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Kyra
Just Said Yes April 2022

Please help! Aita? Brother Being Nasty About Plus One

Kyra, on March 29, 2021 at 5:06 PM

Posted in Family and Relationships 46

Polite Opinions Welcome: My younger brother (21) and I (23) are very close and he is set to be the officiant for my FH and I’s wedding in almost a year. We are getting married at a bed and breakfast and it is a destination wedding for us. We recently let him know, when he started asking about the...

Polite Opinions Welcome:


My younger brother (21) and I (23) are very close and he is set to be the officiant for my FH and I’s wedding in almost a year. We are getting married at a bed and breakfast and it is a destination wedding for us. We recently let him know, when he started asking about the property, that he and his girlfriend would be “couch surfers” so we can make sure to accommodate married couples and older people. His response was very crude but essentially revolved around him wanting more privacy because he had plans for them to have “fun”. AITA for getting upset when I told him that wouldn’t be the priority he gave me an ultimatum on staying on the property that we reserved for only immediate family?


To provide a little more background: we are not inviting any other boyfriends or girlfriends (of cousins, friends, or etc) because we are wanting things to be pretty small and don’t want strangers there. I like his girlfriend plenty but we aren’t closer than any one else and I just feel really hurt by him being more focused on that than being there for such an important day for his sister.


46 Comments

  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I agree that you chose a property that isn’t appropriate for your guests. Your brother isn’t the problem here. However, since the situation is what it is I’d suggest you put him in a nearby hotel if you are not paying him for the officiant service. It’s the least you can do.
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
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    I agree with the others: you chose an inappropriate property for your guests. Not enough private rooms? That's on you, not your brother. I'd recommend that you provide a hotel room for your brother and his girlfriend nearby, especially because he is your officiant.

  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    Exactly! Not to mention, whether you give him a private room or not, a 21 your old couple is probably going to “have fun” regardless... even if it’s on a pull out bed at a B&B filled with your family. Even more awkward than the older guests (who will undoubtably be up waaaaay earlier than 21-year-olds) waking up your brother and his girlfriend in their pajamas in a public livingroom, would be them getting up in the middle of the night and walking in on them getting busy!
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
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    Given the lack of privacy, I'm curious as to why you selected this property in the first place...

  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    100%! This sounds more like an issue of poor choice of accommodations.
  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Exactly!.... or hearing him ripping his 21 year old farts early in the morning haha
  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    Or perhaps you could “pay” him for his services as your officiant by booking him a room at a nearby hotel
  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    Hahahaha!! tenor.gif

  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    This. If you disrespect and disregard couples because they are not married, he is has every right to be upset and even decline as officiant. Even if he does find his own lodging and choose to attend at all, you have made it clear to him that he isn't good enough, and his girlfriend (and other significant others) especially isn't. Not an ideal way to kick off your marriage.

    You will need to find a new legal officiant as well.

  • Scandalousrandallous
    Devoted July 2023
    Scandalousrandallous ·
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    No officiant = no wedding. He should definitely be a priority.

  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    You're in the wrong by not inviting significant others. Boyfriends and girlfriends of gusts aren't optional, and you dismissing them as "strangers" is disrespectful. Also what adult wants to be a "couch surfer"? I'm a bit confused about the whole set-up on the property but I'm leaning towards your brother being in the right
  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    You need to plan accommodations so everyone can be comfortable. I would not want to share a room as a grown perso. Cut down the list for the property. Stop relegating people to the pull out couch.


    Also you are flat out in the wrong about boyfriends and girlfriends, sorry.
  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
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    You are not the asshole. I also think there may be some cultural differences as to how close is too close with family members and close friends. It sounds like perfectly acceptable lodging arrangement to me. You know your friends/family and their comfort level better than we do.


    However, offering to pay for the brother and his girlfriend to have a separate hotel room elsewhere (even a cheap one) might be enough to smooth things over with him. If you are trying to reduce drama with him, that is your easy way out.
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    If I understand this correctly, you're paying for accommodations for all of these people? If so, IMO they should be grateful they have a place to stay and deal with it. If they don't like the provided accomodations, they are free to book a place to stay elsewhere. I don't know where other people are getting the idea that the venue is a problem - I've never had my stay paid for.


    You're not wrong to prioritize older family members. I can see why your brother is frustrated/upset, but I don't think you're in the wrong.
  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    The venue is the issue because it can't comfortably fit everyone. You're absolutely right that people can find their own sleeping arrangements, which is exactly what I would do if I was voluntold that I was sleeping on a pullout couch.
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    Maybe I'm missing something but I wouldn't expect a venue, B&B or not, to fit every guest who's coming to the wedding? It's 44 people, that's a lot to comfortably fit in a B&B.


    She is doing a nice thing by paying for people's accommodations. Complaining about that is what I grew up knowing as "looking a gift horse in the mouth".
    We got our WP two houses to stay in. Some people will have to share beds, stay on air mattresses etc. We did our best to find something that would fit people. Complaint department is on the third floor.
  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    As long as everyone knows what the arrangements are and are given a choice, sure. If you're choosing to accept the gift, then you absolutely have no room to complain. If you were just told that you're sleeping on a pullout and that's the way it is, which is what it sounded like on the original post, then I think he has every right to be upset.
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    No one can make him sleep on a pullout though. I guess that's where we are reading it differently. She told him she had a place for him to stay, and it was a couch. He is complaining about that. The answer if for him to say, that won't work for us so we are going to stay somewhere else (if he even can, at 21). He does not get to demand a different arrangement, but she can't (and isn't) forcing him to stay there.
  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk ·
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    Again, I don't disagree with you. But I don't blame him for being upset either. If my sibling told me other couples were being prioritized over me just because they were married, I'd be pissed too. Especially if I was officiating the wedding. But agreed that this should basically be a non-issue because he can just stay somewhere else.
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    Oh for sure, I can see his frustration. However it does sound like she prioritized the other couples because they were older, not just because they were married.
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