Proposing to him?

Personally, I would not be happy proposing to my man (it's just weird to me and I would not be comfortable doing it for me personally but I know other people are fine with it!) and I would want him to properly propose to me. It's really not about the ring or anything like that, it was just something I always dreamed of and that was special and meant something to me. I'm also really, really close with my dad so it was super important to me that my FH went about the whole thing the "right" way and asked my dad then got down on one knee, etc. and he did just that. I know a lot of people think that's old fashioned and don't care and if that is you, that is totally fine. However, if a "proper" proposal is important to you, I wouldn't settle and I would talk to him about it and tell him how important it is to you and just open up the conversation and see what he has to say. If you don't care about the proposal, I would just plan the wedding and get married! If you are both on the same page about it all then I think it is fine and I would just move ahead without the proposal.

Just propose yourself. As far as him giving you an official proposal, it sounds like that is what you want, but not what he wants.

I wanted a nice proposal, but got a "hey will you marry me", after an extremely long night at the ER, no ring, nothing. My response was "is this really how you want to do this?" I then hoped that once we got a ring he would do something nice, but nope. We did go to dinner after we picked it up, and that was that. But I am so happy I have him as my partner, that "Instagram/movie moments" are the least important thing to me.

No one needs to "officially" propose for you to be engaged. If you have a very explicit conversation with him and you both decide that, yes, you want to get married, then congrats you're engaged. If you do want to propose to him, I think that's a sweet idea and you could do it with or without a ring, whatever makes you feel comfortable and suits your budget.

I think either party can propose and whether you want a ring or not is a personal decision, but, honestly, I'd be really concerned about moving forward with wedding plans based on his current level of commitment to the plan. This is potentially a life-long legal commitment; he needs to be fully on-board, not just passively going with the flow. Talking about getting married and AGREEING you want to and are ready are two different things. Daughter & SIL started talking about "one day" being married when they were teenagers; however, they didn't start planning a wedding for years, until they were both fully ready and committed to being MARRIED to each other (not just "living together works, so why change things"). I'd consider some couples' counseling to work through your different perspectives and communication differences before you make any more plans.

I don't think proposing to him is odd at all but from the sounds of your post he isn't really into the whole wedding and marriage thing. He shouldn't be going with the flow but rather he should want to talk to you and agree with you on all aspects of marriage. He might not be happy with you proposing to him, either, since he doesn't like change. I'm not sure how I'd approach it, but I would want to have a very long and thought out conversation with him to make sure you are 100% on the same page and he isn't just going with what you want because it sounds like you want marriage and he doesn't care, which isn't the mindset to start a marriage in.

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I entirely agree with this comment entirely. The engagement proposal can be done anyway by either party. That being said, I agree that couples' counseling is a great idea for both of you. Your partner doesn't sound like he's to the point where he really wants to get married - and he may never be if he doesn't want to change things. Dragging him to the alter is the fastest way to damage the foundation of your relationship.

Those of you that think I'm dragging him to the alter, I'm not. I promise. I did get him to talk about me taking his last name and he got all embarrassed and cute saying yeah, he wants me to be official. We have pretty clear and open communication. I'm positive he wants to marry me. He's just super against any change and anything that is going to make him look embarrassed in front of people (like a wedding). So we agreed to have a private ceremony and a public reception for him which he thinks is a great idea.

First and foremost I sat my fiance down and asked him point blank, I told him if we didn't start making plans for a permanent relationship I wanted to end it. We had the house, the conversation, we'd been together a while. I told him I needed to know what his hold up was and how we were going to fix it.
He's also afraid of change, he didn't have the job he wanted and was embarrassed, he was finishing up school. So we made a plan, fixed most of those things and now were engaged.
I personally hate surprises and proposals so I didn't get one and that's fine by me.
You don't need anything to be engaged aside from the agreement you are in fact engaged. I ordered my fiance a ring because I thought it was fun, but you don't need to.
That being said it does sound like your fiance has some underlying anxeity problems because he's so resistant to change. You should address those via therapy. My fiance actually put himself on medication and in therapy for it because he knew he needed it, you should make sure yours is getting help he needs to deal with change and make healthier coping strategies than just avoidance.

I agree with the other PPs saying no one needs to officially propose. it would be nice, but i've seen people get married or become engaged without some big proposal story behind it - when two people are ready and make that choice together to head into the next step, that's engagement.

i also considered proposing to my fiance because he also seemed like he was never going to do it himself.

We didn't have a big proposal, me and my fh have been together for almost 7 years and have 2 beautiful kids together and I got tired of waiting for him to propose, so when our anniversary came around and he asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted my engagement ring, so the next day I finally got to pick out my ring.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this! I would have a very honest conversation with him & make a solid plan together that you will stick to (whatever that is).

I personally think man or woman can propose (it’s 2019 after all), and also nobody has to officially propose either. I don’t think you’re dragging him down the alter lol, because you guys already have a life together & act as partners.
But it does sound from what you wrote that he has an issue with getting married. Whatever that issue is, it should be explored, especially since you really want to get married. Is he waiting until he is more financially stable, does he have commitment issues, does he not believe in marriage or this official “piece of paper” is not important to him, does he have anxiety around marriage etc. Even the most chill, slow-to-react or no-change men will plan a proposal for a woman they love, unless there is an underlying issue (which may or may not have anything to do with you personally, by the way).

If you've both agreed you want to get married and are actively planning it, I'd say you're engaged. A ring isn't required.

I'm kind of in the same boat. FH and I have been together for over seven years, lived together for six, and bought a house together last year. In every way but legally married, we're basically already bound. We talked about getting married a few years ago but tabled it after deciding we wanted to buy a house first. And then we did and ran out of excuses but kept going. Eventually, marriage came up one night (there was a news article about it we had both read), and we agreed we should really be married for the legal protections, and now here we are. There was no proposal, no romantic story to tell, no ring. And that's fine with me. When I was younger, I wanted that, but it doesn't bother me at all that it didn't happen. I'm just happy to be marrying him. We both picked our own rings. Mine came as a set, so I have an engagement ring, but that wasn't the original intention. You can buy whatever kind of rings you want.

At the end of the day, you and your FH know yourselves best. I think there's a lot of emphasis on the traditional way of doing things, and I also think it's completely unnecessary. I know more people without that traditional story than people with (including one where the wife proposed to the husband), and I gather that's unusual, but everyone seems perfectly happy. My FH is actively glad we're getting married and tells me so frequently. If you and yours are happy too, I'd say you're both on the right path.

(ETA - I see a lot of people above suggesting there might be some sort of issue. My FH has social anxiety, thought the wedding had to be in front of a whole bunch of people, and was anxious about that. Yes, something like that might be influencing your FH, and it's not a bad idea to get treatment if you can (anxiety is definitely unfun), but I don't think it makes him any less of a consenting adult or your marriage any less valid.)

My fiance proposed because he was angry with me for telling him he was never going to propose...

He told me to start planning a wedding before he ever proposed. I just kept bombarding him with wedding things and said, whatever, not like you're ever going to propose anyway. (I was kinda super angry with him when we got back from vacation and he hadn't. So I was kinda trying to sabotage the relationship. I think.) But he finally got mad and bought a ring when he was angry.

I wouldn't propose.
If I were in your shoes, I'd probably just say "We're getting married June 20, 2020. What do you think?" And if he agrees, I'd tell him "Ok. Cool. Better start looking at rings so you can propose."
Or
He thinks you're happy the way things are. Tell him you're not. And that you want to get married.

My man never fully proposed to me, but here we are 73 days away from wedding. It was kind of a "lets get married already" conversation & we went ahead and planned from there. Been together 4 years and I know he's very shy so I didn't expect a huge Instagram moment, instead I just got the same conversation you've had. If you are expecting that huge moment, then it seems you may be a little disappointed. At the end of the day, we just want to be married to our person, and that's what truly counts. Not what the camera can capture

I personally wouldn't propose but it really is up to you. My fiance was slow to propose but I was direct with him about what I wanted/needed to continue our relationship, I told him a date by when I wanted to be married, but also that I would not be planning a thing unless he was ready/willing to show me that this was what he wanted as well.

“He just shrugged me off saying ‘Why do we need to get married when your happy with how things are now?’”—it doesn’t sound like you are happy with how things are now. I think it’s fine if either person in a couple proposes, but I find it odd he thinks you’re fine with things are now when it’s clear from this post that you aren’t. I would start there- an open conversation about how you aren’t happy with how things are now and you’d like to start discussing and planning a wedding.

I think people spend too much effort worrying about the "Social Media Experience"... You know... The perfect photos, the perfect proposal, the storybook life (at least on publicly). Everyone knows relationships aren't like that. The reality of the situation is that not everyone is into the publicity. I'm a fairly private person. I didn't rush to the socials to proclaim our engagement. My FH didn't even have the ring when he proposed. And that's fine. It works for us because we are both low key, non traditional, casual people. It sounds like that's how your FH is, as well. As long as you are both on the same page as far as "yes, let's get married on this date..." then the rest doesn't matter.

You don't need to get him an engagement band. Especially if he is more low key. I told my FH that if he didn't propose by Christmas this past year, I was going to propose to him! He also hates change but it lit a fire under his butt for sure. From my family's experiences as well as my own, all of the "grooms" were pretty low key and uninvolved with the planning. more go with the flow and show up day of. LOL

I proposed to my bf because he is the same as yours. Id die first if i held my breath waiting for him to propose which sucks because i wanted so bad for him to propose to me.

Anyways i gave him a watch as an engagement gift. I heard of another woman who bought her bf a pocket knife and had it engraved as her proposal gift.

Either person can propose. An engagement ring is not necessary. My fiance and I got engaged because we were talking about the next few years of our lives and where we wanted to be, etc. We decided marriage should be a part of that plan, so we decided to get engaged. We then told our families the following day. My fiance wanted to get me an engagement ring, so he "proposed" about a week later with the ring. Each relationship is unique, as is each proposal. My parents didn't have the money for an engagement ring back in the day, so they didn't have one. My dad got my mom and anniversary band about 10-15 years later when they financially stable.