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Beginner October 2022

Not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings

Annette, on July 3, 2019 at 3:35 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 16

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I need some advice and feedback. First a little background: I have a friend who I met two years ago and our relationship is still in the “new and getting to know you” phase. We see each other maybe once every month or two while having dinner with mutual friends. We don’t communicate much outside of that.

When I first was engaged in November, she insisted on planning and hosting an engagement party for us. I was flattered and surprised that she would be willing to do this for someone who she hadn’t known for very long. My other mutual friends got on board and made some contributions, but she definitely spent more time and money on the beautiful party she threw at her home. I sent her flowers and cookies afterwards to thank her.

Since then, she has been very outspoken about what I should and should not be doing during this wedding planning process. Money is no problem for her, so my frugal planning doesn’t match what she thinks is best. She comes across as overbearing and all-knowing, and it’s very off putting to me. Because of this, I have been avoiding any and all wedding conversations (if possible) when we are all out to dinner together. The problem is, one of our mutual friends is actually my bridesmaid. I’ve known her for over ten years and she is one of my best friends...also her husband and my fiancé are close friends (and will be a groomsmen). I am afraid of hurting her feelings and for seeming unappreciative of her going over and beyond for our engagement party—however, I have no desire to have her in our wedding party. I just don’t feel that close to her and her recent behavior has made me feel that this is a good choice.

I am going wedding dress shopping in a couple of weeks and my bridesmaid and MOH from out of town are coming with me. Should I extend an invite for her to come too? I still haven’t mentioned during our dinners that our mutual friend is a BM, because I don’t know how she will react. I don’t think she should expect to be in the wedding, but I don’t know if she expects to be included in things like dress shopping and any future bridal/bachelorette parties that may occur. I just feel like it’s a touchy subject and I don’t want to upset her and jeopardize the fun monthly gatherings we all have together.

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Latest activity by Holly, on July 5, 2019 at 10:46 AM

VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 3, 2019 at 3:42 PM
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Don't invite her and tell her you wanted lifelong friends only for the intimate moments.
Some people think two years is forever though so this girl might think you are her close friend and not understand you don't feel that way.
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Beginner October 2022
Annette · on July 3, 2019 at 3:46 PM
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I think you are right. At the engagement party, she gave a toast thanking everyone for coming and then went on about how I am family to her. Sweet sentiment, but awkward when at that point, it didn’t even know her last name!!
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Master May 2019
Chandra · on July 3, 2019 at 3:47 PM
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I wouldnt invite her dress shopping personally. Especially if she's being outspoken about your decisions and you're not planning on having in her your BP then theres zero need for her to go.
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Super October 2019
Cassi · on July 3, 2019 at 3:48 PM
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Definitely don't invite her to shopping. As parties come around you can extend an invite but for wedding moments like dress shopping and what not definitely don't include her. She will assume you are including her and going to ask her to be a BM. Better a path uncrossed in my opinion.
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VIP September 2019
Lauren · on July 3, 2019 at 3:48 PM
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Nope, you don't have to invite her to anything you don't feel comfortable with. You also shouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid if she is already stressing you out with her opinions. She offered the engagement party, you accepted, and you thanked her appropriately. I would just not talk about further wedding details when she is around to avoid her opinion and stress. I assume she is invited to the wedding and that is enough.
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Master August 2019
Allie · on July 3, 2019 at 3:52 PM
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I wouldn't invite her shopping. That may give her false hope that she's a BM.
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Devoted July 2019
Future Mrs. McCully · on July 3, 2019 at 4:17 PM
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I wouldn't invite her.
She threw you an engagement party which was awesome but you don't owe her anything!
This should be a very personal and happy experience and if you invite her you may feel uneasy due to her overbearing personality when it comes to planning your wedding.
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VIP March 2019
Yoice · on July 3, 2019 at 4:32 PM
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It sounds like she feels closer to you than you feel to her which is absolutely normal. She can be part of bridal shower and bachelorette events but doesn’t need to be in your bridal party or be part of your wedding dress shopping. If she’s opinionated I’ll stay away from that. My MOH which I had my engagement party at her house was not part of my dress shopping. I decided to have a private experience with my mom and aunt.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on July 3, 2019 at 4:41 PM
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This is really tricky. I wouldn't invite her if she was behaving the way you describe, not to mention inviting someone out of guilt is not an honest move. I think it's nice that she did all these things for you but if you don't feel that strongly about the friendship the way that you do with your other friends then you need to establish boundaries. Thank her for everything she has done or suggested or that you'll keep it in mind but that you will make final decisions about your wedding. Stop telling her about aspects you don't want her opinion on. Hopefully these things are enough to stop the behaviour but if not, you may have to be upfront about her coming off as a knowall. Some people don't realize the way they sound and need the reality check.
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Super April 2019
Future Mrs. Polar Bear · on July 3, 2019 at 4:43 PM
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I wouldn't put her in the wedding nor invite her along. She did the engagement party because she wanted to. That doesn't mean she can expect things out of you now and if she does she isn't a very a good friend.
She also could be one of those people who just want to control everything and/or are nosy.
Just let things flow. This is your wedding, not hers. You do you.
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Devoted November 2019
Zoe · on July 3, 2019 at 4:46 PM
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I would not invite her dress shopping. This can be the start of setting some boundaries and keeping your conversations non-wedding related.
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Just Said Yes November 2019
Renee · on July 3, 2019 at 5:05 PM
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To be honest, as bad as it sounds, you may just have to let her feelings be hurt. Its your wedding and you should have the freedom to include who you WANT to include, not who you feel like you have to include. I dont think of myself as a selfish person but this is the one time in my life that I plan to be, bc it's a once in a lifetime thing, and I font want to have any regrets. If they really are your friend they would understand that all friends/acquaintances cant be included and still love you anyway. That's my outlook.
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VIP October 2021
Jennifer · on July 3, 2019 at 7:41 PM
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She did the Engagement party out of the goodness of her heart( even if she had ulterior motives about trying to get an invite to be in the BP) so don't feel badly that you want the friends who've you Have known forever to be the ones in the BP.
As for Wedding dress shopping this is generally reserved for the Mother of Bride, Her Bridal attendants & sometimes the grooms mom, or other close female( make at times, as I took my 21yo son) relatives. Not the every female you know crew,that's the bridal shower lol! Or maybe bachelorette party, lol!

And she she will know sometime and be hurt and angry that you kept beating around bush. If the dinner convo flows to wedding talk so be it. And if it turns to the BP, then bring up the fact you've selected your girls.
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Just Said Yes October 2019
Holly · on July 3, 2019 at 11:36 PM
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Trust your gut instinct. She will probably be a nightmare. I wish I trusted my gut instinct about not having a BP and I’m kicking myself everyday because I caved into pressure.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on July 3, 2019 at 11:48 PM
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This. Precisely.
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Dedicated September 2021
Holly · on July 5, 2019 at 10:46 AM
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Like pp's have said if she acted that way during your engagement party, there will be absolutely nothing stopping her acting that way again if she's in the BP. Maybe you should have a conversation with her and clear the air about the status of your friendship, and how you feel about what she is doing/wants to do. Highlight your differences as friends (frugal v. not, etc.) and ask that she respect your wishes to remain frugal-unless you want her help. The more she feels like she can do and is allowed to do, the more she steamrolls everything. She (based on your post) doesn't seem like someone that should be invited to dress shopping as you aren't super close and haven't been for the length of time you've been friends. BM's, MOH, MOB/G are all really good choices to take along. I personally took a close friend that isn't even in the bridal party.
You may hurt her feelings by having that discussion but it is necessary for both of your peace of minds. Make sure to include that you care for her and thank her for doing the engagement party. It was very sweet of her to throw the engagement party. It isn't fair to either of you if you keep avoiding it. Best of luck!
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Not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings

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