Officiant and Ceremony Family conflicts

I would talk to your FH about your feelings and then hire a non-denominational officiant and leave your families out of this decision.

Asking a Lutheran bishop not to invoke his own faith would be difficult. So find a friend to do a secular wedding. Last 3 weddings I went to in CO, one married by a judge, one had their Best Man and Matron if Honor do it, and one, the couple did it themselves, as CO is one of the very few states that allow this. A lot of people like writing their own vows.

I don’t think you’re off base at all. We decided very early on, before engagement, that any ceremony would be secular because my SO is atheist. He expressed the same thing as you, he doesn’t want to deal with religious pressure during his wedding - and I totally understand that. It sounds like you need to have a discussion with just your FH about what he wants for the ceremony and why, without the pressure of family.

There are so many options for officiants! Personally, we want to have a humanist ceremony because it focuses on the couple and their relationship and doesn’t include religious aspects

View Quoted Comment How do you find an officiant who agrees with what you want? I'd rather have a professional than a friend. Secular, humanist sounds good to me!

View Quoted Comment This is a great point. It's not just uncomfortable for us, it's rude to the Bishop to ask him to disobey his faith and values.

I found our officiant searching through wedding wire. She advertises that she will perform both religious and nonreligious ceremonies. You can also try googling officiants in your area and I'm sure you can find some who perform nonreligious ceremonies. I was worried when I started searching because we live in a very religious city and we are not. I found multiple options no problem. I feel the same way you do about having religion forced upon me so I completely understand where you're coming from. I wish you the best of luck in your officiant search! I'm sure you'll find a professional who will perform a ceremony that makes you happy and comfortable!

View Quoted Comment Yes. To be tolerant and decide, each person is entitled to his/her own beliefs is one thing. But just as neither of us want a Christian ceremony because not Christian, the moment you put this family member in the position of participating, not observing your rite, then he is being coerced to actively deny his religion. It can be hard for an outsider to see this. When pointing out to a parent the position it puts him in is a problem for him, not just you, they may see what was not clear before. My husband was raised Catholic by Italian immigrant mother, father one generation here. Coming from a small rural village where everyone has one village clergyman, one church, that also runs the schools , or an immigrant neighborhood in NYC post WW2 where people you worked with might vary, but everyone you lived near, and your whole social group which is extended family, believes one thing, it is hard for truly devout people to understand that their son does not believe many church teachings, though he has a strong belief in God. And marrying me, from 2 arctic peoples whom Lutherans, Roman Catholics, and Anglican missions did their best to convert under government pressure, the state church, I have much the same moral code and values as my now husband, but absolutely no belief in 90% of church doctrine. It was a dilemma for us that the parents' only request at marriage time was that we be married by their long time priest. My parents have dealt with this all their lives, and offered me some good advice. I did not want to be adversarial. So I went to see the priest. And after talking, found we were in complete agreement, Him, FI, and I. So he agreed to talk with us and FI's parents. And presented things to them. He said, having talked with me, and knowing their son since he baptized him, he was quite sure if our values, and had no problem with us marrying. But to marry in the Church, it would be asking him to stand before God and the congregation, with the three of us lying to God, about accepting and believing in the Church's sacrament of marriage. Did they feel that was right? Of course not, put like that. His assurance that after talking to me, he thought we could have a strong marriage and raise children with inbuilt sense of morals and our firm belief in a god, just not church doctrine ir faith, eased FIL minds. And let the priest, and us , off the hook. So gently talking about having the Bishop be a witness, but not a participant, for the same reasons, should help. In the US I know of 2 Lutheran conventions, one tolerant of intermarriage where beliefs substantially the same, one which would say that the clergy is betraying his own faith to conduct any marriage if not believers. I cannot think his parents would continue to push it once told just how wrong it would be to ask this of the Bishop.

View Quoted Comment Try looking on the WW vendors tab and googling local officiants. Also try googling to see if there’s a local humanist chapter. People/companies perform weddings professionally, it doesn’t have to be a choice between a church and a friend. Good luck in your search!

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You were soooo right! I wanted to back track and let you know how right you were. We decided to go with someone else. When he heard that we had even considered him, he was upset because he would never do a non-religious ceremony.

View Quoted Comment I am happy thing work out. We tend to see things from our point of view in religion, and forget that the officiant who is of one faith, is bound by their personal beliefs. And can love family members, but see that where their are genuine differences of faith, it is not what one group wants, or another. It matters that people believe in the particular vows, and that priests, ministers, bishops or other clergy believe the people they marry embrace the faith. Or, better a civil ceremony, than parents pushing a tradition on grown children, to please others.