NWR: Anyone else on the fence about having kids?

I was on the fence after my divorce at 27. When I turned 32 I became totally baby crazy.

KitandKaboodle - I will be 35 soon and DH is a little (like more than a little) older than I am. I'm on the fence about having children later in life due to 'science' and the reports that they are linking risk of autism to older parents, specifically, older men. I'm just worried about the age and how that may impact the child.

Oh, and right now I have no desire to have children. I love wine, freedom to pick up and go as we desire and just being the two of us. Just in case the feelings change, i'm curious to get feedback from someone who has been there

I never wanted kids untik I met him! I always go back and forth its normal lol. Everything happens for a reason

Onawho: I'm glad I'm not the only one who's scared to bring kids into a world like ours. Right now, my home state is about to be in a state of emergency because of polluted waters. I don't want to bring kids into a world where I can't even safely bring them to the beach anymore.

FH and I are both unsure. We both kinda want kids? But we also see some of our friends struggling financially because of unplanned children & also some friends are having trouble with disabled children. Those two things scare me.

I've never wanted kids and I still don't. I don't think I ever will. I think it's totally fine to hypothetically save money for kids, but don't worry about it until you're really sure you want them.

I love having a furbaby. My dog is my bff. I feel no need for kids anytime soon.

Something kind of startling - My friend had a baby and thought it would be rainbows and butterflies. She's totally miserable and her marriage is suffering. She straight up said to me "I do not recommend having a baby". She regrets her decision to have a baby but not the baby itself, if that makes sense. She loves him and is an amazing mom but was very candid about the whole situation. Most moms wouldn't let stuff like that slide out of their mouth for fear of being crucified.

I always thought that once you had a baby, you would never regret the decision. Apparently that's not the case, which is terrifying.

Kind of sad to see people feeling like they are being selfish for not wanting kids or putting it off. I mean there isn't a selfless reason to have children.

Rene- agree! It's selfish (and not selfish) either way, so I wish people would remove that word when talking about the choice to have kids. Other things I hate: "who will take care of you when you're old?" and "You don't know what love is until you have a child"

FH and I have always been on the fence, but lately he's had baby fever and I've had to really let him know that I will not be ready for a few years (if not more). I'm 24 and just feel too selfish still. The thought of being a mother and having to provide constant care for another human is extremely overwhelming to me at this point so I'm just going to give it a few years and see how I feel then.

Rene I really hate when women feel the need to defend their feelings on not wanting kids. It's a lifestyle choice, same as wanting a kid.

Jeanne - I understand where you're friend is coming from. My sister just had a baby and her pregnancy was miserable. She always wanted to be a mother and now she's a mother and it's just hard. She's anxious, not sleeping, and feels terrible. Honestly, everyone said once she had the baby I'd get baby fever. It's the complete opposite. I see how her body looks and is behaving now and I'm like...nooo thanks!!

I never wanted kids until my FH! When we talked about them at first, he was understanding but sad about it. Now I could potentially see myself having kids with him, but two things make me very hesitant: 1) the inherited health problems from both of our family histories (on my side the biggies are thyroid cancers/complications and spina bifida (I have spina bifida occulta); and 2) just the thought of labor freaks me out...I'd much rather just instantly be induced for a C-section then even give natural child birth a chance, it just terrifies me and freaks out and it always has. ETA: If we do decide to have kids, we were thinking of starting to try in our 30s. So we've got some time to figure it out I guess lol. The whole idea is just nerve-wrecking.

FH and I have a daughter, she's 2 and will be almost 3 by the time we get married.

I will say before I got pregnant I never really thought about having kids, or how many I wanted...and yes I have to agree with the whole pregnancy thing about where the baby comes out of and hearing from others how painful it is yada yada yada.

Anyway, for me I can honestly say...it wasn't all dreadful like people say it is.....yes you gain weight, sometimes you get stretch marks after birth, your body sometimes never goes back to how it once was, and heck yeah contractions hurt...but when you give birth and see your child for the first time, all of those thoughts you had about your body, or how painful it is/was fades away like you never had those thoughts in the first place. The first thought that came to my mind was "FH and I created her!" (And yes I'm tearing up while writing this!!)

It also is true when they say your natural motherly instincts kick in (heck I caught myself nesting before she was born).

We had our daughter at 25years old (before we turned 26) and I will never regret anything about it. Yes we were young, we did not plan it, and no we weren't prepared when we found out we were pregnant. But you do the best you can. We're not struggling and we're living great lives. Yes we could have travelled, or done something adventurous but we both would never regret having her.

Our daughter is such a goof ball always making silly faces or laughing at random things she finds funny, we were blessed with such a happy loving child that never really cries (only when shes hungry or tired...which she will tell you what she wants). Even when shes sick, she still acts like shes happy and fine.

FH is asking for another one...before the wedding! Which was and is a flat NOT RIGHT NOW (of course I want another one). But to wait after the wedding. And to be completely honest.....both sides of the family is waiting and hoping for us to have one after. (:

I will add that all women are different and their bodies react differently to being pregnant. I was lucky to not have all the bad parts of being pregnant when I was (morning sickness, outrageously weird cravings, etc).

But JPB, your experience is not everyone's. Some women have horrible pregnancies. My friend had an awful pregnancy where she was borderline bedridden and so sick she couldn't function, for 6 months. I think it's important to know the possibilities so people are aware that their experiences may vary.

I want them. Now that we are trying though, it's scary! As someone said its permanent. We want to be stable enough financially of course. But my father gave me good advice once. There is no such thing as the PERFECT time yo have a baby. If you wait for the perfect time, you probably won't have any.

Also, because I already carry some genetic anomalies (as does DH) we don't want to wait past 35. I know now women are having kids into their 40's, I personally just don't want to risk it

Nope. No more kids. I have one who's 7. And that's all we're gonna have. Unless somebody can make them stay babies. Somedays I want a baby that is my husband's but then my daughter starts doing something obnoxious and I change my mind.

@Bethie what you said totally makes sense. My stepsisters and their husbands always joke around with me and FH when their children are being crazy and they're like oh cmon why aren't you rushing to have kids right now?? Haha sometimes I wonder how much much they're actually joking. They love their kids and I know they don't regret the decision, but I've seen how their relationships have changed. It's a lot of arguing, snide remarks when one parent doesn't agree with the other on discipline or something. I don't want that to happen to FH and me.

That, and I love our life the way it is right now. We can pretty much do whatever we want when we want and I'm not ready to give that up. People tell me that the things we do we can still do with children, but I've experienced first hand how frustrating it can be when parents let their children run amok in a brewery. And the thought of carrying a child on my back while hiking a mountain, or trying to force a love of the outdoors on a toddler, is not appealing to me.

I started reading this fearing that some asshat was going to say that life isn't full until you have children. I was going to lose my shit on them.

Sorry. I get really angry when people insert themselves into decisions that are not theirs to make.

To answer your question. I always told myself I wanted kids, possibly 3! And now the older I get, I worry (about everyone under the sun. Do we have enough money to support them? Are we able to live in an area with good schools... the list goes on) Right now, I think I've committed to having one. And then people go ahead and insert themselves in my decision again and say that you can't just have one because they'll have social skill problems. Get the fuck out of here with that BS.

@Kris...your father gave you the same advice I've been hearing over and over from different people/friends/family. And I agree with him 100%. There is no such thing as the PERFECT time.

And I also agree with you when you talk about genetic abnormalities if you wait past 35. I was told by doctors and reading online that your more at risk (and maybe considered having a high risk pregnancy) at that age.

I am not on the fence...I definitely don't want kids. I teach 1st grade and I absolutely love my job, but I think it gives me some idea of truly how much work it is to do a good job raising a kid. I don't think I want to put in the time and effort to be a good mom. I also hate when people tell me that makes me selfish. Wouldn't it be selfish to have kids I don't want??

@Bethie It's so interesting your friend said that because I always think there must be a decent number of people feeling that way, but too afraid to admit it.