Not Legally Binding Marriage

View Quoted Comment Thank you!! It’ll be about a $10,000 difference at least tax wise 😅 I regret even planning a wedding now but have no idea how to back out.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!!

I don’t see why people are so concerned with how it is considered “lying”. Like, you’re going to get legally married anyways, so why does it matter? It’s not lying. You’re going to get legally married anyways. Am I lying to my guests because I’m going to get “legally married” in the state we will be living in before our ceremony? So our ceremony is going to be more “symbolic” because we will already be married. I’m kinda in your shoes but the opposite. I will already be married before my wedding happens because it will be more convenient for us to just go to the courthouse in our new state and get legally married. Rather than jumping through hurtles to try to get married in a state we don’t live even live in.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!! Are you having a commitment ceremony on your wedding day since the legal part will be done? Or how are you handling that??

View Quoted Comment I’m not 100% sure what we are doing since our wedding is still a good chunk away. We could label it a commitment ceremony, but I mean isn’t that what part of a wedding symbolizes anyways. If I did, I wouldn’t say anything to anyone unless they asks because it doesn’t really matter to me. I’ll have to be flying to and fro for my wedding panning stuff. I don’t really want to spend a lot of money to fly back and forth, so the less I have to the better. The state I will be living in is considered one of the easiest states to get married in, so that makes life easier as well.

I don’t see how your tax situation would be anyone else’s business, so I don’t think you should have to blast that. I agree that probably letting your closest friends and family know makes sense, but I don’t consider this a deception. You and your partner are committing to each other in front of an audience with the intent of being married, and that’s what your loved ones want to see and be a part of. And are you going to be referring to each other as spouses socially after the ceremony? That’s the only place I would get confused as a guest. If I went to a wedding, and then saw them two months later and they were talking about their girlfriend or fiancé or something lol. So I would present as a married couple in all aspects except the certificate. And I probably wouldn’t blast your certificate signing on social media if you decide not to tell your guests because that is when people are going to start poking around in your personal business. If you do decide to say something, I would just say something on your wedding website like “while we won’t be able to legal marry for a few more months due to unforeseen personal circumstances, we’re so excited to share our love and commitment with our nearest and dearest.” Or something along those lines.

View Quoted Comment Can I ask what state you’ll be living in? I wasn’t aware they’re different, but also only know about my own state and haven’t looked into others!!

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I’m pretty private/introverted so we won’t be blasting when we do sign or even mentioning it unless it comes up in a convo! We also don’t plan to say fiancé/bf/gf afterwards, we’re fully committed minus being on the edge about the legal aspect!

View Quoted Comment The one thing I would double check, though, is the laws for the officiant in the state you’re getting married in. Or talk to them about it. It might affect the precise wording they’re allowed to use (like no lawfully-wedded”) or they could lose their license. So that’s the one person I would definitely make sure to tell.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much!! Thankfully the officiant we hired is aware we are debating between legal vs not and can do the ceremony as a commitment ceremony if needed. However, I’m waiting on a response of how the ceremonies would differ and what language can/can’t be used!!

View Quoted Comment It’s all about the obtaining the marriage license, and the amount of time you have to get, wait, and sign it. That part is different between state to state. A marriage certificate is valid no matter what the state. The license is not valid state to state, which is what makes it complicated. Each state has their own laws about marriage licenses.

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When is this upcoming affair? Have invitations already been sent? Is it possible to postpone without losing most of your money? All you would have to do then is inform guests.

View Quoted Comment Save the dates have been sent and invites printed but not yet sent. We’d lose deposits and money spent on decor/wedding dress/suit but even all that is currently less than the tax difference. We don’t have a wedding party so only our moms would be out money on their dresses, which we could pay them back.
I don’t mind not having a celebration of any kind, even when we do get legally married, just am unsure how to back out and not embarrass ourselves or our parents. We live in a small town which makes the thought seem even worse. I appreciate all of the input here.
In my gut it doesn’t feel right to not be 100% forthcoming but nevertheless it feels embarrassing.

Starting your relationship with deception is never a good thing. People do find out and they get angry. We have attended a couple military vow renewals pre-Covid that were presented as the actual legal wedding to the invited guests. Before the receptions started, guests found out that they were already married months prior and the majority of guests were livid at being deceived. Some guests left before the reception started and took gifts home that they brought and they (including parents) were ostracized from their churches and communities as a result. On the flip side, if you ask this question online, you will be very hard pressed to find any negative responses because, especially during and post-Covid, a number of people push this exact idea and say that “no one will ever possibly find out and no one has any right to be offended because it’s acceptable to lie to them when it’s not their business and no one’s feelings matter except yours”. Reality and experiences to the opposite, where guests are put blatantly into uncomfortable situations which is what etiquette exists to avoid, say it’s not true but those are swept under the rug with the label of “conspiracy theories to ignore”.



If you don’t want something legally binding, then you likely will not have as many guests in attendance, because many people place more emotional value on a legally binding wedding. It’s like are you more likely to travel cross country for an engagement bbq or a wedding? Not everyone places any value on the bbq to the extent of making long distance travel plans in action. No matter what you decide, be honest with your loved ones at all times. Otherwise you will burn bridges that the other parties will not mend.

View Quoted Comment Oh wow!! Thank you for the input, I greatly appreciate it.