Not Officially Engaged but still Planning

Definitely with Lissyloo. My parents would be flipping out in all honesty.

The ages are a bit of a concern, but maybe that's just me. I couldn't imagine being 17, and dating a 20 year old. Let alone even thinking about marriage. You've been together 7 years, which honestly is odd given the 3 year age gap.

I think counseling, and a long discussed about things is a good start.

If he and you are planning the wedding you are engaged. But please make sure he isn't just fake planning (when you say something soubds good bit you never extend to do it). But to answer questions it is never to early to book a venue and all that. Std dont go out til 8 to 10 months prior to destination wedding.

We were in the same boat...we picked a date, put the deposit on our venue and everything. He hadn't put a ring on it yet, at that time. If he's paying and making deposit on things then it's official lady. Your ring will come later as mine did. Our wedding is September 3rd invitations are out and I'm getting save the dates...the crazy thing is that he still hasn't asked me. Maybe you asked me to marry him on our 10th wedding anniversary. Lol

If both of you are on the same page that marriage is what you both want, continue with planning. I understand your hesitation. I too am not officially engaged. I'm having an destination wedding, contracts signed, ceremony paid in full 2 months ago, my dress bought last summer, my MOH dress & my mothers dresses bought last year too, decorations bought....with NO official proposal or ring. Yep, no ring. But, we on the same page. Both want marriage. We discussed marriage, he made it very clear we getting married and have picked our DW spot. Unfortunately, finances are not good right now due to unforeseen circumstances so a ring not purchased yet. I'm fine without one. My sister-law didn't get her ring until after they were married for 12 years. We have said our "I do's" privately to each other a few times. He introduce me as his fiancé. I get the stares from others once they hear we getting married but have no ring. At first it bothered me but now i can care less.

It doesn't matter if he puts a ring on it (although I would, as a mother, prefer that my daughter had some outward sign of this impending life-long commitment given to her in contemplation of marriage before she started signing legally binding contracts for any wedding vendor and handing over her salary -- but that's neither here nor there).

This, young Serena, is the way it works: The wedding isn't "imminent" because you've been talking about your destination 8/18/18 wedding, or because you're "lowkey planning", or because your parents are sure a wedding is in the wings. Save the Dates? Sorry, but that makes no sense at this point.

A wedding begins when one of you definitively and specifically proposes marriage. It's isn't about what you're dreaming your gown will look like, what your first dance song will be, etc. The scenario is simple: You/Him: "I love you and want to marry you. So, I'm asking you, will you be my husband/wife?" Him/You: "Yes, I will." If the moment is marked with an engagement ring, which is the norm in our culture, great. If not, the proposal stands.

But all of this nebulous stuff floating around a proposal that hasn't yet happened? Well, that's why you started this thread saying your aren't officially engaged -- and remember, you referred to that as "the problem"...because you aren't.

Slow down. He's obviously not there yet.

Whether you guys have a solid, officially agreed on conversation about this or one of you does a full blown proposal, it doesn't matter -- but you need one or the other in order to actually be engaged.

The financial excuses several people are bringing up regarding this kind of situation baffle me honestly. How in the hell do you plan to be able to pay vendors and deposits if you can't even afford a ring? Get a $50 one FFS if that's all that's stopping him.

OP - Please make sure you and your BF are square on this before you actually sign contracts and put deposits down.

And please do not send STDs until you have a venue on lock -- a question I see you've continually avoided answering. That will be mistake #1. Your venue will inform a lot about your wedding -- the two biggest being your guest count and your date. That's great you have a date you want, but that doesn't guarantee you'll actually get it at a venue you want/can afford and you very much need to be mindful of that. You also need to be mindful of available space at your venue because, aside from your budget, that will dictate how many people you can actually invite.

@OP can you let us know if you've signed contracts with the venue? That will help us give you advice

No, nothing concrete. The most I've done is reaching out to venues/vendors for pricing. My FH and I have done research otherwise, and have vaguely talked about a budget.

@Casey you are way out of line. To assume that those of us that don't have an official proposal aren't "loved" enough to get one. My FH is very creative and very loving and likes big gestures. He wants to plan this big proposal, because that's him. It has nothing to do with him not loving me, or not wanting to ask. He has been so involved in planning. He has money into this wedding. He has signed contracts. I don't know where the fuck you got the idea that you know how these men feel about us.

If you have to ask if you're engaged, you aren't.

I would say just seriously be careful with how far ahead you move without any confirmation from your boyfriend that this is 100% what he wants and is ready for. None of us want to see you end up hurt because you're excited and trying to plan ahead. Take a deep breath and as someone else mentioned on here you should ask him. You don't need a fancy proposal. You just need to know he's ready and wants to start planning. Then maybe you can go together to pick out a ring to take some pressure off him. Then you should both talk to both of your parents and officially announce your engagement. You're going to need them as a support system because they can guide you in the right direction with planning.

Also I just want you to be aware that the date you have in mind very well could be booked so sending STDs without having a deposit paid at the venue is a really bad idea. When I booked my wedding for 8/17/18 I was told "oh thank goodness you didn't want 8/18/18 - we already have two weddings booked that day and a lot of brides asking!" So yeahhh get the commitment from your boyfriend and pay that deposit to hold your date. My deposit was $2000 but it depends on the venue.

I agree with @Elizabeth L. 6 months before FH actually proposed, I sat him down and give him an ultimatum talk (I'm in my late 30s and want a family talk). In the meantime, for those six months, I secretly planned a wedding. SECRETLY is the key word. When he finally proposed, I was ready with all the details.

Thank you everyone for all the good advice! It sounds like I just need to talk to him and make SURE we're on the same page. You all have been very helpful and encouraging

Good luck Syrena! Stick around and let us know how it goes!

As long as you're on the same page, there doesn't need to be a proposal.

In many countries, there are no proposals.

The couple just starts talking about marriage and planning a wedding and then they get married. That's it.

There is no "proposal story" to tell.

Make sure he's with you when you start booking venue/vendors so it's not a surprise..

I am in the same boat. He hasn't proposed but we know we are getting married and practically have it down to what month. I have found the venue, band, etc that I want but can't do anything about it or lock them down because we aren't officially engaged yet. I pray I am not jinxing myself by prematurely planning. EEK! Congratulations by the way!

We started planning a wedding well before he actually proposed (note that I said WE started planning, not ME). We actually started pre-marital counseling 2 years ago, as we both, together wanted to get married in our church. We looked at venues about 15 months out, and booked it 11 months out (he proposed 1 year (to the day) from our actual wedding date.

DH and I were both on the same page as far as when we wanted to get married. We wanted to be engaged for about a year to plan everything and get married in the summer. We went and picked out rings and had even agreed that we needed to get engaged during the summer of 2015 so that we could go tour venues before school started and we got too busy. Even with all of that decided, planning did not go beyond my pinterest board until he proposed.

I'm not trying to imply that he won't propose, but if he already but it off once I definitely wouldn't put any money down until the engagement is official.

Someone needs to ask; someone needs to say yes. Definitely do not send out STD's yet.

Every couple is different of course, but until you're officially engages (not necessarily 'ringed"), I wouldn't do a thing.

Ultimatums?

YIkes.