Please help. i feel so alone

Why would you propose to someone out of the blue, pick a wedding destination and month, then cancel wedding planning because your partner doesn't want to procreate right away?


You should be getting married because you want to and you're ready for it, not because you're in a rush for a baby. That's just setting yourself up for failure.

He is weaponizing engagement. You're 40 and have 3 kids. It's presumptious for him to assume that you want a baby at all, much less right away. What would he have done if it turned out you couldn't have kids? He also proposed for all the wrong reasons, and should have made sure you were on the first page.
Marriage may just be a piece of paper to him, but engagement is a promise to marry. He broke that promise after getting your hopes up and making plans to go forward. It seems like he's punishing you for not giving him what he wants.
Does he know how you feel? Does he know how important this is to you? If yes, and he doesn't care, then this isn't the man for you. If no, he can't read your mind. If you're afraid to tell him, because you think your honesty will "pressure" him, then you're not ready for marriage anyway. However, I don't understand how he was willing to have a baby with you while not being ready for marriage. A baby is an 18 year commitment.
This tells me he's not ready to commit, and sees marriage as a means to an end to get a baby. Too much immaturity for a 43 year old man. I would not move in with him. I'd take a good, hard look at what you want out of a relationship, and whether you can stay with someone who is fine with disappointing you like this

My love o feel for you , but the key to a good relationship is COMMUNICATION. Regardless of what’s going on YOU have to be honest and let him know how you feel. And if having kids is not his thing that’s just something else to have a conversation about. Did he ever say he wanted kids? Also no disrespect at your (our I’m 54) age you may need to consider that you would be high risk. As for calling off the wedding I would wait until you both have had those serious conversations . Once done and if calling off is the option/answer -let your family and friends know right away. Ive been married before and had my children. With my now second marriage it’s about us enjoying ourselves , traveling enjoying our adult kids . Everyone has their own views on marriage- if he feels marriage is only for procreation and he’s not about having children- then YOU my love must consider if you feel you are settling or you are ok with living together . YOU have a great deal of soul searching … if YOU LOVE ❤️ him then move forward with living your lives together WITHOUT REGRETS!

I agree with Pia, communication is very important during this kind of situation. You really have to be honest with your betrothed so as early as now, you'll hear his honest side.

Hi. I think maybe he realized he wants a child right now. I would talk to him directly, if he wants a child and you don't, your interests are incompatible and therefore if I were you I would not marry him. I think he is uncertain about marrying you or not because he doesn't feel like making such a big commitment with a woman who doesn't want children while he does. Are you sure the mother-in-law is not involved?

Agree with the posts above and also there are cultural differences too. My mom is from Greece and I was def raised with a different upbringing than many of my friends. I would try sitting down and having an open conversation about what you want and allow him to do the same. This not only comes to children, but personal goals, family life, work, etc. I know it may seem embarrassing to call off the wedding right now, but I believe you made the right choice. You’d rather have these tough conversations now rather than later. I wish you both the best and proud of you for taking the time to figure things out.

I agree with others that it seems as though you both are lacking the communication needed to get married. You need to have a solid conversation about children, values, lifestyle, goals, etc. before you can be sure that a person is right for you. Also, if you're afraid of telling him you're upset then how can you be sure that you guys have a wonderful relationship and nothing has gone wrong? Just because you're not communicating your issues with each other doesn't mean they're not there.

It's honestly a good thing to postpone the wedding until you both talk and figure out what you both want and if those wants align. You're not overreacting in being upset about this situation, it's definitely a disappointing thing! However, this may be a blessing in disguise that you weren't suddenly surprised with him wanting a baby after you got married. The marriage could still happen, it just seems as though you both have more work to do to get on the same page. Good luck to you!

Susan, I’m sorry you’re going through this. If I were in your shoes, I would take a step back and reflect on your own first. Marriage has a lot of business-like conversations to be had. Although not romantic, it’s crucial to have these conversations. A few items to communicate through with your fiancé: what are each other’s values, will you have a prenup, expectations if he will or will not discipline your three children, expectations of holidays, if you had a baby who would work/care for baby, etc. Infatuation and love are a blast, but bear in mind marriage is a lifelong commitment with a partner in all facets of life: family, values, financially, spiritually, and day to day living. Good luck to you ❤️

View Quoted Comment I agree, he proposed for all the wrong reasons. He should’ve expressed to me first how important it is for him to have a baby and I would’ve then told him that I am not having anymore. He would’ve saved a lot of money on a ring.
He doesn’t know how I feel as this just happened last night. We said we would talk about it tonight in person. I was wrong by assuming that he knew how I feel about our future. Isn’t that important to every woman? Isn’t that how it goes, you get married? Do people stay boyfriend and girlfriend forever? I’m not understanding his thinking. Only marry if we’re having a baby? That’s wrong. He mentioned that his last divorce costed him a ton of money and why go through that again if marriage wasn’t necessary in the first place. His values and mine are completely off. Thank you Willow for taking the time to write to me. Your words are so helpful. Hugs.

View Quoted Comment Hi Pia. Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it and is helpful to me. I think you misunderstood. He wants a baby. I don’t. I have 3, I am older, I don’t have the energy etc. It’s my:our time to enjoy life, travel and not have those kinds of worries. I assumed he knew that. I should’ve made that crear at the begging of our relationship, that was my mistake. I do love him and I know he loves me. I would not end the relationship but deep in my heart id always think “am I not worthy enough to be his wife?”.

View Quoted Comment Hi Susan! I sure misunderstood hahaha I’m so sorry… I have a friend in the same situation. She’s older than he she has four kids he has no kids he wants kids she’s at a point in her life she’s almost 48 she loves him he loves her but she broke off the relationship because the bottom line is she know she’s worthy he knows she’s worthy but bottom line is he wants his own kids he may love them as his own but he wants his own kids now if your fiancé is struggling with that it will pop up periodically because then he’s going to feel as though he was missing out on something and I’m not going to sat this will happen -but resentment may form . You experience being a mom / parenthood and he May desire the same

View Quoted Comment Thank you Aurora for your words.
He didn’t just realized he wanted a child. He always knew he wanted one. I always knew he wanted one. But we talked about kids at our age and how difficult it would be to have a child now and he always agrees. So I thought that was settled. Now he lays this on me. After proposing. So I’m so confused. He insists that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but doesn’t see marriage as necessary if we’re not going to have kids. He mentioned he still wants me to move in with him and for everything to stay the same, the only difference is that we won’t have that piece of paper.
I don’t believe his mother is involved in this. In fact, if she knew about this she would probably not side with him. She has always expressed to me how much she loves me for making his son so happy. But I do know a grandchild would make her so happy.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much Meghan. Xo.
We will sit down and talk about all of this tonight, and I will tell him all about my values and how I do feel marriage is important, and I will hear his.

View Quoted Comment Yea that is my fear... that he will resent me 🥺. All I keep thinking is... How bad would it be if I give him a baby and god forbid we got divorced/break up and here I am a single mother yet again. And all because I gave him the baby he wanted. I know life is about taking chances, especially when it’s worth it, but I have struggled a great deal being a single mom of three to the point that it has been traumatizing. I am now at a point my life where I can actually enjoy what that the world has to offer. I do well for myself, I travel, my kids are grown, and I can enjoy my relationship... but now I am faced with this problem. Thank you again.

View Quoted Comment Susan it it NOT SELFISH to think of yourself. If I have it correct you don’t live with him ??? You are NOT married yet if it answer is/was YES to both then these sacrifices are made. You are one union and compromise must then be looked at and considered but until then you are not OBLIGATED! In addition you must consider your age and bring at risk of preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, postpartum hemorrhage, hypertension, fertility issues , miscarriages, birth defects , this is not to scare you but to inform you. Your health is paramount over anyone wanted you to have children. I’m 54 this year and I’m about traveling and ENJOYING my new husband. I hope I didn’t scare you but gave you important issues to REALLY think about. Ask him will it truly bother him if you don’t share a child. Express to him your concerns and fears and how you envision you future with him. Really observe his facial expressions and you’ll get your answers. God bless

View Quoted Comment I asked you if the mother-in-law was involved because as an Italian living in Italy I know what the values and ideals of southern families are and how conservative they are. I think it is also a cultural issue because my American fiancé and I have very different views on marriage. I think if he knew you didn't want to give him a child, he really made a mistake proposing without thinking about it and I understand how frustrating this situation is for you. I really hope you can work it out and have the marriage you want.

View Quoted Comment Hi Jessi. Thank you for taking your time to write to me.
I am not afraid of telling him I’m upset. I’m afraid that he would want to go forward with the marriage just so that I am not upset. And that is not the right reason to marry someone. But having a baby it’s also not the right reason to marry someone. He keeps saying, “if we’re not having a baby then whats the rush to get married”. But I didn’t know that getting married in September 2022 was a rush. I don’t know. He also mentioned that his divorced costed him so much money “so what’s the point of getting married in the first place if we’re not gonna have kids”. Our values are off and I agree, we have to discuss our values, goals, lifestyle etc. We will lay it all out on the table tonight. Thanks again Jessi. Xx

View Quoted Comment Thank you Pia. I’m so appreciative of your words and the time you take to write me. Hugs.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much Aurora.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this and feel alone in the process I think you have every right to be upset, I would be too. Kids and marriage are two very big life changing decisions that a couple needs to agree on to sustain the relationship. If one wants kids and the other doesn't, that can be a big deal breaker. If one wants marriage and the other doesn't see the point, that can also end a relationship. I think oftentimes men don't understand the need for marriage when women so desperately want it, at least from what I've seen/heard. I think you two just need to have very open, honest conversation. Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel and think and what you really want!!! In my case, my husband can't read my mind and I've had to tell him exactly what's on my mind. He may just not understand why marriage is so important to you, especially if you've both had marriages that didn't work out. Sit down and have a conversation with him, judgement aside, being completely vulnerable and honest. Tell him you want to be married, but you don't want a wedding because he feels obligated. I'm sure once you have a conversation things will work out for the best!

I'm not sure I'll have anything new to offer, but I wanted to tell you I'm sorry you're going through this! I think having an in-person conversation is a great idea. Maybe once he understands that for you marriage isn't just for having children, he may want to go through with the wedding but with a new perspective. You're most definitely worthy of being with him because you both love each other. If he does understand your perspective and agrees that he'd rather be with you and make this commitment than have kids, then you have to accept his choice and not question yourself and your worth. (This is a conversation I have with myself, too. My fiance is great with kids, but I'm not sure I want them. He's told me he's okay with it, but I struggle with doubt that he'll change his mind eventually. I'm working on believing him when he says he is okay with my choice and knowing that we love each other and can make our own decisions.)

I hope that you get some clarity in your relationship and have the outcome (and wedding) you want!