NWR: step-parenting. My son has a step mom & I need advice please!

I'm trying to figure out how to approach this. And come to find out his dad wasn't even around when either issue happened so he doesn't know how it really went down! Now do I confront her about it or confront his dad about it. I'm afraid that if I confront her it will not come out right bcuz now I'm pissed that my son is feeling like this. But if I confront him I know he will just brush it off. My son's dad is a jerk & we do not have a good relationship at all. I hate conflict but if my child feels uncomfortable going to his dad's house all of a sudden, we have an issue! Any advice please??

It's hard to really answer this question without knowing what it is that the stepmom is doing/saying.

If it's something about you or your FH, I would talk to his father and say that you would prefer it if they did not say things to your son about you, that you need to keep things civil, because putting him in the middle of your fight is wrong.

Definitely approach it from the calmest place that you can. Getting angry and yelling will only put them on the defensive, and nothing will be accomplished. Make sure that you all realize that you are the adults in this child's life, and you have to come to some form of peace with that.

I think that, for now anyway, your issue is with his dad. The next time you pick up or he drops off (however that works) for the weekend, why don't you have your son sit in on the chat? Make sure it's a civil conversation with no accusations (fighting in front of you son will only make it worse). Let him know how your son is feeling, see if the three of you can work it out. Good luck!

I don't know how valid my opinion is, but I would handle this similar to in law issues. I would never directly confront my FMIL, but have FH talk to her. Perhaps it should be the same here regardless if your son's father was there or not. The three of you should sit down and calmly discuss the matter. Let your son first know he's not in trouble and see what comes out of the discussion. I think going directly to his step mom may be too confrontational. Good luck!

@Ariel 1 of the things was that my son said he wanted to grow his hair like my FH used to have, he said his dad's wife "went off" on him & kept saying "why don't u want to get a haircut like ur REAL dad" so then my son was discouraged & confused & no longer wanted to grow his hair back. But when I asked her about it was "we never had that conversation" so my son just made that whole thing up?!

@Teryl I will try that. The last time I asked if we could sit down with my son & talk he said to me "I don't see what that's gonna solve". When I tell u he's a jerk I mean just that smh he's been that way since we broke up & I stopped sleeping with him on the side smh just being honest

Thanks OTW. Sometimes she's more reasonable than he is but ur right I should confront him first.

It's hard to know what advice is really appropriate without knowing what went on, but I agree with Teryll that you should have a chat with his dad, with your son present. Just like you can tell when your son is telling the truth vs. that he's lying, hopefully has dad has the same ability.

It really could just be a misunderstanding. The stepmom may have said something jokingly and he misunderstood or he's getting teenager ears and only hearing certain things

I hope this blows over smoothly.

OTW it could have been a misunderstanding but for her to flat out say my son was "telling stories" I know my son did not make up that whole conversation off the top of his head. She claims the only conversation they had about his hair was about her washing it. That just doesn't sound right to me, it sounds like she's trying to save herself

What was said exactly? It's kind of hard to see where the discrepancy is at this point.

@rustic bride 1 of the things was that my son said he wanted to grow his hair like my FH used to have, he said his dad's wife "went off" on him & kept saying "why don't u want to get a haircut like ur REAL dad" so then my son was discouraged & confused & no longer wanted to grow his hair back. But when I asked her about it was "we never had that conversation" so my son just made that whole thing up?!...that's just 1 of the issues. The whole "we never had that conversation" is what gets me.

No matter what the stepmom is saying, a child should never be put in the middle of any situation. Remind your son's father of that (because sometimes men forget things) lol.

I agree with Ariel with approaching it calmly, but also explain to his father that his son now does not feel comfortable with going to his house anymore and he's should step up. I was in this situation when i was younger, and i am also going to become a stepmom. It's hard for those kids, even as girlfriend/boyfriend. Now you add the words "stepmom" & "stepdad", younger kids don't like those words "mom" & "dad" unless it's THEIR mom and dad. They do not understand the concept of marriage. Sounds to me that she is taking her "stepmom" title a little too far.

Good luck!!

@Danielle that was my thought exactly! I'm telling u things went smooth but as soon as they got married she start crossing lines. There are certain things I feel like his dad should address and not the stepmom. But ur right about the "mom" and "dad" thing. I think my son is feeling some different treatment from her bcuz he never complained about her in the past. He loved this woman & now it's like he doesn't even wanna be bothered with her bcuz she always has something to say to him.

Unfortunately, you cannot control what goes on in the other home. That's one of the sucky things about divorce. My daughter came home once and told me she knows how to play beer pong because her dad had a party and taught her how. There's nothing I can do about that. My child wasn't harmed, it wasn't really beer they were drinking, and again, there's nothing I can do about that. Unfortunately, if you want to be able to control every situation your child is in, you'd have to have stayed with his father.

Another piece of advice, stop allowing your child to do the "run tell" thing. Children lie. It doesn't matter how smart or sweet your child is. They all lie. Especially when they feel that they can get over on one parent or the other. The fact of the matter is, he may not be happy with how he is disciplined over there, expected to do chores, or something similar to that.

You chose that man to be the father of your child. You also chose to divorce him. Unless he is abusing or harming your child, then you just have to let go of what goes on at their house.

Unfortunately, you cannot control what goes on in the other home. That's one of the sucky things about divorce. My daughter came home once and told me she knows how to play beer pong because her dad had a party and taught her how. There's nothing I can do about that. My child wasn't harmed, it wasn't really beer they were drinking, and again, there's nothing I can do about that. Unfortunately, if you want to be able to control every situation your child is in, you'd have to have stayed with his father.

Another piece of advice, stop allowing your child to do the "run tell" thing. Children lie. It doesn't matter how smart or sweet your child is. They all lie. Especially when they feel that they can get over on one parent or the other. The fact of the matter is, he may not be happy with how he is disciplined over there, expected to do chores, or something similar to that.

You chose that man to be the father of your child. You also chose to divorce him. Unless he is abusing or harming your child, then you just have to let go of what goes on at their house.

And there lies the problem @Jesse'sGirl, we weren't married, it was very poor decision making on my part & I would constantly beat myself up about that for years. I don't anymore. Although I can't control what goes on in that house am I wrong to feel upset bcuz my son is so upset that he doesn't want to visit his dad anymore? I'm not trying to control what goes on in the house but I want my son to go back to that comfort level he once had. I sure know that kids lie bcuz sometimes my son says things & I'm like nah it can't be true. *sigh* so ur saying I should leave it alone?

I would caution to reconsider having the conversation with your son's father and/or stepmother with the son there. I know that if I had been dragged to something like that when I was younger and my parents were newly divorced/remarried, it would really have felt like I was being put in the middle of them. Almost like "He's the bad guy, I'm the good guy."

But you definitely do need to talk to the father/stepmother. If your son feels uncomfortable going over there, like he's going to belittled/accused of lying, that's something that needs to be addressed. If possible, I would sit down with his father and stepmother (if you think you could keep your cool around both of them), and perhaps even your FH. Explain that you do not think that your son would lie about such things, and that he feels uncomfortable. Try to establish boundaries- what is and isn't acceptable for the steps' behavior, and just try to get all on the same page regarding how your son is being raised.

This is a really difficult situation. Any time you try to meld families, there will be differences of opinion and butting of heads. Just try to approach it all with calm and compassion and continue doing what you think is best for your son. Really, really good luck.

I disagree with @jesse'sgirl. It's one thing if it has started from the beginning of your son's father's relationship with her, but this woman has known your son since he's been 1. If it just recently started, that's another story. There's something else going on and bringing it up to his father (calmly) I don't think is a bad decision, especially now that your son is 8 years old. If he (your son) has had a problem with her from the beginning then i would say forget about it, it will get you no where. But it seems like this has just started recently, so I would definitely just throw the info into his father's ear. Whether he listens to it or not is another story. lol

Thank you Ariel! I feel like we're all adults, my son has 2 families now & I'm sure we all love him but like you said let's try to be on the same page here. I know my son's father would not like it if my son stopped going over there so hopefully he will hear me out on this one.

You don't have to beat yourself up about it. Although I do understand because I hate the fact that because I didn't make a good choice in a husband, my daughter has to live in a home without both parents. You are also not wrong to be upset that your child is bothered and upset, because, as a mother we are bothered when our children are upset.

I wouldn't leave it alone. I would have a talk with just the wife/father of your child without the child around. Tell them that your son has let you know that some things are being said that are concerning to you. Repeat it point blank exactly what your child said to you. Let it be known that it is unacceptable and say it calmly and rationally. Explain your reasoning on WHY it is unacceptable to be said to/around a child and say "I am sure that you didn't mean for him to overhear" or something to that affect. That let's them know that 1. you know what was said, and 2. it won't be tolerated.