Plan B guests, how to deal with invitations? Is it rude....

Typically you will need to have a second set of rsvps made with a closer date on it for your B list. Your A list RSVP date should allow time for the B list invites to go out. A list invites should go out a little early to allow for this arrangement. 10-12 weeks, with a RSVP date of 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding day, then the B-list can go out with 3-4 week RSVP dates.

B lists have to be handled carefully so as not to be rude, but it can be done. Keep close watch on the count and send out additional invites as you are able.

And keep the B list SMALL.

I had one old friend (we were out of touch for 20 years & got back in touch 2 years ago) say she'd heard I was getting married and she'd love an invite. My invites had already gone out. The guest list was locked and I told her so. I said I felt bad and wished I'd included her. So when I got cancellations and invited her, she laughed with good nature about being B list.

My point is every situation is different. There are good reasons why someone might be on the B list.

We had a couple we decided not to invite. At the last minute my spouse said, she felt really bad not inviting them. She phoned them, to the effect of "I know it's very late but we really want you there." They came and we're glad we did it.

I find the A List / B List idea confusing and complicated. And calculatingly cold. About 20% of your guests will decline, in general. Isn't it simpler to plan accordingly?

I don't understand why anyone would think it is ok to risk offending someone who might accidentally find out they were on a B list. I get it that there are venue and budget considerations that make it a calculated risk for some, but I'm personally not going to do that. If I even suspected that I was a "B" list guest, I would not attend. Ever. Not because of hurt feelings but because, for whatever reason, the bride and groom had to make tough decisions and we're likely not close. My gift to that lovely couple would be a decline.

Whatever works, but for me, simplicity works best.

ETA: Deborah, you've made a lot of good points. I.huh...

B k=lists are not rude unless you make them rude. Saying they are rude is rude lol jk! Seriously, you do them right they arent rude. Like mentioned, sometimes we can't invite everyone we want but could once we get no's. For me I come from a very big family and I have a lot of friends! I wish I couldve invitem all off the bat but that's not possible. So I ordered some with a different RSVP date basically the date was close to the date I needed to give me final number. So as no's came in the other invite was sent out immediatly.

Listen people undrstand that know and love you! I invited a friend the day before my wedding! Trust me people understand!

IMO, B-list is not rude at all and I appreciate for the feedback of mixed opinions. Having two RSVP cards seems like a good option and I am also planning to send out my invites pretty early so I can start tracking and inviting my B-listed guests (who are people I want them to be there, but couldn't afford them to invite them as my MUST list since it will be way too many). I will keep my B-list and hopefully I won't hurt anyone's feelings.

PS: I was invited as B-listed before and the bride told me: hey so and so couldn't come, would you like to come and I did!! So it's ok, no hard feelings

I dont think B lists are rude at all unless you are rude about it. We are only inviting 100 ppl minus the BP so about 80 lol. We have big families and many who will be invited bc of my mom. ((Who is helping to pay)). I however am strong on not inviting kids unless they are in the BP. So if that means less people accept, I'll invite more of who I want.

Another one for thinking that b lists aren't rude.

firstly, if you group people correctly then most people won't know they are b-listed. but for this you either need a separate RSVP date for the b-list or to only depend on early RSVPs and send out b-list invites long before the deadline (we are doing the latter).

secondly, i have been a b-list invite twice and in neither case was i offended. once it was a colleague of six months or so (we weren't close when she sent the invites, but became closer as time went on). the second was an acquaintance from university who we see at group events but never hang out with individually. we knew we were on the b list because we didn't get a save the date, whereas some of our mutual friends did. it was nice to be included at both events. no hard feelings here. if it was cousins or certain people from a close group of friends, that might be different.

I'm also adding one for the I don't think it's really rude team. We had a few people that FH wanted to invite, but our original list was large enough. We said if we got a few declines, we would send invites to them. We sent our invites out way ahead of time, and actually our RSVP date for everyone is this Friday. Our guests had PLENTY of time to respond, and we sent out the few friends we were waiting to see if we would have room for invites in early October. Still plenty of weeks ahead of the RSVP date. I think people understand that weddings are super expensive.

I also think it's different if you're sending a "B-list" invite to people you're closer to, versus like.. a random friend you haven't talked to in a while that makes it seem like you're just trying to fill a seat...

Ok, this topic has been bugging me out and I don't know why, but I looked up wedding etiquette. Here's the closest thing I could find to an answer (paraphrased from a response by Judith Martin)

Brides should first determine who they want to be there, then scale the food//venue etc according to budget. The guest list comes first; not the other way around.

I do understand why people do B lists (say it's a small venue and your dad wants you to invite great uncle Al. then you don't have room for your friend)..if Uncle Al declines your good friend gets to come.

I do think B lists are rude..if there is not enough room, then choose a different venue..or scale down the budget in other ways. But if you must do a B list have two different RSVPs as others mentioned..but it's hard to pull off since a lot of times people rsvp at the last minute or not at all..then you end up sending so and so an invitation a week before the 2nd rsvp date--so it becomes obvious..you really need I'd say a month between rsvps if you don't want to make it obvious.

Some venues have a minimum guest # you must pay..in that case I do understand the B list..if you ar going to pay for a meal you might as well have someone eat it. But again I'd choose a different venue if they made me have a minimum.

I personally find the B lists rude, either save enough to invite everyone close to you or accept the fact they may not be there.

Granted that may not be everyone's situation so I do agree that they can be handled in such a manner as to not come across the wrong way. But it seems like an awful lot of work and "secrecy". It was so much of a pain that I dismissed it all together and just invited who I wanted to share in our day. Granted it increased our guest list by 70 people but I feel better about it.

I understand why Judith Martin says what she says. But indeed, if you know a lot of people, or if you have a large family, you will be culling your list. We would happily have invited an additional 50 people; people we love and would have been thrilled to have with us. Deciding on the list before the budget is unrealistic.

I have EIGHT siblings, five of whom are married, four of whom have kids. I had several relatives I would have loved to invite, but did not.

If you choose to do a B List, keep in mind that your "yes" RSVPs will tend to arrive first. You get the "no"s late, and nos are more likely than yeses to be the ones you have to chase down. Early invitations from your B list will be fewer than you'd like.

I'm still deciding this for myself.

If you're going to do a B list, then don't make it obvious. Send out your invites with PLENTY of time for people to decline and therefore ANOTHER invitation can be sent out to the B list.

Keep it ORGANIZED and you may just get by without anyone noticing.

I saw someone else post about this and bookmarked it. Here is what it said and I thought it made sense.

Your “B” list RSVP can be around 7 - 9 days before your head count is due. You would like the B-list to have 2.5 – 3 weeks to respond to the RSVP so it doesn’t feel like a B-list (the mail out date for B-list is RSVP date for A-list) Then count back another 3 – 4 weeks for when you mail out the A-list.

So, if you want a little wiggle room and time to call late replies:

Wedding 7/25

Head count due 7/18

B-list RSVP due 7/7

B-list mailed out 6/14 (or ASAP after a decline)

A-list RSVP 6/10

A-list mailed out 5/15

If you are going to pay for 100 meals, you might as well get 100 guests there, it makes sense to me. I think when it gets rude and uncomfortable is when people in the same social circle are on different lists. So just be sure those on the B-list are not acquaintances of anyone on the A-list.

I too agree with Nafina, if you have a set budget and you pick a venue according to your budget and you have to prioritize your list to make sure the most important people in your life are invited. I had someone go on and on how you really have to find a venue that can accommodate all your guests so no one is left out. She went on to tell me how bad she felt because a cousin got married and she was the only one that the cousin invited from her family and how her parents weren't invited. I just turned to her and said "you shouldn't feel bad that your cousin feels so close to you that she chose to include you." She was a little taken aback and then tried to go on again and I just told her "You can only accommodate everyone if you have a big budget or you compromise your wedding and I don't think that is fair or should be expected of the couple." She finally backed off. I

I say send out the invites minus the rsvp. Either slip a printed note for them fo rsvp to your email address or call (text) them a week later and ask them if they received the invite and if they will attend.

Its much more personable and doesnt make it obvious that you "b" listed them.