs that we dont know or dont want there arent there. The only guest that can break our rule is the bridal party (groomsmen and bridesmaids) for obvious reasons lol.
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Devoted January 2019
Nicole · on February 5, 2019 at 3:30 AM
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So if a person is in a relationship but doesn’t fit into the categories listed then their SO isnt invited? I would definitely pass on a wedding that someone didn’t respect my relationship but wanted me to come celebrate theirs.
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Beginner December 2020
Venezia · on February 5, 2019 at 3:37 AM
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It's not that we dont respect the relationship lol it's that we want our wedding to be small and intimate with our loved ones. If our friend has a new girlfriend every 6 months I'm not gonna pay up for that person. Weddings are expensive these days and it is based on how many people you invite. I'm only going to invite and pay for the people I want there . I'm not gonna be sorry for that. Just as the people who are invited to my wedding know me and know that. Only closed friends and family period. Someone doesnt want to come then I'll respect their decision. In the end it's my day, my finances, and mine and my finances decision as it will be on their wedding day.
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Super February 2019
Maggie · on February 5, 2019 at 9:02 AM
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Yikes, this is tough. I would start laying down the law now. When she starts talking about the ex let her know she is your friend, and you aren't going to discuss her with her. Having long conversations trying to calm her down is getting nowhere and is letting her know this behavior is okay. I think you are going to have to invite her but have a very pointed conversation first. Let her know the ex is your bridal party and that you want no drama that day, and if she starts drama she will be asked to leave. Period, end of discussion. And make sure to follow through. Sorry you have to deal with this.
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Savvy October 2019
Jori · on February 5, 2019 at 9:05 AM
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If you don't invite her, he will most likely not come. Which would be worse? I feel real bad for you on this one.
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Master June 2019
Danielle · on February 5, 2019 at 9:25 AM
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I would invite him and his gf. All of your guests are adults who can manage their own experience and conversations, and you don't need to be stressing over trying to control that. She is one person, and you will be so overwhelmed with guests that I just know y'all can "ignore" her in some way. Personally, I would be very offended if my FH got invited to a wedding and I was not included on the invite. I'd just be grateful they aren't involved in your wedding party, lol.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on February 5, 2019 at 9:59 AM
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Not inviting the girlfriend sounds like WAY more drama than it’s worth. Most of these issues sound like his problem anyway, but if this is who he chooses to be with, you have to kind of just smile and nod. Weddings are busy and hectic so one person’s presence isn’t likely to have a big effect in your day. That said, excluding her probably will have a lasting effect on you in a variety of ways (likely friendship ending), so definitely consider the consequences. To me, doesn’t sound like this is worth burning those bridges.
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Savvy March 2019
Karla · on February 5, 2019 at 10:10 AM
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This is a really tough one. We had a similar situation (but WAYYYYYY less dramatic/eventful). We ended up inviting them and just putting up with it. She, however, is nowhere near as horrible as this one sounds.

I know I have the unpopular opinion here, but I would be WAY more concerned with how your friend and bridesmaid would feel being attacked than just allowing her to come. There are obviously issues there, and maybe it's best to just not invite her (if you are okay with severing the friendship).

If that is what you decide, I'd go and talk to him in person and explain the situation and that you don't want to make people uncomfortable. He might understand, he might be upset, but you need to do what's best for you two long term....

Just my opinion.
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Master May 2021
Cristy · on February 5, 2019 at 5:39 PM
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I agree with this 100%. If she can't act like an adult, then she isn't welcome. Period.
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Super May 2019
Mrs. · on February 5, 2019 at 6:01 PM
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I'm confused with posts saying they wouldn't go if their SO wasn't invited. After 8 years of being with him and now being engaged, it would be sad if my FH wasn't invited to my friend's wedding, but I'd probably still attend and support her new marriage. I probably wouldn't stay as long, especially if I don't know anyone else at the wedding. I only wouldn't go if it was inconvenient for me to travel (depending on how close my relationship is to the bride and groom), too expensive, or if I had prior engagements.
This is your wedding and the day you celebrate with your loved ones. I am NOT inviting the best man's new girlfriend to my wedding because I do not like her. I have a pretty low tolerance for people I don't like and I don't enjoy being fake or pretending to make nice with people I don't care for. Definitely don't want to do it on my wedding day! I'm a little more aggressive than most though haha... I think you know your tolerance best. If you don't care as much or you can sit her far away from you and your bridesmaid, then maybe it might not be worth the headache to exclude her. I think you should talk to your FH's friend about boundaries and what you're willing to tolerate from his girlfriend.
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Not invite a friend’s girlfriend? help

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