Private First Meal - Is it rude???

With respect, your mom is wrong. It’s YOUR day and if you need a break before you greet your guests then take one. Nobody who is truly there to support you will be offended. Your guests should come to support you, not to have you entertain them. Tell your mom thank you for the advice but make final decisions with your partner and structure your day in whatever way is right for you.

It’s def not rude! My planner said to me that it’s our day to do what you want for ourselves. I noticed some saying “people have traveled, rented hotel rooms, blah blah..to celebrate you both getting married”. You and your fiancé paid a pretty penny for them to have an event to attend.


Our married friends have said similar things of “the whole day just flew by and we didn’t get a lot of time together”. So we’re doing a private 1st dance while guests are at cocktail hour and having a private first meal as newlyweds while guests transition into siting for dinner. We’ll be eating ahead of everyone, so we’ll be with guests towards the middle of them eating. Our goal is to take as much time with each other that we can on our wedding day while also celebrating with family and friends. No wedding is the same. Out dated etiquette rules don’t take precedence to making your wedding feel sentimental and memorable for you both. Do what you want and not what you think people expect from you.

Correction corner: I missed the part that your parents are paying for most of it. Regardless of who’s paying, do what you know is gonna be best for you. Take the breather and enjoy your first dinner together.

It think it would be okay say, if you had the ceremony around noonish and you grabbed lunch with your new husband after photographs but before cocktail hour/dinner. I think it would be a good idea to eat something before hand so you are less likely to scarf down dinner because you are starving because you didn't eat lunch. I do think you should eat dinner though with them though since they want to see you

One idea that was brought up to me by my wedding planner was to have your DJ or MC announce dinner, and to let you and your husband enjoy dinner before the party begins and/or the pictures by each table.

This way, everyone knows that you want to spend time with your guests, but you don't want to be hangry either...no one likes hangry.

I am personally doing an extended cocktail hour just to have more time for photographs, and get a few bites in before dinner!

One bride posting here mentioned about the day-of coordinator setting up a spot for the couple to dine privately for a short period of time in the middle of the reception. The big thing for us would be to have a chance to eat a bit. I agree that the main goal of the reception is to be with the guests while trying to enjoy the event a bit (such as by eating some of the food haha). But you will have your spouse after the event too, so the time spent together at the reception is not the main task. But a friend mentioned to enjoy the event, not just get carried away by all the activity.

Quite honestly I love the idea of a little private mill between you two I think it’s lovely. There’s something about sharing the moment with just you too and maybe it doesn’t have to be a full meal but maybe you can just be just a private champagne, toast and some appetizers other than that I think it’s a great idea.

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To me, this is the bottom line. Sure, "it's your day" and all that, but if you plan a full reception with guests, the spirit of the day is to celebrate with everyone. Thinking of guests as the enemy only wanting to monopolize your time conflicts with the whole point of getting married and celebrating with loved ones.

Most weddings include time for photos that doesn't involve all the guests, and everyone understands that. But to separate yourself for photos *and* for dinner seems like a bad idea.

For the record, I am another one who had no trouble finding time to eat and socializing with all of my guests.

View Quoted Comment Outside of the movies, this almost never happens. If you don’t want to socialize with guests, don’t invite them. But it does come across as royalty too good to eat at the same time in the same room as the peasants.


Guests understand and respect the couple taking pictures. That doesn’t involve the couple hiding away from their guests for a long period to eat and drink. Many photographers are encouraging all pictures to be taken before the ceremony to make sure that the couple is separated as little as possible from their guests. From a guest perspective and a recently married, that is the way to go. Not hiding because you don’t want to be with your guests. Socially awkward/anxious people deal with it the same way, by limiting the guest list to their must haves and staying in the company of guests.


If someone is unable to attach the reception, they need to let the couple know immediately so that they don’t count them for the caterer. Because that is where the bulk of the costs are. It’s pretty rare to skip the reception because it is seen as a faux pas.

Go for it! It's your day!! It's all about you & your partner--and NO ONE ELSE!

Well in a away I think it is rude but begin only married 2months, I can kind of understand why you are asking this. We did get a chance to really eat at all a few bites if any then went to cut the cake only had that bite once we fed it to each other that's about it. But I we would have missed alot of our guests who could not stay for the reception. And then my mother in law had to leave early to get back to home for her medicines at a certain. So we would have missed alot of photos with certain guests and family members if we did have went off for 30 mins. But I really think that you all should just put in the accounments that for no one to come and disturb the couple let them eat. But its really up to you both Congratulations to you both

I just got married yesterday and I can firmly say: IT ISN’T RUDE!!!


Our planner made a HUGE deal out of us getting a bit of couple time together (also with some food and a drink since she knew we hadn’t eaten or drank anything for almost 3 hours by then).
Your family/friends will understand. They will likely be more than happy to have time to talk amongst each other. You need your time too!

Aw snapples, husband gave some extra input that also made sense. Perhaps don’t do a complete first meal together but work in 20 or so minutes to just spend time together (with food and drink).


Take the time to go to the bathroom and get off your feet for a bit. Coming from an ex-theater kid and someone who did some performing too, use this time to “get all your farts and burps out” (excuse the crassness, but it’s true). Our break came during cocktail hour before our reception. Relax a bit before having to do some toasts and speeches. Look at your newly minted spouse and be appreciative.
It did wonders for us to just take a bit of edge off our nerves. Good luck figuring it out and congrats!

I've been going to weddings all my adult life and they all had one thing in common: after the church ceremony, and during the cocktail hour, the bridal couple and wedding party had their photos taken, then went to a "bridal room" in the venue to have champagne and hors d'oeuvres. They then were formally introduced into the main room before dinner was served, first the bridal party, then the MOH and BM, then the bride and groom who then had their first dance. They then took their places on the dais and dinner was served. After they'd eaten, they then mingled with the guests until after the cake was cut. Then there was the tossing of the bouquet and garter. After all those photos were taken, the bridal couple disappeared. If your format includes guests at the cocktail hour that you might not see later on, then, yes, I think you should mingle then, but I don't see any reason why you and your new hubby shouldn't have up to 30 minutes of private time, with food and drink. My wedding "reception" was in the church hall after the ceremony; it included champagne, hors d'oeuvres, coffee and wedding cake. There was a family wedding dinner at an elegant restaurant later that evening. Hubby and I never got anything to eat until dinner. And no private time until we arrived at the hotel. Also, I think having a "Sweetheart Table" of your own during the dinner is a great idea and I'm sure the wait staff will serve you first and hopefully your MOH and/or BM will try to keep guests away while you eat.

I feel for you. I'm also an introverted bride (very). My friends are surprised that I'm even having a wedding, but it's important to my fiancé so I decided I would just have to do things differently. At the same time, there are social expectations and the question you're asking resonates with me because I understand the stress of trying to balance between my (quiet) needs and the needs of my extroverted fiancé and guests who expect a jam-packed event...more is more sort of thing. Luckily, I've always been very open about my needs for space and quiet and we've invited an small number of guests, all know me well enough to know that if I disappear, nothing is wrong, I'm just recharging and l'll happily be back out to socialize again soon.

Where this landed us is we added an extra hour to our original timeline which allowed us to stretch out our cocktail hour to cocktail hour-and-a-half. It also allows me to have a few breaks during the event, including immediately after the ceremony where our caterer will have set up some cocktails and snacks for us which we can enjoy privately for about 10-15 minutes, while our photographer sets up for formal photos, so no time is lost here. Then to make sure our guests are not too bored while waiting for us, we hired a roaming magician to get the mingling started and we will join when we're ready.

For our dinner, we are doing a sweetheart table between 2 rows of banquet tables (like a disconnected U shape) so that we have some dining privacy but still feel available and present with our guests. Our dinner is family style which we chose because we think guests will stay seated most of the time, equating to less interruptions. And I scheduled another 10 min break for myself between dinner and dancing. After that I plan on drinking so I don't think I will care too much about breaks anymore.

You mentioned that your parents are paying for most of it, so perhaps you feel some obligation to meet their expectations/traditions. In the end, the best advice given to me was not to think of myself on the day of, but to think of myself 20 years from now looking back. What will you remember? what will you regret if anything? For me, not taking the time to communicate and plan my needs so that I can be my best (and therefore present) would be a major regret. If that resonates with you, then do whatever you need to feel your best...if that's a private dinner so that you can be a high energy social mingling queen on your special day, then so be it. Just keep an open line of communication with those who love you and prioritize yourself. It's your day, your parents already had theirs.

I don't think it's rude, I think most people understand that you need a moment to catch up with yourselves. Maybe try and meet in the middle and arrange for a brief snack and change of clothes if that is your plan, (blame it on a costume change!) and set aside enough time to get some food in your system, hydrate, get lost in kisses, and just laugh and breathe together for a few moments before facing the guests. Keep it to 15 minutes, 20 max. If people get disgruntled, let them. So many brides (and grooms) end up with little or nothing to eat at all by the end of the night. Give yourselves a moment, just keep it to a minimum.

If you are not doing a first look, it's very common to use part of the cocktail hour for photos. We had sandwiches and snacks in the bridal room and sent to the groom and groomsmen as well so no one was hungry that soon. Personally, I did not want to skip the cocktail hour. Our venue was and is known for their food and cocktail hour was a real highlight of the reception. We managed to sample a few things, while taking the opportunity to greet people. If you don't want to do a receiving line, you need to greet every guest at some point and this is also a great opportunity for that. I don't really get the need not to be seen until a grand entrance when people have just seen you and a whole ceremony. You can still do an entrance after guests are all seated.

A few private minutes and some refreshments are a lovely idea, but I agree with your Mom and would not advise isolating apart from guests to eat a whole dinner on your own. We ate when everyone else was eating and still managed to get around to all the tables during the course of the reception.

If a sweetheart table works for you that's wonderful, but personally, I'm not really a big fan. We just put ourselves at a slightly larger table of friends so that when we left to greet guests at various times it wasn't too empty. It also gave us more time with people who had traveled a long way. I really don't find that most people interrupt the couple when they are eating or in general. Other than at the end when people come up to say their goodbyes, the expectation is more that the couple will find time to greet you when they can.

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Hi! Coordinator here! Whether or not there's a private meal, I encourage EVERY couple to take at least 10, preferably 20 minutes after photos are done to rest up and refresh themselves for the reception (a wedding day is a marathon). Beyond that, you just got MARRIED! Take some time to just enjoy those feelings with your new spouse! Private meals are becoming increasingly common, and usually happen after photos are done during happy hour. Private meal or not, I've rarely seen couples mingle during happy hours (they're usually busy taking photos and using whatever remaining time there is to rest). Your caterers can absolutely have plates brought to you and you can eat during this time, then do a grand entrance, first dance, buffet opens, and you can visit your guests table to table while they're eating or waiting for their table to be dismissed. I have NEVER seen a guest comment they are "commoners" or anything rude about it, it's likely they'll just assume you're still taking photos and will be there soon. They don't have the timeline! They will have plenty of time to see you and congratulate you over the next however-many hours of the reception.

I know you've gotten lots of answers so far, but taking it from someone who just experienced this at a friends wedding October of last year... the couple disappeared during dinner and a lot of us were done already wondering where they were. Not to interrupt them, but it seemed as if their dinner lasted a lot longer then most of ours. So a lot of us were left to sit there with not a lot going on.. they had a live band so it did get awkward a couple times because it was just silent. My fiance and I both didn't really like this but we could see that some people may want to. Personally, were having the wedding for us AND our friends and family were choosing to have there. We love hosting, and I can be introverted as well. But I will have lots of private dinners with my husband. Someone else mentioned having their coordinator be polite about ushering people away while ya'll are eating, but we're also considering having our entire bridal party at the head table with us. So do with that as you wish!

This is very common in traditional Jewish weddings called a yichud. You have the time to yourself after the ceremony and pictures. You choose what to do during this time which could include having a meal. The guests would be in the reception hall beginning the festivities and then you come in after you are ready. I wouldn't find it rude if I as a guest am allowed to start dancing, eating, and/or drinking while you are gone. Whatever you choose make sure to take care of yourself which can include breaks to just be or to eat!