Older Bride

This is going to be a deeply personal conversation with your FS.

Id say for the most part the couple splits the cost of the wedding and the honeymoon. I’d say from these boards and my friends weddings the days of the brides parents solely paying for the entire wedding has past.

If you’d like and are comfortable you can ask if they want to pay for anything but you really shouldn’t be demanding or expecting them to pay for your wedding.

Thank you Mrsbdg,

This is very helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on this discussion.

Lynn

I agree with her. Have a talk with your FH about this. How far till the wedding? In my culture (I’m Filipina) the FH’s family should pay for the wedding so I was surprised to know about the bride’s family paying most for the wedding in US or at least long time ago. But I told my fiancé that since we are both earning why don’t we set aside at least $500 each month to go towards our wedding fund. Come our wedding day we have already saved up $16k. So maybe you can suggest the same thing with your FH if your wedding date is still far or at least a year from now.

What?! In this day & age, most couple share costs including the wedding. Because couples also get married later, parents don’t usually pay for it (some may or may not give a cash gift). I’d be a little hurt & concerned your fiancé thinks you or your 80+ year old parents should pay for the wedding. 😞

I think you could definitely share you don’t feel that’s fair and discuss it.

Personally, I would not want my elderly parents who should be focusing on retirement to cover my expenses.

I am saving up money for my wedding and my mother (60 years old) offered to pay for my dress which I greatly appreciated. It is nicer to have people offer what they can when they can. If they have not offered I don't feel like it would be appropriate to expect that of them. And even if they do offer to cover a large portion it would be kind to be mindful of their age and the reality of their daily expenses and likely being on a budget.

If you have to have a more intimate ceremony and reception, it will be beautiful and you'll be surrounded by the people you truly love/care about, and it is budget friendly!

Remember it is just one day and the union between you are your partner matter a lot more than the wedding itself. I wish you luck! ☺️

Your fiance is being absolutely ridiculous. A typical wedding costs MUCH more than a honeymoon and rings. Once you are married, your finances will be intertwined one way or the other. I find it apalling that he expects you to bear the burden alone, and thinks it's appropriate to have senior citizens pay. Are they supposed to use their social security checks? He doesn't want to contribute to his own wedding? I think his attitude is truly disrespectful, and you should tell him so.

Finances are a personal thing. As an older bride (47) I haven't depended on my parents in a long time so FH and I have paid for our wedding ourselves. However, my mother did contribute to my dress. You gotta do whatever you feel more comfortable with.

First marriage for me this Thursday 09/19/19 and I’m 55 years old. I can say that there was no way that I would expect my 80 year old parents to pay for my wedding. My parents could well afford it but to them its an unnecessary expense. My FH are splitting the costs evenly except I bought my own dress and his wedding ring. He bought my engagement ring and wedding band. We are also splitting the honeymoon. FH never even mentioned that my parents should pay.

I am also an older bride and can’t imagine asking my parents to pay for my wedding. They are obviously retired and probably in a fixed income. At this stage of your life I personally feel you should be covering the entire wedding that is of course if your parents are very well off and want to contribute.

I’m 37 and my fiancé is 52. We are paying for our wedding ourselves, and would not want either of our parents to have to foot the bill. Especially his mother, who’s 80 (his father is deceased) and has a tight budget to begin with. I think you need to have a long talk about finances with him because it seems your expectations are not on the same page. I hope you can work this out.

This is a very outdated and old fashioned tradition. With people getting married later in life, it's unreasonable to expect parents to pay for it. If it were my 20-something daughters, I would be willing to pay around half or a little more. But definitely not for older couples.

As a young couple me 23 and he 24 I still did not expect my parents who are in their 40s to pay for my wedding. FH and I have paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner and my FMIL said the was her job and not to argue about it, so I let it go. I would sit down and have a long talk with your FH about his expectations regarding finances after the wedding just to make sure you are on the same page. As far as YOU paying that is also a discussion that needs to be with him. Good luck, and I hope it all works out!

It is the couples’ responsibility to pay for their wedding. How they do that is up to them, but his one sided “that’s on you” attitude is frankly pretty obnoxious. The wedding is both of yours, so it’s both of your responsibility. It would be one thing if together you looked at finances and decided that that way made sense but...this doesn’t sound like that. And the “mine versus yours” attitude with regards to finances is a tough way to start a marriage.

Are you sure you want to marry a guy with contracted, selfish attitudes like this?

FH and I each put away the same amount each month and then if one has extra to give (usually me because I also bartend on top of my normal job) we apply it where its needed. I don't think its fair. Now if he just wants to elope then I kind of see where hes coming from but he should still at least help. But if he wants a wedding and you do to it should be split for sure.

Since you're an older couple it's not up to your parents. You''re both settled in your lives i'm guessing so it should be up to the two of you. If your parents want to help you that's great, but at their ages that's a lot for your FH to expect. I'm an older bride too, I turn 50 2 weeks before our wedding, and my fiancee is 54. We're paying for everything

I got married in my twenties and even at the age of would never have dreamed of asking my parents to pay for my wedding. My current husband and I had a simple little destination vacation and paid for our immediate family members to come and attend. My parents offered to throw Celebration type cookout and I graciously accepted.
Asking the bride's parents to pay for the wedding is nothing much Beyond asking for a dowry. If he is trying to be traditional, keep in mind that the groom's family would be expected to pay for the cost of flowers and a rehearsal dinner.

My true thought is that it's incredibly disrespectful that he thinks you should stick your hand in your parents' wallets and rummage around for his wedding expenses. I'm shocked that he thinks this is an ok thing to do.

The current etiquette is for the couple to share the cost of the wedding. Any help from parents (bride's *or* groom's) is totally at their discretion.

I suspect your husband wants to be old-fashioned. However, the custom of a bride's parents paying was never universal. It varied by both region and class. Also, it really only applied to women leaving their parents' home for the first time and whose parents were well-off enough to do so. Furthermore, it definitely was never true that if a bride's parents couldn't pay, the bride herself paid.

You're correct that chipping in together is the best way forward. Perhaps for FH would be more willing to pool all the money he's willing to pay for the honeymoon with all the money you're hoping to contribute into a joint wedding & honeymoon fund.

There’s no way at your age you should be asking anyone to pay for anything, I assume both of you are established in your careers and are completely independent, and if you can’t afford to pay for it on your own at 58 then no offense but I think you should elope.