Not Sure What To Do...

1. Definitely inform your Mom about the fact of what her actions have done and caused especially with what it is making everyone feel and feel. Letting her know that you were under the impression she was communicating with them.

2. I think once that is done, maybe have a discussion with your FH and inform him that your Mom decided to take the initiative to book that venue all on her own and you were completely unaware of her actions and you thought she was communicating with your FBIL, but unfortunately that wasn't the case.

3. If she is not going to help or plan this event then she never should have booked the venue. It's either she helps plan, plans it herself or let's your FBIL and wife do the planning. Otherwise if your FBIL are too upset about the fact she booked that venue then I would say just don't have the engagement party.

I would say that maybe your Mom tried to "help" in the one way she thought she could, maybe out of excitement, but unfortunately it ruffled feathers and upset some people.

So are your FBIL and his wife not happy with this venue? Otherwise it shouldn't even matter that she booked the venue that's one less thing that they have to do lol. I would have a talk with both of them. Tell your mom that she needs to communicate with them or at least you about anything she wants to help with and tell your FBIL and his wife that they can continue with planning now that the venue is booked. It was just a little miscommunication, nothing to stress over!

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Thank you for all of your advice! I'm going to call my mom after work and let her know how everyone feels because I think she truly believes she was helping not hurting.

I explained to my FH that my mom acted on her own without my knowledge and he said he understands. He said he expressed his feelings the wrong way and wasn't trying to put blame on me.

My FH and I are going to talk to his brother later today and explain that it was all miscommunication. My mom really wasn't trying to do anything behind anyone's back. Like you said, she's just really excited and thought she was helping them out.

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They've never seen or been to this place, so I think it was more of the fact that she didn't even give them information about it or how much it was going to cost before she decided to book it.

We'll be making calls after work today to explain the situation. I just feel bad that feelings are hurt. I never wanted them to think that my mom was taking over something that they were excited about hosting. This whole time I thought she was filling them in, but I was wrong.

I'm also the type of person that HATES it when toes are stepped on. I kind of panic and anxiety takes over because in my head there's a voice saying "They're mad at you and hate you now because you made this difficult". It's something I have to work on and breathe through!

Thanks for your advice and feedback!

View Quoted Comment This is what I was thinking. They did mention that they were having trouble finding a venue.

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Yeah. My FBIL's wife didn't want it at a family member's house. She wanted it to not be our usual family gathering feel. Where we live, there aren't many places to rent out for smaller parties, so that's why my mom brought up the community center.

Again, they're more upset at the fact that she booked it without telling them. She didn't give them a price, details, rules & restrictions or anything. She was trying to help them, but didn't go about it the right way.

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But is she making them pay her back for it? If not then I still don't see the big deal personally. I get she overstepped her boundaries by not keeping in contact but if she's paying for it then I personally wouldn't care. Like I said it's one less thing they have to do. I don't think it should be a huge deal and I think your FBIL and his wife are being a little dramatic over it. Once you have the talk with your mom then I would think the situation would be over and they could continue planning, right? It's only the venue that she did, it won't take away from them throwing your party.

While your mom was probably just trying to be a help, she should have communicated with your FBIL & sis that she found a place and consulted them as to if they wanted her to book it or not. Once it was established that she already booked the venue, if they didn’t have any issue with the actual venue it’s self (just the fact that they were consulted as the hosts), they could have simply let your mom know they’ll be taking over the rest of the planning to include food, music, drinks, games etc. As Yasmine stated this was just an unfortunate case of miscommunication.


Sometimes we have to learn how to work with monkey wrenches thrown in our midsts. The FBIL & wife are making it a bigger thing by declining to go on with this party and wishing to throw you a separate one that they can fully control planning wise later on. Everyone who is involved with party planning for your and your FH should already have the mindset that they should be trying to limit the stress for you and your FH assume.
You can’t please everyone during this process. It’s not about people pleasing either, it’s about you and the happiness of your FH in the end.

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We're not sure what the money situation is. I'm sure my mom is paying for it and wouldn't expect them to pay her back. At least she hasn't mentioned that to me and my FH.

Hopefully it isn't a huge deal after we speak to everyone. My mom isn't wanting to plan anything else, so we're hoping we can explain the miscommunication and move on from it.

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It shouldn't be a huge deal. Goodluck with everything!

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Everyone is making great points and I thank you all!

The way my FBIL is responding to her booking it is making me wonder how she has been communicating with him and his wife this whole time. My mom can be very controlling and often times doesn't realize it. So I'll also be asking them if my mom spoke to them a certain way that ruffled feathers.

My friends have been telling me that my FH and I shouldn't even be this involved in planning this party and that we also shouldn't be so stressed about it. It's difficult for me not to worry about everyone else's feelings, but I'm working on it! I just want everyone to get along and communicate better.

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Thank you! I appreciate it!

View Quoted Comment Your mom might have just figured she’d get the obstacle of venue search out of the way by booking something and then the rest of the party planning would have been easier to get through. It wasn’t communicated well, sure, but that’s over now. If you’re FBIL & his wife wish to continue on with the party planning, they should just move forward with everything else. All communication should be between them and your mom (if she becomes involved in another way). The only thing they should be discussing with you as it relates to the engagement party is what time the event starts and what’s the dress code, if any.

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You're very welcome and glad to hear that it seems to be getting settled out!

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I think that's where her head was when booking it. My FH is going to try and smooth things over with his brother and wife and see if they're fine with still planning it as long as my mom doesn't make anymore decisions regarding the party.

View Quoted Comment Good luck with everything, I’m sure it’ll all fall into place 💫

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Thank you! I appreciate all your advice and input!

When is the party? Covid cases are skyrocketing, primarily due to maskless gatherings, and many states have limited indoor gatherings (private and public) to 10 or 25. I'm assuming b/c your wedding isn't until January of next year, the party isn't for several months. But if it is within the next two months, I think you should postpone simply due to Covid.

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Thank you for your concern.

The party will be early February and we are taking all necessary precautions and will only have 20 people invited. Cases in our area have been declining rapidly due to the community taking all precautions seriously.

Thank you to everyone that gave their insight and advice on this post! We straightened everything out, and it turns out that my mom just needs to word her texts better. The venue was never booked and paid for, just reserved for the date and time we needed in case my FBIL and his wife do decide to rent that space out. 😅

She explained to my FBIL and his wife that she didn't want to take over the party, but just help them find a venue since they were having difficulties with that.

All is well!!