Pausing and restarting the engagement

Not exactly the same, but my fiancé and I were together for a year and I thought I was getting a ring but instead he broke up with me and proposed to his ex girlfriend from 2012 on a whim and long distance. It was really traumatizing and took a lot of therapy. They were only engaged for a month and broke up, and then later my fiancé and I got back together but I was still angry and hurt and traumatized. Time and therapy helped a little, but when we finally got engaged and moved across the country starting fresh together, all my negative feelings and issues melted away. We were separated from past people and environments and facing a new world together. It’s been 2.5 years now and I haven’t forgotten but I have forgiven and moved on and we’re really happy now. Good luck to you guys, relationships are so hard and you are not alone.

We’ve been off and on for 22 years. Part of those 22 years we were married to other people.

You both have done the right thing with recognizing that the relationship was in crisis and then taking the proper action of seeking therapy and healing. This may sound a bit corny, but I truly believe that everything does happen for a reason (it's the only way I can come to terms with serious trauma in my life). The way I see it, is that a relationship that is seriously tested through trials and tribulations before the legal commitment of marriage, and properly dealt with like how you have with therapy, honesty, and focusing on healing, will be stronger in the long run than a relationship that hasn't been tested. When the tough times come again, and surely they will in every relationship, you both can reflect and know that you do have the capability to work through things together and both are truly committed to your life together as a single unit.

I don't know you or your fiancé personally, so I say this just from my personal experience. Perhaps thinking of "how it was before" isn't the best way to view the situation. It's like a surgery. The trauma is corrected and the body healed, but there will always be a scar. I'm assuming from your post that you both have identified what triggered the turmoil in the first place. My advice would be to just focus on the future, not how it was; to be open and honest with one another and to not hesitate to communicate if the previous issues or feelings of negativity start up again; and to keep focus on why you chose this person to be your life partner and the love that you share for one another.

It sounds like you are still healing and there is nothing wrong with that. When our lives get turned upside down it is upsetting to say the least. Take all the time you need and listen to your gut. I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Just want to say thanks for the replies. To be honest, wasn't sure if anyone would have anything to say in this kind of forum, but the notes from Peggy and Eamsee are very helpful and encouraging!