Paranoid about the future

I can 100% relate but my parents aren't divorced. I love my dad, but he can be a real jerk to my mom. FH has a temper similar to my dads, but he even comments on how bad he speaks to her, so I'm not that worried. Our arguments have gotten better and we've learned how to communicate better.

I was in a similar situation. My family did not have a good divorce (and then annulment). I was worried that I might bring that into my relationship with him. This ended up a conversation rather early on, and we really focused on our communication. I let him know times when I would react inappropriately, and we worked out a system. If either one of us had a 'bad day,' we would text/inform each other before we got home. When one of us gets moody, we check in.

This system has really worked to respect and get to know each other a lot better. In addition, I sought out therapy for a few months. I wanted to make sure I was healthy before I saddled him with any of my problems for a lifetime! My sessions focused overall family dynamics instead of romantic relationship ones. This really helped me get my head on straight.

So in general: communicate and make sure you're in a good place.

My parents were never married and now my mom is kind of crazy and doesn't treat my stepdad very good.

FH parents had a nasty divorce.

However, both of our grandparents have been great examples of marriages to look to and learn from.

I think our parents relationships/divorces had an influence on that fact that it took FH 8.5 years to propose to me.

I think if you guys don't have these issues, you shouldn't be worried. Also maybe ask your mom some warning signs to look for, like was your dad like this before marriage?

Keep open communication and express when something is bothering you. Make quality time, cuddling, whatever, a priority if that's something that's important to you.

It sounds like you know better than your own parents. Don't stress yourself out thinking about the bad that "could" happen, and focus on the good that you DO have.

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That's really great advice, I'll definitely remember to do that because I've found that communication really is effective. I'm glad things are going well for you and your SO.

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Thank you so much!

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I totally agree with that, I'll definitely try to remember that!

I'd highly suggest counseling, everyone can benefit from counseling! It could help you explore this worries and deal with your past. Either way, counseling or not, it's normal to have fears and worry! You are not your parents and it sounds like you learned from them what NOT to do. Keep supporting your mom- there are resources for women who need to leave bad relationships with kids. I'm sure you have no reason to worry happy planning!

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Thank you, and I'm glad the advice helps. In my case, my husband came from a solid and secure background. That probably saved my sanity a lot.

I feel the same way. I don’t have any examples of a good marriage and my fiancé and I have had our problems in the past. I get scared too but I think about the good things and they are worth holding on to.

A friend of mine told me she & her hubby set ground rules for arguments: no name calling, no bringing up other issues/fights, no bad touching (pushing, slapping, etc). You can set your own (no slamming doors, etc).

It may also be helpful when you’re calm to discuss what happens/what you feel during an argument and what you need. My hubby is very emotional and raises his voice, etc. Well with violence in my house that makes me scared go quiet and want to avoid him. So if he wants us to talk, he needs to calm down. It’s taken a few discussions but our arguments are a lot better! Communication is really key.

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This sounds a lot like my FH actually haha! When he starts to swear I get pretty emotional and just shut down at that point. I'll communicate with him maybe some things I want to avoid when we argue and see if that helps. Thank you!

My parents had an AWFUL marriage. I am in therapy due to their awful marriage. It is definitely scary because these are the types of relationships that you (and I) have been exposed to. I remember the first time I went to someone's house in high school and saw their parents cuddling and getting along and I realized "oh, my parent's relationship is not like that at all." You are going to have to work hard to not emulate what you have been taught, but I will say, it is good that you even recognize it and are willing to change it. If you are concerned with repeating patterns or already see some similarities in how you react/respond to your fiance, I really suggest couple counseling and one-on-one counseling. Thankfully, my husband came from a very healthy home and his parents have a very good relationship, so he was very patient with me and we have learned how to treat, react and respond to one another. It will take time. But again, it so good that you recognize this could be a problem. Most people don't and just think you can treat people like trash and they are supposed to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Also, I would recommend you supporting your Mom and help her reach out for help and how she can leave your Dad. I think my Mom felt the same and she became very depressed and it did not end well.

I can 100% relate. I don’t speak to either of my parents, but the fighting was so bad the cops were at the house every weekend, and my sister and I (and my brother after he was born) used to have to hide out upstairs in my grams house. She was the only saving grace. FH and I don’t really fight that often, it’s just been an argument for a while now about moving out of state before the wedding, which we finally came to an agreement on. I told him before we got engaged that I wouldn’t move out of state with him unless we were married, for my own security. It’s sad to think that way, but not everything always ends up perfect like it seems it will be. Arguments are always going to happen in a relationship, it’s how you handle them that makes the difference. If he’s nothing like your dad, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about ❤️