Overbearing mother in law

Eh, nuts of tables sounds very minimal. If you let her be distracted with these two things, she won't bother you with other things (hopefully). And you get bonus points for letting her have her way. It's such a small detail that I say to let her run with it.

If she pays she has a say. But not in everything. Can you sit down and show her your plans? Is it that hard to give in to mixed nuts at each table? Just let her know you will go ahead with the nuts and toffees but for decor, ceremony order and meals you and FH will be making those decisions.

Toffe sounds like an awesome wedding favor and the mixed nuts can be great at cocktail hour too. What exactly is the vision for the wedding? Perhaps she can assist you with picking linens, decor etc. it may also be helpful to show her options that you already like and having her give her opinion on those instead of just telling her no and/or giving her free rein.

Eta: I'm thinking gourmet mixed nuts. Roasted sea salt almonds, pralines and the like. If she's thinking boiled peanuts and plain salted almonds, direct her to some mixes that you and FH could live with. It's hard to appease her but you kinda have to let her have something.

I agree with Pcakes. Decide whats the most important to you and FH in terms of your vision, and let her have nuts on the table for an hour while everyone stands around and drinks. Besides, snacks.

Let her win a few battles about things you don't care about. Or give her a project framed around "oh I know the perfect thing you can help me with. How about X? What do you think?"

Other than that hold strong on what's important to you and say "thanks so much for the suggestions. We will think on it. " then change the subject.

All I can say is yes to all the toffee.

If she's giving you money she does get some input. Nuts and toffee don't seem that overbearing to me. What is it about mixed nuts and toffee that doesn't go with your vision? If you keep refusing her seemingly simple requests then she's liable to tell you to have fun paying for the wedding without her help.

Put some mixed nuts at the bar and have toffee as favors. I feel if you give in to her small requests it'll be easier to say no to the bigger ones because you'll be showing that you are open to her requests within reason.

However, I can understand how these small things can add up and you suddenly might feel like it's not your wedding. Weddings are HARD! May the force be with you ;-)

I never understand these kinds of adversarial melodramas. Over nuts? Really? Would you get bent out of shape over your mother wanting nuts at the cocktail hour? I mean, it just seems so incredibly unimportant. She's contributing to your wedding and you're calling her ideas crazy when, really, you haven't listed anything that's crazy yet. So her opinion is different than yours. If she pays, she gets a say, so you'll either have to honor her opinion on some things (like nuts) or decline her offer and pay for your own wedding.

Money = Input

Well, that does sound a bit more serious. Let her have the toffee and nuts. Say you will consider the 80 people to rehearsal but the decision is ultimately up to you two (then obviously don't include them if you don't want to). If she's being TOO pushy on the dress, don't invite her to all appointments. But make sure to include her in some appointments to make sure you do not upset her. Maybe mention that you need some alone time shopping with your friends (if she asks why she wasn't invited). Finances... Ehh... I feel like this is easy to nod and say thanks for the advice, but I don't know how in depth it goes. The train station thing is a bit much.

Sometimes you have to play politics with family to keep the peace. You may want to rip your hair out, but it's better to smile and nod than to have a sour relationship this early on.

Let the record show ( hehehe. Sorry, had to!) that OP commented before me with similar language which is now edited to be the original post. Before my previous comment, her post only mentioned the toffee and nuts. Which explains the initial comments

OP- I really don't know why it's relevant that she is Jewish. But she might also just be overly excited to be a part of her son's wedding. So yes, she may seem nuts at some point, but I imagine it's a very emotional time for her, as well. Good luck and I hope you are able to plan with less stress from here on out!

I agree with Pancakes that I don't get why it's relevant that she's Jewish. Is it an interfaith marriage? I think what pps have suggested is the way to go. When people pay that gives them say. While you don't have to give her full control, some compromises might be needed. You can do this while still keeping your vision.

For the RD, is she specifically paying for it? How big is the wedding? Is the 80 people all OOT guests? If it is all OOT guests, that might be a cultural thing. My mom wanted 60+ people at the RD because she wanted all OOT guests (and my family is Jewish). FH and his grandmother are hosting and we all thought it was too many people. I convinced my mom that I didn't want a mini wedding for the RD, so now it's just parents, grandparents and bp. 80 people is a lot, but if she's hosting and wants all OOT guests then I might just let her have that one. See if she could cut it down at all though.

Eta: from what I remember growing up, RDs are not really part of Jewish tradition. It tends to be a big welcome dinner for all OOT guests. At least that's been my experience, but I haven't been to a traditional Jewish wedding in over ten years.

Still - I don't understand why toffee is such a bad idea? Who doesn't love toffee?

So here is my advice from experiencing one year of planning with an overbearing mother in law:

1. Explain your vision, with pictures, without putting down anything she say. Say key phrases like "we want to keep it simple so we don't get stressed out" "we want to enjoy this process" "starting our marriage debt-free" "enjoy our guests with smaller wedding so we can actually spend time with them"

2. Pick what your priorities are and then give her things to do (SO IMPORTANT). My MOH is taking care of the guests welcome bags, bathroom baskets, and has been collecting vases/candle holders from goodwill. I have also brought her to my appointments for my dress. I send her pictures of things she's interested in to keep her in the loop.

3. Always say thank you for suggestions. "Thank you, that's a great idea, let us look at our budget and see how that might work" goes a long way. Brush off the comments you might not like (MOH: "brown shoes with a gray tux look weird, I don't like it" = bride: "we've enjoyed that style at other weddings, but thank you for your input. What do you think of ___" and then distract her).

4. Do actually take some of her ideas and execute them, even if they are not exactly what you want (see #2). Then it's easier to not do the others that really don't work.

5. Embrace the things you love about her and show appreciation as much as you can. My MOH has a huge heart and usually comes from a good place.

Be willing to compromise. In the end, you are merging two families and you want to start on a good foot. Everyone is going to have opinions. My MOH suffers from an abundance of opinions and a lack of filter. But 9 months into planning, she "got" our vision and has suggested a lot less stereotypical wedding ideas that we would not be into. And she has kept her mouth shut a lot more when she doesn't really like something. In return, I've learned to be wayyy more patient, delegate, and not be so a-type about everything. Good luck!

Edited to add story:

I am atheist and do not plan on becoming Catholic, but willing to get married in the church and raise our kids Catholic for my FH and his family. My MOH just told me that she talked to her priest back home about marrying us (not planned) and they came up with the idea of baptizing me at the wedding. Yup.. they are planning my baptism. At the wedding. Even though I have clearly said I am not planning on becoming Catholic. She tells me about this yesterday and says "wouldn't it be just wonderful? Father __ says he would give you the most beautiful, incredible wedding". Sigh. Still love the woman. Sometimes it's just a little harder

Is she paying for the RD? If so she has say in the RD. Now, if she's wanting to invite people to the RD that aren't invited to the wedding, that's a whole different ball game.

Toffee and nuts doesn't sound like a problem to me. I would love to snack on that! I feel that if she wants that and is willing to pay to have that at the wedding, let her.

Welcome to WW! Change your avatar- the rings are associated with spam/trolls so it will help you get more responses.

I also have a totally overbearing MIL! I agree that you and your FH need to be a united front, because it definitely sets a precedence for your marriage! Because your MIL is contributing financially to your wedding, there are some things you are going to need to listen to her on. I would practice saying "Thanks for your suggestion!" "That's an interesting idea! I'll consider it." etc. so that she feels that her opinions/input are being heard but its still *your* wedding. Also, pick your battles (like the toffee and nuts thing).

Let her win one or two battles but just say the rest if you'd like input you have to pay for input.

Well isn't she (the grooms family) supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner anyways? I say stand your ground. It'd be a shame to look back at your wedding and say wow I wish we'd just done what WE wanted. If she really won't talk to you or her own son because of minor details then that's her own issue. I think she will come around. However, if she is contributing money you might have to compromise.

@Mikayla, traditionally, yes the grooms family would pay for the RD. These days no one has to contribute to the wedding. Some couples pay for everything including the RD. Sometimes the grooms family pays for more of the wedding than the brides family. Sometimes the brides family pays for the RD. There really are no set rules as to who pays for what anymore.