For starters, please know that this comes from a place of love, respect, and complete consideration. Know that this also comes from a place of mental and emotional exhaustion. The way I feel as a bride in 2020 may not be the way every bride feels in 2020. But I haven’t yet met one that has enjoyed the process. I haven’t yet met one that has this pinned as their dream come true, their fairy tale brought to life, or one that is even having FUN. And so from me, and all of those who are just ready to wear their white, here are some friendly reminders.
#1, and above all, please know that she is doing her very best.
Please stop asking her to change her mind, to not have her wedding, or to put her special attire away for “another day”.
Please stop reminding her you’re worried. She is worried, too. She never stops worrying. Since the arrival of COVID in the United States in early March, she has worried. Believe it or not, to hear your worry, does not make her worry less. Every other bride, every other year, heard, “we are so happy for you” and “we are excited to celebrate with you”. The 2020 bride hears, “are you sure you should be having a wedding” and “I’m coming but I’m afraid to be”. Do you feel the difference? Do you feel the burden, the grief, and the emotional deterioration in the space between those responses? I’ll tell you she does.
Please stop assuming she is selfish or irresponsible for not postponing her wedding for the first, or maybe even the second, time. Understand that she sees no end in sight, and no other bride and groom have been asked to put their name change, and personal commitment to each other, on hold for potentially years, and years, and years. She is in the dark as much as you are, but it’s not as easy (financially or emotionally) to say, “oh well, maybe by 2025”, as you may or may not assume.
In the same breath, please stop assuming she does not care. She wakes at night thinking of those coming far more than she thinks of herself. She is thinking faster than she is sleeping at 2 AM. Instead of stressing about colors, pictures, or dinner platters, she is mapping out the distance between chairs, getting rid of all pre-planned wedding favors – instead budgeting for masks and sanitizer for every guest, and determining what else she’s always dreamed of that she can throw away for the sake of everyone’s safety. She is part bride, part CDC, and part over it.
But #1, and above all, please know that she is doing her very best.
Know that she understands. She loves you. She cares for you. She wants you safe and healthy. She is fully accepting of a smaller wedding and lower attendance. She values more than anything your well-being – both mentally and physically. She cannot possibly understand everyone’s unique situations or beliefs, but she has the utmost respect for each and every one of them. But also know that your yes or no does not have to come with an opinion or political stance. “I’m sorry, I won’t make it” is sufficient. “Your wedding is unsafe, so-and-so should not be going either” is outright hurtful.
Please understand that she is drowning in guilt. She feels guilt for those who cannot make it, and she feels guilt for those who are, but are fearful. She feels fully responsible for each and every outcome in all directions. To hear, “it’s not on you” would mean more than you could imagine.
Additionally, contrary to the unwritten rules of the 21st century, not every bride wants her wedding to be a production. Her love and marriage is something she has dreamed of sharing for years on end with those that mean the most, but she may not be willing to link these intimate moments via “live stream”. Weddings are not typically made to be a couch convenience. Please respect, and do not assume, that hers suddenly should be.
Please know that she is not simply checking off RSVP’s and “just winging it”. She is in constant communication with the state health department, the county health department, and her venue. At this point she is just trying to keep up with the constant changes. Around-the-clock she is weaving between new state laws, new county regulations, and, heck, just trying to figure out how to file for a marriage license in a building that’s been temporarily shut down. She is tracking travel regulations, quarantine regulations, and works HARD to keep up with multiple states at once to be in the know for her guests. She’s figuring out lodging accommodations, catering protocols, and public transportation requirements. Not to mention she’s getting her dress altered alone and masked, and describing floral over the phone. Not to mention x2 she’s living in the same world you are. The same world with shaky ground, the same world with added layers of career stress, the same world filled with a lot of pain, and a lot of uncertainty, in a lot of ways. She’s trying to figure this new place out, too, just like you are.
But #1, and above all, please know that she is doing her very best.
She loves you.
She cares about you.
She is trying SO hard, for this day, and for you.
But she is exhausted, and she is sad. She did not sign up to be a pandemic bride, just as you did not sign up to be a pandemic wedding guest. If you cannot celebrate with her, please try to celebrate for her.
Tell her you’re happy for her.
Tell her you’re excited for her.
Tell her it’s not all on her.
Tell her you love her.
Tell her it’s okay. Whatever she is doing, whatever she is feeling, tell her it’s okay.
Or, if you don’t agree, tell her nothing at all.
But please stop telling her she’s wrong, she’s unsafe, or she’s selfish. Please stop telling her what she should or shouldn’t do, or that you’re fearful for her day, her decisions, and her guests.
Because #1, and above all, I can promise she is doing her VERY DANG BEST.
All my love,
A very tired 2020 bride
