Panic Disorder/severe Anxiety Groom Here

If your anxiety is that severe, I feel like she should compromise on the size of the wedding. Maybe have a very intimate ceremony with just immediate family and then a slightly larger, separate reception? That way you wouldn’t have to stand in front of everyone for the ceremony.

I like the idea. But honestly it's not even the size of the ceremony. It's the mere anxiousness itself of standing up in front of people knowing photos are being taken and all eyes on us. It's not like I can run to the bathroom or go lay down until I relax. It's a fear of no escape feeling almost.

You say you’ve tried medication and are seeing a psychiatrist. Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) with your psychiatrist or another therapist? I think of it as PT for your brain. It worked wonders for my anxiety and panic a few years ago. It sounds like a lot of your panic is stemming from worrying about panicking at the wedding which is similar to what I used to do in every day life. CBT helped me stop panicking about the panic which only exacerbates the issue. I would highly recommend giving it a try if you haven’t before. You might be able to make quite a bit of progress by 2020.

What About eloping then doing a reception with friends and family?

View Quoted Comment I totally agree. If your wedding is a terrifying experience for you, she needs to be understanding and compromise. I was thrilled we had a small wedding with 15 guests, I would not want more eyes on me during the ceremony or seeing me take vows which is so intimate. We had a bigger reception later, just a big party (we wore wedding attire).

Can you propose either family-only or elopement ceremony, bigger reception a few weeks or months later? Tell her you’re worried about your health and want to enjoy your wedding. Plus, with a reception later she can have the bigger “party” feel and wear her wedding dress again (or a different one). It seems like for your health she needs to compromise. A wedding is stressful and your health is more important.

I appreciate such quick and thoughtful replies, I didn't know how much people watched this forum. It's difficult to explain, it's not even the number of people. I guess it's the fear of dry heaving when saying I do etc I guess. The initial walk down the aisle, and the slow dance and stuff. It's hard to explain, because at large family gatherings I'm fine. I know I need to work with a therapist too, but a therapist won't exactly save me from having an attack at the ceremony. Granted certain medications can keep me calm, but whereas I've never been married before, it's something about the unknown that bothers me.

View Quoted Comment This probably won’t help, but maybe rehearsing multiple times? Gather a few close friends/family and do a “mock” ceremony. At least you would know how exactly it would go. Just a thought, I hope everything goes well for you!

So sorry you are going through this. I also have anxiety and I 100% understand your fear - I've had that same feeling as well. I get so nervous in any situation where I dont have an "exit" plan so to speak if I need it, especially when I'm in an unknown situation.

We've decided to do a private ceremony partially for this reason, itll only be us and our immediate families and will be a max of 15 minutes. I know I'll still be nervous but itll be easier to handle. We'll have a bigger reception after but we've opted out of some of the traditions so the attention won't be on me as much, so no first dance, cake cutting, grand entrance, etc. Do you think these are compromises your fiancee might be willing to make?

Also I know you mentioned therapy and medications which I strongly recommend, but I'd also highly suggest meditation and yoga as well. I have an app on my phone called stop breathe think and it really helps calm me down when my anxiety gets bad. I'm also planning on doing yoga leading up to my wedding to combat stress. Good luck, Im so sorry you are feeling this way and I really hope you can find something that will work for you.

I have really REALLY bad anxiety. I was in a group for several years for social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder. I have gotten better and I can function for the most part now. Here is what we did...

STOLE THIS FROM ANOTHER WEBSITE!!!
The easiest way to cut the list is to come up with firm rules and actually stick to them. We promise it'll be easier in the long run and you'll avoid potential drama down the line. What do we mean by "rules"? First, If neither you nor your spouse has ever spoken to, met or heard a person’s name before, don't invite them. If it’s a friend of your parents, and your parents are being generous by footing some or all of the bill, that may be a different story. Maybe work out a compromise with them where you promise to cut one of your own chosen guests for every one of their chosen guests. Second, leave out anyone neither of you has spoken to in three or more years (or is related to). That means old high school or college friends you're pretty sure you'll never see again, or second and third cousins whose names you can barely remember. Finally, if there's anyone on your list who's only included because you feel guilty about leaving them off (maybe you were invited to their wedding or they're friends with lots of people who are invited), cut them. You shouldn’t feel like you “owe” them an invite to your wedding—it’s your day, and you should be surrounded by friends and family that you really want to be there.

Having an elopement ceremony with a big party later sounds like a good compromise.

Your health should absolutely come first, and she should be supportive of that.

I have panic disorder and social anxiety as well and have learned to manage it in a way that works for me. Some days are great and others not so much, but I learn from the bad and move forward.

Hopefully, you will find a medication and dosage that works out. I know how hard it is to figure it out. I've been taking a break from medication (did Ativan PRN but I probably need an everyday med) but am trying something new starting January as well as CBT. I highly recommend therapy. In addition to discovering triggers behind the anxiety, the therapy helps you rework your thoughts so that you're able to break free from the constant chaos inside your head. I got a little comfortable going it alone without meds/therapy but going back in for my tune up.

The first thing I thought was that your fiancee should compromise and elope if it's what you need. The whole "in sickness and in health" thing comes into mind here. The most important thing is to marry you, but that is between the two of you. We are having a smaller wedding because it's what we both want but I have no doubt in my mind that my fiance would marry me at City Hall if I would be dry heaving during our ceremony.

I truly wish you the best of luck. I completely understand. Just know that there's help out there, even if it's hard to find. And don't get discouraged with your medication. I've had a lot of success with Ativan, but it's not something you can take everyday. It's definitely a good idea to have on hand for the wedding, if it works for your panic attacks.

I have autism, pretty bad anxiety, and some form of personality disorder
For me I have a lot of fears for my wedding like walking down the aisle .... i have had several severe panic attacks when I am at family gatherings .... so I am afraid I am going to have one at the wedding. But i know if i rely on my fiance and my moms i know i can make it threw the day .... i will also take one of my klonopin so it will somewhat help.

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I agree with this. It is not going to be fun if you are not comfortable at your own wedding. See if she would be open to this idea. Best of luck to you and congratulations!

With all due respect, if your anxiety is that bad, I don't think a wedding message board will offer you any better solutions than your psychiatrist will. (And I say that as someone who has dealt with anxiety/depression for most of their adult life)

If you're just looking for alternative ideas just for the sake of discussion, then the only thing I could think of is maybe try practicing in some capacity. Try giving a speech in front of your family over the holidays. Like, maybe try saying grace or making a toast. Treat it like a skill you need to hone.

Cognitive behavioral therapy might be a suitable option! It will help you work through these situations and emotions that rise.

Fellow PTSD sufferer here. Our wedding is this June, so we've gotten most of the planning and vendors booked. I know you said that you have a Psychiatrist, but are you also in active therapy? If not, I highly recommend it. I learned to identify triggers, recognize the physical symptoms, and just get a better handle on all of it through my therapist more so than the MD. I personally feel that the MD is more of a "Let's try this medication and see how you feel in a month" kind of entity. I recommend therapy weekly, and even twice weekly when a stressful event is coming up.

PTSD is something that people can sympathize with, but unless you have it, you can never truly know. So just be prepared that you may get a lot of well meant advice here, but try not to get too frazzled by it. They just don't know.

In regard to the wedding planning, I initially wanted to elope as well, but he had his heart on something a bit more traditional. We compromised by having a smaller event and with the venue selection. Having the right environment is key for me and so he has been very supportive with letting me choose those details. That is something you really need to discuss with your fiancé and make sure there is a solid line of communication between you two. It isn't that you are being a scrooge or a "groomzilla", it's that this isn't a "I want issue", it's an "I need issue". Going into your therapist together would help a lot too. It did for us.

So this is all based on my personal situation and triggers, but hopefully you can get the gist of where I am coming from and perhaps use them to help you with the planning. I was upfront and honest with every single vendor. It isn't easy sometimes, but I have found the majority of people are understanding and will work with you and those that don't? Well you know that they aren't the right vendor to go with. We are getting married in a church. In addition to the PTSD, I have a spinal cord injury and severe nerve damage which causes a lot of pain and makes it difficult to walk. This is all from the same event and therefore connected. People staring at me is a trigger and the limp tends to draw attention. I flat out told this to the pastor and made it clear that I couldn't kneel, sit, stand, or do many motions because of it. So our service will be a bit different with me walking down supported by my father and my fiancé and I standing the entire time, with him supporting me on the way out. The ceremony will be shortened as well.

The reception is at a 19th century barn on a vineyard. We have access to all 80+ acres and the vineyard and if need be, we can take a breath of fresh air. The interior of the barn is also set up so that the initial space you walk into is the dance floor/dining area. Then to the right and rear is the bar and restrooms, and passed that is a private "bridal suite" It has couches, chaise lounges, wine, and most importantly, privacy. Only a select few will be allowed admittance and just knowing that I have a private place to go if I start having a panic attack or a pain flare up in itself helps with the anxiety.

The DJ is someone we know personally and so he will be focusing on getting everyone out on the dance floor and having a fun time. He's also aware, so he can gauge the situation and act accordingly. I also explained the situation with the photographer and he was great too. It's a father/son team and their style is more photo-journalistic, not the pose here and there and let me make you feel even more awkward than you already do type. So with them understanding, that helps ease my mind too.

Our wedding is about 1 1/2 hours away and it is on a Saturday. To prepare, I booked the largest suite the hotel had and am going up there the Thursday before with my MOH. I am booking a massage and the room has a jacuzzi tub. I plan on relaxing and lounging as much as possible before the madness. I also hired a hair and makeup team to come to the hotel the morning of the wedding so I do not have to go anywhere. Everyone is coming to me. I recommend that whatever you need, work it out so that you do not have to worry about getting here or there. Everything is centralized.

I also am getting a round of cortisone/lidocaine injections along my neck and the length of my spine a few weeks before to help prepare. Have an anti anxiety medication handy for that week as well, like Xanax. Just make sure it is something that you have taken before so you don't end up a zombie. A lot of times just knowing you have it "in case" will help you not go from a 7 to a 10.

If while planning and you really do feel like this isn't a possibility and that there is no way you could get through a traditional wedding without a panic attack, then tell her. At the end of the day, it is about the two of you committing yourselves to one another and starting a life together. It's not about the cake, flowers, and poufy white dress. Maybe at that point you can suggest taking the funds you set aside for the wedding and do an amazing honeymoon. Communication is key and honesty. I hope this helps and know you aren't alone brother.

Prepare for the worst case scenario. I know that just having a plan helps me out.

My husband has anxiety. He got through our wedding by practicing cognitive behavioral therapy techniques. Basically realizing his thoughts were irrational and thinking about how this was going to be a happy and positive time. His groomsmen were amazing with keeping him calm before the ceremony. He almost passed out before the start of the ceremony but the venue staff got him water and his groomsmen helped him feel better. After I walked down the aisle everything was great. He was totally fine for our reception, he was able to dance, eat, drink, and mingle with guests which are not always easy for him in this type of setting.

So my advice to you would be start thinking now that this is going to be a wonderful day and you will NOT feel anxious or panicked. It's called self-fulfilling prophecy, if you think you'll be anxious, dry heaving and panicked, your brain will make that a reality, but if you stop picturing that happening and tell yourself it definitely won't happen and you'll have the happiest day of your life then that will be the reality. Make sure those around you before the start of the wedding are people that can help you remain calm and positive. Only invite guests that you have positive, healthy relationships with.

For PTSD, I would recommend seeking out a therapist that is certified in EMDR. It's absolutely incredible. CBT is another great resource as well as another poster already mentioned. Medication is great, but it really only takes care of half the battle (the "what" = panic attacks/anxiety, but not the "why" = why are they happening?).

My husband was very nervous, and had a lot of anxiety about our wedding, but didn't tell me about it until we had already started booking things and I wish he had said something sooner. It ended up being fine and we had no issues, but I knew how nervous he was. Have you talked to her about your concerns? What does she say? She may need to make some compromises because it really isn't fair to you to be forced into panic attacks all day long on what should be the happiest day of your life. What about an intimate ceremony with your immediate families and a larger reception? No cake cutting/grand entrance/spotlight dances/garter toss. Just a lively party with friends and family to celebrate.

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This a great idea! H was super nervous about dancing, so we practiced dancing in our kitchen prior to the wedding. It helped so much with easing his anxiety and no he is a dancing fool! We even practiced with drinks in our hands and to all different types of music.

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A therapist may not be able to stop you from having a panic attack at the ceremony, but they can work with you to identify your triggers and give you coping skills to help you in that situation, which can stop you from having a panic attack at the ceremony.