Private ceremony- inviting people to “shower” but not wedding! please Help!

Maybe just say something about gifts not being a necessity and that you’d just like to have a time to celebrate with loved ones.
Or, you could forgo saying anything about gifts and just let people do what people like to do! More than likely people will buy you gifts anyway

View Quoted Comment That’s what I thought! Just not say anything about gifts. I’m mainly just not sure how to word the whole “hey come to my shower but not my wedding” part lol. My FMIL is 72 and is refusing to invite any of her friends and ONLY her sisters because me even having a shower is rude 😞 this has been the biggest stress so far!

It would be rude to invite people to a shower that aren’t invited to the wedding. If the host insists on inviting them then that would reflect poorly on them and not you.

View Quoted Comment Have you tried talking to FMIL about your wanting a smaller ceremony?
also, technically the bride shouldn’t throw the shower herself. Someone should throw it for you which should help with the guest list fiasco too

She knows we’re having a small ceremony and reception.

And I’m not throwing it myself, but I didn’t want to design my own invitations 😂

ive been told as long as I make it clear that they aren’t invited to the wedding, then it’s okay. I know it used to be taboo to invite to the shower and not the wedding, but focusing on the get together and celebrating more than anything is okay.

View Quoted Comment I agree.

I totally understand you wanting to unite more of the families though. What about a cake & punch reception a month or so after your wedding?

View Quoted Comment I thought about that too! I’ve never known anyone that’s done that tho so I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing to do.. think that would be better?! I feel like I’d be way more comfortable with that!

View Quoted Comment

To me, any gathering before the wedding (showers, engagement parties, etc.) that is a direct celebration of your soon-to-be marriage should include those that are invited to the ceremony. So, I think this idea is better to have a casual celebration after the big day. Are you going to have a small reception for your guests following your ceremony?

Yes we will have a reception at the same place as the ceremony. It only holds about 60 people max. And with it being on a Monday, we figured a lot of people that are invited won’t come too.

I did find this online with a wording suggestion. It’s a start, but I’m not too in love with it. I guess I should also state- I have a lot of health issues and that’s the main reason we’re doing so small. And I’ve asked many family members and friends on both sides how they feel about an invite to the shower and not the wedding and they definitely want to come to the shower. They said they’d be more offended if they knew I had a shower and didn’t include them.

So the main thing I’m looking for is - what’s a cute, respectful way to say most people invited to the shower won’t be invited to the wedding. Honestly most people know this already, but I just wanted to add a little reminder.

A shower by definition is about gifts. 50 is small, but not family only wedding. Don't call it a shower, call it an open house or whatever. Don't register. If you call this a shower, you risk getting off on the wrong foot with people.

ETA -- either set of parents can have a party to meet the new relative. Just do not call it a shower.

This is what we came up with so far for the back of the invitation

View Quoted Comment 50 people isn’t immediate family only though. Immediate family is parents and siblings, and sometimes can extend to grandparents. I guess this is a know your crowd thing, but my family would take great offense in being included in a shower but excluded from a wedding.

Maybe consider not putting anything about registry on the invite, just a link to a site, with maybe pictures of the wedding, information about you and DH (since the other side of the family does not know one of you) and there the registry information

View Quoted Comment

Yup! Many people have small weddings then a larger local reception later (a week up to 3 months month later may be great timing for you depending on your honeymoon). Maybe something like:

You're invited to a Smith-Jones "I do" BBQ. Congratulating the newlyweds Kayla & SPOUSE while bringing two families together over food."

You can wear wedding shower attire if you wish or wear your wedding attire if not a lot more formal than the event. (Doesn't have to be a catered BBQ. Just an idea. Could be "Smith-Jones cake & punch reception.")

You know, one of the few wedding "rules" I agree with is not inviting people to your shower that aren't invited to your wedding. If you'd like to have a shower, you should, but it might be better to keep it small & intimate and just invite the women closest to you that are also invited to the wedding. In that case, I think it's fine to simply list a registry on the invite.

I agree with the other posters to just call it something else if you'd like to have a celebration with more people. I'd probably keep the invitation simple. You could something like "please join us for xxx to celebrate so and so's a marriage that occurred with an intimate ceremony on M/DD/YY". Then say something like "for more information and details regarding the event please visit this website" and then make a website giving detail like dress code, directions to the venue, explaining in more detail the small wedding thing, and linking to a registry.