Problems with parents paying for the wedding

Situations like what you’re describing is actually why we refused financial help for our wedding. My dad’s side of the family is terrible. My grandmother on that side regularly berated me as a child for everything while praising my male cousins for anything they did. Two of my uncles are alcoholics who have gotten physical with their adult children in front of me. I knew if I accepted money from my parents it would mean including all of those people because “family” and I didn’t want that over my head.


I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would sit down with your parents and let them know that if it continues to be threatened if you don’t agree with them 100% that you and FH are prepared to pay for it yourselves and not use their money. Maybe that will make them see how foolish they’re being when they make threats like that.

When someone else is contributing to your wedding financially, they get some say in things, but those are usually things like how much they're willing to spend on a venue, adding a few guests that they're paying for, etc. If you were to find a venue that was more than what they were willing to spend, it would be your choice whether to book that venue and you cover the difference in price, or go with a cheaper venue. They certainly do not get to decide who is in your wedding party just because they're paying for the wedding. I would have a conversation with them to discuss everyone's expectations, and what decisions you'd be OK with letting them make. If you are not OK with the strings attached to the money, then I would decline the money from them and pay for the wedding yourself.

This is exactly why my husband and I didn't want to accept help from others with paying for our wedding. Money tends to always come very strings so I've found it is better to say no thank you then move on rather than dealing with unwanted opinions or demands.

View Quoted Comment Okay this makes sense to me. I think we definitely need to set expectations and then I would really appreciate if they don't add new ones. Like I said, FH and I don't need the money and I think it sets a damaging precedent that my father is using money to control us. It's going to harm his relationship with my fiance especially. My dad also wants to give us a down payment as a gift but if we can't get through this we would be insane to accept a lifelong gift

View Quoted Comment I agree that they seem to be using money as a way to control, and it's not OK for them to do that. I would suggest that you have a conversation with them - even draw up a contract if you need to. Discuss exactly what they are agreeing to pay for, what their expectations are, what your expectations are, what decisions they get to make, and what you're willing to accept input from them on, and everything else is you and your fiance's decision. Also insist that they cannot keep adding conditions or changing the rules later on. If it's not in the contract, they don't get to decide on it. If they continue to try to control you even after that conversation (with maybe 1-2 gently reminders that they don't get to make that decision), then reimburse them for whatever they've paid up to this point and let them know that you'll be paying for your own wedding.


As for the down payment gift, I agree that if it comes with strings (will he want say in what house you buy? Or what color you have to paint your house? Etc), be cautious if you decide to accept that gift.

This is so common and heartbreaking...
We declined all financial help and planned our dream wedding down to every little detail. I can’t stress this enough to do exactly what you want to do or you’ll have major post wedding regrets. How would anyone know if he didn’t pay for it? We didn’t exactly go announcing to the world we turned down everyone’s money and paid for it ourselves. Best wishes!

View Quoted Comment The contract idea is really good. I'm going to do that tonight. I told my mom today that this isnt working and she agreed that we could all talk.

Omg! Your parents seem like they only care about themselves. You should 100% pay for your own wedding. I know you said it’s culturally unacceptable, But it’s not like you or your parents would be announcing that to everyone. I think people would probably just assume that your father was paying for it anyway. Either way, parents should put their own daughters in this position on the most important day of their lives. And I am so sick and tired of seeing these posts about parents are paying but they want to invite 20 friends etc! As brides were already limited on guest list. Who the hell do these people think they are?

Since this is a cultural custom, could it be also a thing where the father does this as well? Could you ask an older relative, like an aunt or uncle, if their parents did the same?
And I always recommend talking when tempers are not high and no other wedding talk is going on. Something along the lines of “Dad, it really hurts when you threaten to withdraw financial support for the wedding. We can pay for it ourselves, and this is driving a wedge in our relationship. I think it’s best FH and I handle it on our own.”
The ball will be in his court. If he wants to keep paying, then pin him down to agreements. I think you should give in on letting your parents invite some friends, though. If your dad would have negative cultural consequences for not paying for the wedding, he may have the same if he doesn’t invite some of his peers.

There’s always strings attached when family is contributing to a wedding. I agree that you should sit down with them & lay out your boundaries & expectations of this wedding. Inform them that if they try the “I’m not paying” card than you guys will accept it, give the $$$ back & pay for it yourselves.
We’re paying for everything, except the rehearsal dinner. My fiancé’s mother tried to tell us that her sister (lots of family drama with that) could not attend our wedding. He sat her down & politely told her that that was not a decision for her to make as we’re paying for everything. She didn’t like that but didn’t push the issue further.

(my FH and I can afford to pay for the wedding, but my father would have to endure cultural humiliation because of it)

How would anyone know your dad didn’t pay for the wedding? Is his ego more important to you than having the wedding you want? Are you responsible for how other people view your dad?

View Quoted Comment All valid questions. People probably dont need to know who paid, they would just default assume he did and just have it be a secret. But I think he would be worried it would get out. To your other questions, definitely no. I just want to make that clear without ruining our relationship

View Quoted Comment Yeah I do think they aren't totally aware that we are willing and able to pay ourselves.

View Quoted Comment That's good that you'll all be able to sit down and talk things out! Getting everyone on the same page usually has a good chance of resolving the issues. I hope everything goes well! Best wishes!

I am so so sorry this is happening to you. My FH has been VERY careful with accepting help from his mother so we are not trapped into inviting his sexist pig of an uncle.


I am one of the fortunate people with a good relationship with my parents. When they offered to contribute to the wedding costs I asked what the conditions were and my mom wanted to invite her 3 siblings and their spouses. 6 aunts and uncles (that I like) isn't a huge ask in the scheme of things, but then COVID hit and we shortened our guest list to 25 and 6/25 is a heafty amount. I have accepted this as a good trade-off anyway.
I hope others can help more with the family advice. If you hit your limit with the threats and manipulation, I would definitely take back control and pay for things yourself. Sitting down and discussing boundaries might be a good first step.

What you are describing is why many couples refuse financial assistance from parents and have the wedding they want within their means. Take control of your wedding so you don't have regrets.

Since you can afford to pay for your wedding yourselves, every time your parents threaten to withdraw financial support, I would call their bluff. Remind them that they cannot control you with money you don't need.

One line from one tree hill always stood out to me and as I planned my wedding I found it to be true. When you take someone’s money, you are taking their input. Think of the people paying for your wedding as investors who get a say and the more money they put in the greater their say. Even in the movie our family wedding, they had to keep reminding the couple their wedding, your marriage. The one who fund the wedding will always have the most say and once I started seeing it in terms of investors I could understand it better.

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Absolutely this.

"Okay Dad, if you want to go that route that's fine. We'll pay for it. If anyone asks we'll make sure to let them know we paid for it. It wouldn't be fair for you to get the credit of a wedding we paid for. Oh, you didn't mean it? Okay. Don't say it again. We can and will pay for it by ourselves if you threaten it again, and we'll make sure the people who matter know."

God that makes me mad for you. I'm sorry they're being like that.

View Quoted Comment I think the whole tone of his attitude is slightly a cultural thing, but it's also a him thing. He gets upset and feels backed into a corner and threatens with the money.


I definitely want to give my parents a few guests and have. I have gone along with all their requests so far in the end. The most recent one is just one where I feel like I have to draw the line because it would just really disrupt the day. It has to do with inviting one child to our adult only event, and both the child and the child's parents have some serious issues that would require my parents to keep on eye on them. I don't want to make an exception for any child but particularly a child who would struggle at an adult-only event