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Savvy September 2021

Please Excuse me, i really need to vent (long Post)

Melanie, on March 28, 2021 at 8:04 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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I love my mom, I do, she's my mom. She can be one of my closest friends. However, there have always been things that push my buttons. Our relationship isn't perfect. All of my life, my successes have somehow been about her. I get a solo in Choir? Her success. I get the lead in the play? Her success. I graduated with my Bachelor's degree? A reason for her to brag to my family. (But don't tell her anything about your kids, because then she will bad mouth you. Like my cousin being excited her son got into Georgetown. That's awesome! Nope. She was just "Well, she just couldn't WAIT to spout off that news." Really? Taking others' success as your failure is just weird.)
She's also great at nitpicking anything to find a negative detail in anything that isn't about her, but especially about me.
Things have been especially emotional and frustrating in our relationship while planning our wedding. I have an acute attention to detail and planning is actually fun for me, so planning this giant social event for our friends and family, while also making it something true to our relationship and defines us as a couple has actually been inspiring and a happy time.
Yes, 2020 screwed up our timeline for sure, forcing us to postpone an entire year, and we still may have some covid protocols in place in September. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this vaccine rollout goes quickly and gets things back to some semblance of normal by then.
Back to my mother. Let's start at the beginning. When we got engaged (while on vacation in FL), she was my first call. Then I called my MOH. Then I called my brother. My mom had already told him. And my grandparents. And all her brothers and sister. And some work friends (We worked in the same place). It kinda took the wind out of my sails that I wasn't able to tell my family great news, that instead, as has happened my whole life, she took my success and made it hers.
We chose to go back to Universal Orlando for our wedding. She told me almost immediately that she didn't know if she and my dad could make it happen since that would be an exponential cost (Remember, they are not contributing to the wedding at all. Have not offered a thing. We are paying ourselves and are ok with that.) So, my fiance offered to pay for their flight to help them out and have them at the wedding. Then a couple of weeks later, she tells me they're planning a FIVE DAY DISNEY WORLD TRIP after the wedding. Like what?! Money would be tight and you didn't know if you could make it to my wedding, but now that we are paying for your flight, you can afford a several thousand dollar Disney trip?!
Nope. My fiance and I discussed it and decided we would pay for the flight down but not the flight back. The monumental meltdown that happened when I told them could make even the most dramatic reality star speechless. I was and I quote "an ungrateful brat who is being selfish after everything done for me, they deserve this, I am trying to take their Disney trip away because I am jealous." We stuck to it, and when we had to postpone a year, told them they could pay for their own flight since they had an extra year to save up. That one went over better, but I believe my dad was a large part of that.
What I want is a supportive mother who can build me up, help me when I need it, and be there to understand, not constantly find things to make it about herself or negativity.
Our colors (royal purple, silver, black and white) are "too dark" for a FL wedding. Also, her wedding colors were gray and lavender and I cannot tell you how many times I am told that I am copying her wedding.
My dress that I think is absolutely stunning? A "bold choice", a "risque neckline". She really wanted to go to the dress fitting. Not once was I told I look beautiful or pretty. Nothing.
There is a whole family in our wedding party: The best man, a bridesmaid, and their daughter is the flower girl. When my mom saw a picture of the flower girl (who we consider our niece) she goes, "She's an interesting-looking child." Who says that?!
Our wedding invitations were recently shipped and guests are getting them. I gave my parents theirs early. Several guests have texted me to tell me how amazing and detailed they are, and how excited they are for the wedding. My mom? "The older people are gonna need a magnifying glass to read all this tiny lettering". Not these look really cool, or this is totally you (They are Harry Potter themed, looks like the Marauder's Map). Just the negative nitpicking.
When it comes to HER dress for the big day, ohmygod. When she first told me the colors she was thinking of wearing, I wanted to scream. Lavender (which is ok, it will complement the purple of the bridesmaids) or white. WHITE. to a WEDDING. Where her daughter is the BRIDE. I looked at her like she was nuts and said lavender was fine but she can't wear white. She got all defensive and said since my dress isn't white (it's a pastel rainbow of colors, but still a very bridal dress) she should get to. Like, that is Wedding 101: NEVER wear white to a wedding unless specifically told to by the bride.
She finally gave up that fight. I suspect she told her family about it and they took my side. She has sent me numerous dress options. She decided to use the site I told my bridesmaids they could pick their dress from (floor length, Regency purple, whatever style they want). I asked her to please not use that site just in case because of my girls. I've said ok to at least three options and she still keeps being indecisive. Like at this point, I really do not care. As long as it isn't white or the color of the bridesmaids' dresses, I don't care. Just pick something.
Since we had an extra year to prepare for this, we decided to splurge and buy first-class plane tickets for ourselves, since, yanno, it's our wedding and honeymoon. It also helps with baggage costs since we have so much to get down there. After I had told my mom we had booked, I overheard her tell my Dad "They are flying First Class. Way to throw a whole load of money away right at the start." When I told my bridesmaids they responded "Yes, treat yourself!" and "As you should!" The difference is striking. Why is there jealousy instead of support?
Of course, when they booked their flight, she chose the SAME flight we are on and upgraded to Business Class, which costs a couple hundred more dollars than Main Cabin. But, yanno, we wasted money by treating ourselves to First Class for our wedding/honeymoon. *sigh*
This brings me to today. She asked for the links to the clothes my dad should get (same as groomsmen). I get the links off my phone and upon checking one, the freaking shirt color has been changed. Same name, Regency, but the color is no longer purple. Balls. So I call FH and ask what he wants to do. He's not sure, so I do a bit of googling. I show him the idea that the groomsmen can wear a white linen shirt instead of purple, gray pants, and no vest. Instead, FH will be the only one who wears a gray vest so he is differentiated from the crowd. All fixed. I send him the new links for his guys and email my mom the links.
Then my mom asks what kind of sandals my dad should wear. I have literally stated SEVERAL times at this point that FH doesn't care what kind of sandals the groomsmen are wearing and he really doesn't care what my father wears either. I have said again and again, whatever shoes he is comfortable wearing. She keeps pushing this like it will change. We don't care. Whatever he wants. She still pushes.Mom: Flip flops? Sandals?Me: I told you, we don't care. Whatever he wants on his feet.Mom: Well, what is FH wearing?Me: I don't know, he hasn't decided yet. Sandals, like I've said. Mom: If they aren't wearing vests, how will the boutonnieres stay on?Me: They're small paper roses, it's fine.Mom: Are they open roses or buds? They could be heavy.Me: *getting annoyed* They're book page paper, they're fine. Mom: Well, you don't know that. You don't know much of anything about your wedding, do you?Me: Excuse you? Mom: You're always saying 'I don't know' to all my questions. You shouldn't be so unprepared. Me: Ok, you need to stop. You're wrong and you're pissing me off. Stop talking. Mom: Whatever *walks away*
I just...ugh. No, when you asked me what time the rehearsal dinner was NINE months before the wedding, I didn't know. No, I don't know when the bridal shower is as the MOH and her mom are planning it. Her mom is your sister, ask her. I don't care what your dress is, just not white or Regency purple. At this point, if she decides to get a ball gown and upstage me, I don't care. It's gonna be negative attention and won't detract from my shine. Neither one of us care what sandals the guys wear, or what shoes the girls wear (they decided themselves to be barefoot for the ceremony and nude or silver shoes for the reception). I am NOT unprepared because I am not controlling every single tiny aspect of this wedding. In five years, do you think we will care what shoes the guys were wearing? NO. Does anyone care what the parents of the Bride are wearing? NO. People care about the food, drinks, if they had fun and the bride's dress. That's about it. I refuse to be some psychopath trying to control every single minutia of that day. Some things just aren't that important.
Whenever she talks about this trip to FL, it's literally "our Disney trip", not our trip to see our daughter get married. It kind of hurts that my parents are so much more excited for their "swan song trip" (her words) to Disney, and that my wedding is just a road bump they have to take to get there. We are having a Day at the Universal Parks with our wedding party and anyone else who wants to go to Universal the day after the wedding. My parents decided they would rather leave early and start their Disney trip that day. We are going down on Thur (the wedding is Sat) to hang out at the parks, just us before all the craziness. Originally, my parents wanted to get together for lunch that day since they are coming down that day as well. Yeah, that went out the window about a week ago, and instead they're literally checking into their Universal hotel and Ubering to Disney for an extra day rather than spend time with us.
Sometimes, I feel like maybe I am being too harsh on her. My fiance believes that she has an inflated sense of self-importance about the wedding and he is just as annoyed by these shenanigans as I am. Which makes me feel that perhaps I am justified in my feelings. Still, I really felt the need to get all of this out there somewhere where there may be others who feel my pain, at least in some aspect. I'm not really looking for advice, just wanted to get it all off my chest. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Tyler C., on April 20, 2021 at 9:53 PM

Super May 2019
KYLIE · on March 28, 2021 at 8:18 PM
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All I can say is I would reevaluate my standards for closest friends if someone I granted that title treated me like that. That’s who she is and she will never change. The healthiest thing you can do is distance yourself from her emotionally so she can’t hurt you. My father was the same way—any compliment anyone paid me or anything achievement I had was because of him. It was so, so destructive to my mental health and I don’t want you to have to go down that path.

On a different note, we almost got married at Universal too!! After a site visit, we didn’t love the customer service at Royal Pacific and HATED the backup rain location so we switched to another location in Orlando but I still get wistful thinking about how fun a Universal bachelorette would have been and how much we would have loved an after party on City Walk!!
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 28, 2021 at 9:29 PM
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Vent bride! Vent! It’s a difficult relationship to be in. The best advice I could give to you would be to just stay focused on yourself and your SO and don’t forget that this day is about the both of you! No one else!
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on March 29, 2021 at 5:50 AM
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You and FH sound like a solid couple. It is draining to have parents act this way. All a child wants is their parents' love. It is so hard when parents can't be happy for their children.

Years ago my Mom had a similar attitude. She would make me feel guilty or not good enough. There are 3 specific moments when I have had to set things right. The 3rd was the last straw. She went too far. I told her very out right that if she didn't stop acting this way and even consider for one second how I feel and reevaluate how she was treating me, then she would never hear from me again. She woke up. Today we are best friends. While she can go overboard once and awhile, it never gets out of hand.
Perhaps you will need to go this route. Firmly tell them that they are hurting you and your relationship. You will always love them, but you cannot have an unhealthy relationship with them anymore. Sending many hugs your way.
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Devoted October 2021
Gabby · on March 29, 2021 at 6:56 AM
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She sounds toxic and she desperately needs therapy i think.
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Savvy June 2021
Angela · on April 20, 2021 at 2:57 PM
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Hmm you and me should be venting buddies because this is the kind of petty bs my mom is pulling right now.
2 years into our relationship (before we got engaged), my mom writes me an email (wtf we live 20 minutes away from each other or you could call me?) with all of the qualities she wants for my future husband to have and highlights all the ways my then boyfriend didn't live up to her expectations. Needless to say, he didn't get her blessing.
A few weeks later when he proposed, she refused to look at my ring that took him 4 months to custom design with my birthstone and find a jeweler willing to work with 24k gold because I have a severe metal allergy (like can't even wear jeans that have a metal button). She screened my calls and ignored my texts for a few weeks. Then would respond with the stipulation that she "wasn't ready to talk about anything wedding related". Meanwhile my wedding is 6 months away and I gotta find a dress so I make an appointment with the intention of trying on a few styles, getting a feel for my general size, etc. She's a nurse and works 12 hr shifts so I find a day that she isn't working and invite her along. She says yes, but then the morning of, her work calls and says they're short staffed, would she want to pick up a shift. She takes it! I'm sad that she cancelled on me and to me it feels like she doesn't want to be involved. Anyways, one of the dresses I try on fits like a dream and it's in my price range. I fall in love. I rush order it (still barely going to get it 3 weeks before the wedding) and she's FURIOUS that I robbed her of her one opportunity to see her only daughter try on wedding dresses. I pay for the dress myself with money I earned from my full time job after putting myself through grad school debt free. She tells me she has a wedding fund for me that she has been saving up for but that she won't be giving it to me. This was the first act of vengeance in what will forever be known as the dress wars. Next act: MOB dress. With a super patchwork family/divorce/remarriage/widows/etc. I'm having parents and grandparents in the processional walk down the aisle with their current partner and I'm walking myself down the aisle (I've been living out of the house and financially independent since 16). I offer to go dress shopping with her just to keep her company. She says no. Ok whatever. I do need to see the color of the dress though because everyone in the processional is going to get a corsage that matches their dress. She comes home with the most hideous (off-white) dress I've ever seen in my entire life. She's gorgeous, tall, thin, blonde hair, blue eyes, model vibes. I didn't realize anything could look bad on her. Instead of telling her it's gross, I just say that the color really close to white, and my dress will be ivory. I think we can find something that highlights how absolutely gorgeous she is and is in a different color. At first she refuses but eventually returns it and decides to go shopping again. Only now she's refusing to show me a picture or anything of this dress. No color. No fit. Nothing. I give her a few weeks to cool off and ask really nicely again like "I'm super excited to see what you picked out!" She says no. When I asked her why she freaked out and said "I'm an adult! I can dress myself! You're being a brideszilla and trying to micromanage me. If the reason you want to see my dress is for the corsage and processional; fine I'd rather not be in it than show you my dress." Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I had hopes of my mom being this supportive rock throughout wedding planning and helping me get ready. We were really close before this whole thing. Now she is the source of my stress. Mostly I just feel bad for my future in laws who are the only ones contributing towards the cost, wedding planning decisions, and providing both of us emotional/stress support.
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