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Beginner June 2022

Parents hate future In Laws

Anonymous, on February 6, 2022 at 11:56 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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I hate that I’m even writing this but I don’t know what else to do and I just need some advice here. First, I will start with the fact that I’m my FH and I are paying for our entire wedding with no assistance from anyone else. This was our choice because my parents (particularly my mom) made it a living hell when we were planning with her paying so we changed directions.

My parents are “loners”. They really don’t have many (if any??) friends. And they definitely keep to themselves. They have decided without even meeting my FH parents that they despise them and “everything they stand for”. My mom ran background checks on them and found some things she didn’t like and now they refuse to meet them. They agreed to be in the same room as them at ceremony + reception (and are acting like they are doing me a favor) but that is it. They will not do a bridal shower where in laws are present, will not get ready with me on wedding day if in laws are present, will not do rehearsal dinner, nothing. I am SO stressed because I feel like I’m put in a position where I constantly have to choose to either have my mom with me and intentionally leave out in laws, or in laws present and my parents refuse to be present. I don’t know what to do for planning a rehearsal or any other wedding stuff where it’s respectful to be inclusive and invite everyone.
Yes, I know my parents are being toxic. They are the only family I have aside from my siblings. I’m just really saddened by their behavior and there’s nothing I can do to change their mind. Any advice on how I can proceed with all of this stuff?

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Latest activity by Steph, on February 7, 2022 at 9:19 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on February 6, 2022 at 12:12 PM
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I don’t know what they found on the background check, but you need to set boundaries with your parents. I know it’s not easy but you’ll feel a lot better for it. It’s not up to you to cater everything for your wedding around them. They won’t get ready with you if your in-laws are there? They’ll be missed. They won’t attend your rehearsal dinner? They’ll be missed. Giving in to them will only create this same issue for every life event you have going forward.
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Beginner June 2022
Anonymous · on February 6, 2022 at 12:16 PM
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His dad had an anger thing like 20 something years ago and he went to anger management for it and therapy and now is a totally normal person. His sister had something bigger which I totally understand their thoughts behind that, but still. I feel like for my sake they could suck it up and be in the same room. Nothing bad is going to happen. But I agree. It’s sad for me to think about my mom not getting ready with me before my wedding. Or wanting to be at my bridal shower or rehearsal dinner.

I also really struggle with how I would explain it to people when they ask- because they WILL ask my my parents aren’t there. It’s embarrassing for me and I feel ashamed by their behavior. So far I’ve just avoided the comments when people ask why they haven’t met them and stuff but I can only avoid that for so long. It’s going to be really obvious when they don’t show up for bigger things in the future
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Super March 2022
Candace · on February 6, 2022 at 12:32 PM
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What does your mom expect you to do - have pre-wedding events and exclude your FILs because she doesn't like them? I'm sure you already know and have told her how unreasonable she's being. Does your mom like your FH? Maybe if he talked to her and asked that she meet his parents privately.
Good for you for changing direction and paying for the wedding. That's a big deal. Ultimately, you will have to maintain that precedent of not feeding into their toxic demands. Yes, it will be sad that she's not there to get ready with you or share the fun at the bridal shower, but that will be her choice. You're not responsible for her reactions to your boundaries.
Regarding people's questions, that's going to be hard. Maybe you can just be vague, and say that they don't like social gatherings and get anxiety. I think people will understand that. And if they are recluse as you mentioned, that's probably true.
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Beginner June 2022
Anonymous · on February 6, 2022 at 12:42 PM
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So originally no they didn’t like him. I’m not even sure what they think now. They were HORRIBLE to him originally. They didn’t think he was good enough for me (they were being very judge mental). After YEARS of fights, they finally accepted him because we were planning to get engaged and they basically realized their was no convincing me at that point. Do they still dislike him? Maybe. But at least to his face (and mine) they are nice to him.

I’ve really tried to convince them to give his family a chance. They refuse. In her words (she sent me this I’ve text) “it’s not like something where we don’t like them and then we meet them and like them. We do not want to associate with them. We are not ever changing our minds”. So yeah… it really feels like they are giving me an ultimatum- us or them kind of thing. And I think they know that hurts me because what daughter wouldn’t want her mom in her life. And it’s so stressful for me to constantly play mediator and have to be the one separating things out (holidays, birthdays, weddings, you name it).
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Jm Sunshine · on February 6, 2022 at 1:02 PM
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I am so sorry your parents are so toxic, intolerant and judgemental. I am sure your FH is uncomfortable around them and must feel some shame for how they feel toward his family. I hope they will realize this decision will (if not already) drive a wedge between your relationship with them. We love our son in law and had concerns about meeting his family when he married our daughter because they have criminal records (he doesn't but both parents do, so he was raised by grandparents). My husband is also a police officer so it was an uncomfortable predicament but we knew that if we showed any resistance to having his parents there (we helped pay for the wedding) we would have possibly severed the relationship we have with our daughter/SIL and any future grandchildren. I made sure his mom was invited to any pre-wedding activities and that both felt welcomed day of wedding. We didn't do it for us, but for our kids. Again, I am very sorry your parents can't put aside their foolishness for you and pray will all work out in the end.
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Rockstar
Rosebud · on February 6, 2022 at 1:04 PM
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If you are comfortable with his family that's what is most important. While I can understand your parent being concerned about discovering some unpleasant things in your future spouse's family people do make mistakes and should be given the chance show who they are now and that they have grown and learned from said mistakes. I would tell your parents they don't need to be friends with your in laws but they do need to be respectful and civil. You should also let it be known that you would appreciate if they respected you by not speaking badly of them in your presence. Family drama is hard, good luck!
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Super March 2022
Candace · on February 6, 2022 at 2:22 PM
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You really are in a predicament. However, you have to decide now how you'll handle your parents' ultimatums. Because what happens when you have kids? Are they not coming to your baby's first birthday because your in laws will be there? If so, then that's their choice. So sorry you're going through this, but I think you know what you have to do. If you're not in counseling right now, I think you should do that for yourself. It will be so helpful to have that kind of support while you go through this. Because it will not end with the wedding
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Super July 2022
Shannon · on February 6, 2022 at 2:55 PM
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Things will not change unless you put your foot down. They will continue to be manipulative and selfish until you stop enabling their behavior. So If they choose not to come to the rehearsal and other events, that’s their choice and decision. They are trying to punish you by giving ultimatums and that’s not okay.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on February 6, 2022 at 8:12 PM
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Yup, this.
And you can tell them you will not choose one set of parents over the other and trying to force you to choose is very manipulative and hurtful. And that you hope they can be there to support you on the day of your wedding (but if not, that’s their poor choice and you continue to enjoy your day)!
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Just Said Yes October 2022
Carly · on February 6, 2022 at 10:27 PM
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When they ask, just say "They chose not to be here. It's sad but their choice." You might even consider finding a good therapist you click with to help you sort out how to set boundaries now and in the future. I'm not even inviting my parents to my wedding because of the hell they've put me through in the past. Good luck!
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Super October 2022
Jessi · on February 7, 2022 at 8:13 AM
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I completely agree with this. While I totally understand why you would feel embarrassed by their behavior, they are the ones choosing to be this way. I would let others know that it's their choice not to attend. Even though they're family you have no obligation to try and save face for them. At the very least they can be in the same room as your in laws. No one said they have to be best friends, but adults can be civil while around people they may not like.
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Dedicated May 2022
Steph · on February 7, 2022 at 9:19 PM
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Ouch. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I firmly believe that while it’s amazing to have a close and supportive family, some people don’t respect the fact that we all grow and choose our own path. Kindly tell them that you respect their opinions and let them know that your wedding is about YOU and their opinion of other people present should not be a factor. Tell them that you are deeply hurt and offended by them making it about others. Also, do not expect them to make nice or be friends with anyone. Make it clear that you respect their stance on this. But also make it clear that you expect for them to respect YOUR stance as well. If they want to be a part of this, they need to be there for YOU. Nobody else. It sounds bad, but it might be the only way to get through to them. I hope it all goes well and you have an amazing day.
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Parents hate future In Laws

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