Not sexually enough

My advice is to not put so much pressure on the whole thing. I know how frustrating it can be to feel like you aren’t enough, if you were his first then he is probably feeling a lot of pressure himself as well. If he knows how upset and stressed you get, he’s probably stressing to make you happy and then it’s just not going to happen.

Just go into it a bit more ore relaxed and not focusing so much on the outcome, it will make everything better.

I had an ex that problems finishing, your fiance might have a medical grade issue. You probably shouldn't make this about yourself when it likely had physiological origin.
My ex had a rough circumcision that ruined his nerves, if your man is cut he might have had the same, it's not a common side effect but it's also not uncommon. Plus some guys don't produce a lot of semen if he's in you you might not see it if he not a big load type.
He probably feels really self conscious about it and fighting about it isn't going to help, it's probably making him unable to relax and exasperating whatever the underlying issue is.
Unfortunately I don't have much advice as I left my ex (for unrelated issues) and didn't need to worry about it anymore.

This exact situation happened with my fiance, it got better after a couple of months solely through confidence but it won't happen like that for everyone.

Talk to a doctor, the chances are it's psychological and if he sees a therapist (or if you see a couples counsellor together) it could really help-- and if it's not psychological, then a doctor will know better than anyone what the problem is!

How new is it for him? Did he stay a virgin so long for religious reasons? If so, there may still be an association that it's dirty or taboo until you are married.. Hope this improves for you guys.

Well he really did not know how to finish till I taught him(even on his own). He grew up very sheltered and His parents are very religious. He wanted to wait to have sex with the person he thought he wanted to spend his life with. he would watch porn but not really do self pleasuring the right way and thought the clear stuff was what was finishing. When I told him it wasn’t we kept trying to figure it what he likes in order to help him finish . The first time he did was me teaching him to actually pleasure himself and okay so it’s not a medical thing he actually has semen but then it became an issue to where he couldn’t finish with me. It started really making me feel really insecure and not enough to make him feel good or satisfied. We cut out porn so that he could only focus on me . But it still did not work so I kept trying to improve and thinking maybe I’m just ugly to him and maybe he just didn’t want to be a virgin anymore. But he always says I’m a enough and says he loves me but I feel like that action proves that it’s the opposite than what he tells me.

One thing I have learned that has helped me immensely in relationships: believe people's words. Oftentimes your problem with something isn't even remotely close to what is going on and if they are working through something that isn't about you, they may not be ready to talk about it immediately. Not believing him is only going to keep hurting you.

Additionally, I agree with previous poster. It is very likely that he has some kind of mental block about sex related to his religious upbringing. I have found that many people in very religious circles, myself included, struggling with guilt and shame surrounding sex even after married. Religious groups are very bad about accidentally turning sex into an evil act all together and many people internalize that and can't even comprehend that is what is happening. He should talk to a therapist about what goes on when he is with you. It may be too hard for him to talk to you about it.

Hmm. I definitely think couples counseling would be worth seeking out. My FH grew up in a very religious sheltered family and it definitely impacted him in some lasting ways with sex. At this point he's worked through most of it I think but he's also 34. Some of that shame was still there when we met though.

I will also throw out there that if you guys are arguing a lot about it, it could be stress that gives him performance issues. I have been there and done that. If he feels stressed and puts pressure on himself that could definitely impact his performance.

This is an issue that will need professional help. It could be psychological or partially physical or both. There is no blame here. I fear you two are putting too much stress on yourselves and focusing on it as a problem. I suggest he first has an open discussion with his primary care physician about it and gets a referral if necessary. Secondly as a couple you can get back to the basics of kissing and rubbing without trying to achieve orgasm. Just have fun together. Take sex off the table but everything else is fair game. See how that goes. I'm confident you'll find a resolution. It might take time and that's ok!

View Quoted Comment I think you need to get the focus off of you actually, you're kind of being selfish making this about yourself. It sounds like you have serious body image and self worth issues and he has some minor ones about relaxing and being uneducated and sheltered. Combining your issues is probably making this worse of both of you. I agree with everyone else you both need some kind of professional help.
Also you don't need to orgasm to enjoy yourself, sure it's strange not doing it but if he's enjoying where he's at right now why rush him? Why not enjoy the physical relationship you both share where it's at if he's still new? Surely you didn't orgasm on command when you were new either.

Everyone here has great advice. As the one with more experience sexually, it's important that you try to recall what it was like when you first started experimentin sexually. This is not about you and how you look. I love the advice of the poster who said to take yourself out of the equation here and listen to what he is saying and trust in that.

With his background, it's incredibly likely there is some psychological stress that is affecting his ability to finish. And with the arguments about it and that added stress I am sure it is not helping. Your feelings and fears are valid, but it is important that you side table them and focus on helping him feel comfortable. I like the advice about starting out exploring with sexy time not necessarily focusing on sex. You could even reinstitute porn but make it part of your time together. If you had to teach him how to masturbate, he may learn more from watching porn as well.

You said his parents are religious and that's how he was raised. Is he still religious? Do you think he needs some supportive counseling from a member of his religion to help him feel more comfortable? While I usually would say a trained sex therapist or couple's therapist would be helpful, if religion is central to his feelings, I wonder if that may be beneficial for him too.

Let him experiment more on his own without you so he can start to increase his confidence in his ability to finish. Add more foreplay - LOTS more foreplay. Warm each other up more than you normally would. Maybe get some light toys or games to help facilitate discussion and normalize sexual type activities.

Sex is a frustrating topic and it feels taboo so we often don't ask for help when we don't understand it or it isn't going as well as we want. I'm glad you're asking for help, but it is time to take this ownness of yourself and learn together what your sex life is going to look like!

Sorry - thought of one more thing. I know my husband finds me attractive and wants to have sex with me but I also know I am not completely his type. He likes big boobs and that is just not a thing for me. That being said, we aren't always perfect for the other person physically. That does not mean that he doesn't love you and want to be with you.

I am on the team who says it may be a mental block for him given his religious background. I grew up with religion being a big part of my life. If he was taught that sex was only for procreation and not pleasure, is prohibited until marriage and / or is sinful before marriage then believe me his battle is mental. If you are doing premarital counseling than the subject of sex and what it means to you both is critical to work out for you both. Seems like your FH should find a man he is most comfortable with be it his pastor, etc. who he can talk freely to about sexual matters, etc. I know you are trying to be considerate and supportive but honestly he may be only feeling pressure from you to perform. Get this resolved before you walk down the aisle. This situation will only get more stressful for your both unless you do so. Hoping for the best for you both!

The worst thing you can do is get upset with him & argue about it. Sex is equal parts physical & emotional. So being stressed, self conscious, or under pressure will always make the problem worse. You also have to know that this has NOTHING to do with you & whether you are enough for him. He obviously loves you.

Issue like this is either medical (he should definitely see a specialist, because in many cases they can help with this) or psychological (in which case he needs to work through it with a professional or by himself, you definitely need to stop arguing about it & you need to be supportive & patient, no matter how frustrating this might be now).

I agree with other PP but I also understand where you're coming from and I don't think it's necessarily fair to call you selfish without all the details. I think it's normal and natural to have these thoughts/concerns (to a certain degree), especially if you suffer any body issues or self esteem issues. However, they're right, you do need to believe him and remove your issues from this. It's okay that you had them, and it's okay you expressed them with a community you feel comfortable in but now you need to work on overcoming them- either by yourself and with professional help.
Onto him: yes, let off on the stress and pressure. Trust me, it's the worst thing you can add to this. I think he should definitely see a doctor, I'm not a professional in this field bit there are MANY reasons this could be an issue (listed above was some possibilities, low testosterone could be an issue, many antidepressants cause sexual issues, etc.) Ruling out medical reasons would be the first thing I'd do. Next, psychological is a big possibility that others mentioned, and he may benefit from counseling.
My last bit of advice for you is this: listen to what others said and take yourself out of the equation, believe your FS words. Then, ENJOY YOURSELVES. It's a journey, not a destination. Enjoy doing things together, enjoy the pleasure, and don't worry about the "big finish."

It's not about YOU. That's the first thing I want to say. I disagree that you "aren't being selfish"... You are, but I don't think it's coming from a place of malice; rather confusion. A lot of women think (I used to be included in that number) that men can just "come" anytime, that it's easy for them, and if they don't it's somehow your own failing. It's not your fault.
You already know that he has issues to begin with ejaculating. He clearly loves you deeply, or he wouldn't be marrying you; ejaculation is not an gauge for whether a man actually loves you or not. It can be disappointing, but fighting about it or thinking that he doesn't like you actually can make the situation worse--nerves also play a big part in orgasms and ejaculation. It's also not his fault. There could also be medical issues that might be blocking him---whether mental (due to his sheltered upbringing), or physical (does he have any pain or injuries that might be effecting him?)
Honestly, I think the best thing to do is to support him, remind yourself that this is not your fault (and not his either), and encourage him to see a doctor. A doctor can determine best if medical intervention is needed, or if he needs counselling.
All the best!

GIRL IT IS NOT YOU!!!!

I promise!!

A few things are happening.

1. He has too much pressure on him to please you and to "finish".

2. He still new to it, he's still learning what he likes and doesn't like. How long he likes what he likes until he needs a new stimulate.

3. It could be a mental block for him.

It's a lot going on. And a lot of it is too much thinking.

I am speaking from personal experience. I was feeling horrible about myself and my body but it wasn't me.

I am sure, you don't finish EVERY time and still enjoy having sex with you man. Sex isn't about finishing, it was having fun, the emotion, and the intimacy.

Just enjoy yourself, and constantly remind him that you won't judge him based on what happens in the bedroom. And less porn in the beginning, you're his fantasy. Good luck!

It is neither of yours fault. There are a lot of reasons why there may be a struggle with intimacy. First, check with a medical professional. It could be a simple medical concern. If everything checks out, I suggest talking to a counselor. There are specific relationship and sex therapists who specialize in helping couples learn more about each other, their needs, and work through any complications around their intimacy. That may be a good idea for you.

Thank you everyone who responded. We actually see a therapist and she tells me a lot that I have a perfectionist like personality and I do have self esteem issues. I hate this part of me, because I just want to be normal and want it to just fall into place. I used to not feel this way when were first dating and then stuff started to get serious and I am always trying to make sure I am enough for him now even though he says I am. I mean we have enough stress as it is, wedding and family/in law stuff and I just dont want any issues between us two. I at least want this wedding planning/financial stuff to go well.

side note: what makes us both really stress is his parents trying to control how he saves and spends his money and it really makes it hard to wedding plan and plan our future in buying a place. So the sex stuff/insecurity stuff is just the cherry on top of the stress dessert >.<

View Quoted Comment

Stress can cause a lot of health/medical issues. Try to plan a fun date night and do something your FH enjoys to take the pressure off!

I can tell you right now that your criticisms are the reason his performance is struggling. Pointing out what someone is not doing right and only what they are not doing right takes a lot of their positivity away. I would suggest speaking with a sex counselor so you can air out your differences. It seems you are making him uncomfortable