Please help :( future in laws taking $ I've saved for my wedding

Do you live with him? If not, his rent is not you responsibility. I understand combining your income and my FW and I pay bills together, but we are also responsible working adults who own a home together. We both make money and pay our fair share for our home. His parent's finances are really none of your business. How they spend their money, how much money they make, what they commit to financially...none of it is your business. You need to let him figure this out on his own. Your future in laws are not taking money you've saved for the wedding, your fiance is. His bills are his own responsibility.

Sorry if you dont like my answer but honestly, what they choose to spend their money on is none of your business. If they want to spend thousands on model railroads, that's their thing.
And you and FH are adults....you should be able to stand on your own feet. Mom and dad shouldn't be paying your FH's rent. It's up to you and him to take care of yourselves. If you cant afford the wedding you want you can push it back to have more time to save or cut the guest list.

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I do live with him. And the thing is, on every single rental agreement they have PROMISED and co-signed to contribute to his side of rent. I never expected them to. I never asked them to. It IS my business when if I don't pay our full amount of rent I will get evicted. I never agreed to pay their half of bills.

Honestly, this doesn't seem like a FIL problem, it sounds like a FH problem. It's his responsibility to put a roof over his head not yours. And it's not like his parents doing this is a new thing. He should have figured it out a long time ago. It seems his thought process is "eh, FW will just bail me out" which is just not fair to you.

I'd honestly consider some counseling because this is not healthy and is gonig to lead to more problems in the future.

Oh and stop counting on FILs money. The definition of insanity is doing to same thing but expecting a different result...

ETA: saw you guys live together, yeah, def not his parents responsibility to pay your rent. Agree with below. Take your finances into your own hands and delay the wedding until you can afford it.

Honestly if they’ve been doing this for years, I don’t know why you expect them to change now. Just because they say they’ll cover costs obviously doesn’t mean they will according to their own behavior. I wouldn’t be counting on their money for anything.

I wouldn't say anything you need to just continue doing your own thing. Tell them they cannot invite anyone else as you cannot afford it and if they say they will pay, tell them you need the money upfront because the venue requires it and you can't afford it. If they don't give you the money upfront then those other people cannot come.

I also wouldn't count on anymore rent money for them so expect to be paying it yourself if that money has to come out of the wedding budget so be it. Take the money out and push the wedding back until you can afford it there's no shame in doing it alone!

I'm really sorry you are going through all this it must be tough hopefully things will get easier!

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You did if you signed a lease with them. That's a risk that you run when you sign a contract with someone. Your fiance is an adult, his parents shouldn't be paying his rent. If they committed to paying his rent and they aren't, he needs to take it up with them. Again, not your issue. This would be a huge red flag to me. I would look at places that I could afford on my own and let your FH know that you guys can resume living together when he can handle his own finances.

It sounds like when they initially said they would contribute, neither of you should have believed them. It also sounds like going forward, you should assume they aren't going to ever pay any of his bills or anything towards the wedding so you and your fiance need to budget for that. I would plan your wedding with whatever budget you and your fiance can afford, and have your fiance tell them they aren't inviting anyone. There is one guest list, the one you and your fiance make. Don't involve them in planning. Your fiance needs to figure out how to pay his own rent.

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Exactly this. Signing a lease agreement together is locking you both in, and both of you are at fault if it's not paid. Sucks, but either you pay your rent or you get evicted. This is what student loans are for. His parents are not at all responsible for paying for anything and can spend $ on whatever they want - it's none of your business. Figure out a place to live that you can afford on your own. Time to be adults.

What kind of program is he in? If it's a graduate school program, it's a lot easier to get federal student loans than for undergrad, and those can be used for housing. I think that your FH needs to really exhaust all options, because right now it's unfair for you to take on all the burden here. If his program is a top program and he's doing well, then he should expect to be making money when he graduates, enough to pay back his loans on a ten-year schedule, at least.

What they spend their money on is up to them. They aren't obligated to pay for anything. His bills are his responsibility and you are choosing to pay for him instead of letting him pay for himself. I am not exactly sure how they are taking money from you when it is their money? Sounds to me like you and your FH need to have a serious talk about finances and responsibilities before planning a wedding you obviously cannot afford and don't seem to be ready for. Sorry, I know that is not the answer you might want to hear but you did ask for opinions.

Maybe marriage shouldn't be ur focus right now. Maybe put the wedding on hold until he is able to at least take care of himself. Why would u take all this on? Sounds like he is the one using u not his parents.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. This sounds like FH problem. I understand that he is in a rigorous program and doesn't have income but then you two should be working together to live off of your single income. The first year FH and I lived together FH was unemployeed, so I supported both of us. (FH moved across the country with me and the job hunt took longer than either of us expected). But even though I was the primary income provider, FH did what he could to drum up extra money and support me around the house. More importantly he made sure I knew he was grateful for me supporting him. Even with the income imbalance we were a team.

I think you and FH need to have a serious conversation about roles and financial expectations. The fact that your referring to your in-laws as owing you money for taking care of your FH is a red flag to me and something you and your FH need to work through.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this, I wouldn’t be paying for a wedding if you were struggling to afford rent without help from his parents.

But I am sorry that they keep breaking their promises to you guys! If you do decide to have the wedding soon then I would hold firm to not inviting any of their friends..... if they aren’t contributing financially they don’t need to have a say in the guest list

I’m really sorry you are going through this! I can’t even imagine how frustrating and stressful this would be. I think people before may have said it a bit harshly, but I agree with the overall thoughts... as the ones in the relationship and housing, you and your FH should be partners in this. It’s his responsibility to come up with his 1/2 of the rent - whether that’s from his parents or loans, etc. He needs to be the one to step up and talk to his parents, not you. It’s not really your place to have that talk and, most importantly, he shouldn’t put that on you. That’s not being a true partner. If he talks to his parents and they aren’t going to help, you’ll have to have a talk about what all you can afford and how. Will you postpone the wedding so you can fully support you both? Will you move to less expensive housing? Will he take out loans? Can he convince his parents to give him a lump-sum up front for rent and maybe set up a payment plan with them at a more forgivable rate than a bank would? Those are all things you’ll unfortunately have to navigate together. Better to have these kind of financial talks now than after you’re married. Helps understand where you both are and how you handle finances.
and I hope you know I’m not dissing your FH or your relationship with him. My fiancé is insanely afraid of confrontation with his parents, especially about finances. But we got to a point where I told him that I fell in love with a capable man and he needs step up in his dynamic with them and we figured things out as partners. Hope you can do the same! Good luck!!

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I agree with this, as well as PPs. As much as I hated doing it, FH and I had to postpone our wedding as originally planned for August 2019. We just weren't going to have enough money to cover the cost of the wedding we wanted---and we're on a seriously tight budget wedding. I'm not planning anything extravagant. But we still had to postpone, because we needed more time. We had to get our finances in order, and plan more realistically.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree that his parents are wrong to keep promising, and then flaking. But it is FHs problem--yours too since you're on the lease--but he should address this with them, or you should find a more affordable place until FH is in a position to pay for the roof over his head.

This is a tough situation, but I agree with PP's that your FH needs to be the one to step up to the plate and figure this out. Rigorous program or not, he needs a roof over his head and unless you two have agreed you will support him 100% then he needs to figure out a way to pay into the household expenses. It's pretty clear to me that his parents don't want to support paying the rent even though this is what they said, so it is probably best to figure out the real plan that doesn't depend on them. Just because they blow money on model trains doesn't mean that they have to give money to their son... who knows, maybe they are in debt.

View Quoted Comment Yes, sounds like a FH problem to me, too. He is not a kid. When we were both in expensive top schools for our grad schools, (and earlier, undergrad), we paid our own way from working at least part time, whatever did not interfere with classes and internships. Bread and pastries cook at a restaurant 4am to 8 am, overnight ambulance crew, lifeguard, construction. And working long hours during time school not in session. Or at paid work related to our fields. Or both. Why any parent is paying any day to day living bills like rent after age 21 -22, is beyond me, no matter if parents have enough money to own 12 houses. He should be living without parental subsidy, except some tuition as a gift if the offer. If he cannot pick up his share of living costs , then take a year off. But time to grow up, and pay his way in life. Which should include sharing wedding costs with you , or no wedding.3 of my brothers and sisters worked through Medical school and 3 grad and post grad, no need for help from parents. Why is he so helpless in his own support. Unless super high medical costs, or partly disabled, he needs to join the world if adult responsibility while going to school, not expect hand-outs when his parents feel like it, or any time. Self-sufficiency is a primary adult skill. I as an employer would not ever hire a graduating professional, if their work record from anything over age 22 did not show an ability to support themselves, regardless of how they paid for school. Long term planning and responsibility, and often financial management skills for a business or their dept of their professional workplace are important to a professional job. And a summa cum laude, perfect grad school or professional school record, for someone who never demonstrated the ability to handle their own basic finances, would not be enough to hire someone. No matter how perfect your grades or projects, by a certain age, no work history showing you support the basics of adult living, is a deficiency an employer cannot overlook. . . I do feel sorry for you, individually, being the hard working stable adult for the two of you. And he, not parents, should be banking ½ of your wedding budget, however large or small. Why has he not come through, if you have been living together 8 years? You are being taken advantage of, an whatever explanations FI has or arrangements he has made with parents, bottom line is, he has not lived up to his responsibility to YOU. That needs to change before marriage. Good luck to you. Saving and planning for something you want so much, should not be so discouraging. His parents only problem is that they continue to nurse their son 4-8 years after most have been weaned. And make financial promises, knowing they have the money available, but no worry about follow through. And clearly their son is doing the same, to you.

If your FH is working towards making himself better and furthering his education and can’t work while also going to school or this program that is totally understandable. I’ve told my FH after I get my degree he can quit his job and just stay at home. It’s not always the mans job to take care of a house hold. Also if you’re told you’ll get money and things will be paid ..and then you plan on that... and spend that money on other things... to then turn around and be told they won’t pay that’s not fair. It does put you in a bind. Also yes I get it’s their money but it does suck to see them help others and buy lavish things and then leave you when you’re struggling. Have you thought of eloping or a micro wedding? Or telling them they have no say over the guest list and thier extended family and their friends will NOT be there. This is not for them. And I know you don’t want to hurt the relationship but this is normally a time when you have to put your foot down (I’m a people pleaser and this has been hard for me so I understand). I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope this helps a little!

HE needs to have a conversation with his parents and you both need to figure out budgets. Don’t tell them about planning and invite who you want. Don’t even cash their check. They sound sketchy.