Question on Adult Stepchildren

Stop trying to be her friend. You are not her friend. Forcing these kinds of relationships never ends well. Be civil, be the bigger person. Either she will come around or she won't, it's her choice.

Let it go.

Easier said than done I know.

Concentrate on the positive, act like your gracious, adult self.

Don't complain to your husband or put him in the middle.

Yes it hurts. Yes you have tried.

Try a little less.

You're not their friend, you are their dad's wife.

And some kids, even grown, have a hard time with loyalty to their parents.

Don't tell her how to spend her time.

What you see as disrespectful is more likely her immaturity.

The less you think, say and do about this the better you will feel.

If she's 24 and you see her every 2-3 weeks, that's a fair amount. She may resent you, she may just be a 24 yr old.more interested in hanging out with friends than her new stepmom. You can't change her, so you should try to focus on the good moments you have and overlook the ones where she forgets to thank you or doesn't reply to texts.

If she's 24 and engaged she probably has a lot of other stuff going on. Seeing her every 2-3 weeks actually seems like a lot to me.. I wouldn't take it personally.

Honestly, she probably doesn't even think about it. She's 24. Her actual parents probably barely register; she's excited to be independent, getting married, etc. It's not rejection; she's just at a totally different phase of her life right now.

I agree with LIllyBean. You can't force a relationship with her. It has to happen organically - just like yours and your FH's relationship happened.

At this point, just be cordial and polite and give her time to relax and open up to the idea of being your friend. If she's rude to you, address her rudeness to/with her then go back to being cordial/polite.

At 24 I saw my mom maybe once every 2-3 months, and my dad even less.. so 2-3 weeks is a lot.

From the perspective of the daughter (my mom is engaged, so these are my thoughts and feelings I have towards/ about my mothers FH)

You aren't her friend, her mom, and as an adult I wouldn't even call you step-mom because you had no part in her raising. You are her fathers wife. She is an adult with a life of her own. You aren't someone she considers family - that title comes with time and is earned, not given.

I'm not saying this to be hurtful, but if my mom's FH tried to impose any kind of authority or unwanted friendship - I'd laugh in his face, and they have been together 9 years at this point. We are just now at a point where we are friendly, but there are still awkward silences between us.

Brush it off, be kind and courteous and be the bigger person. She may come around, she may not.

I don't think it's right to assume she is jealous of you. I also think that her visiting every 2-3 weeks is pretty good! I have friends who hardly ever visit their parents! What is she doing that's disrespectful? Does she yell at you or tell you off? Is it possible that you expect from her things that her own parents don't expect?

You see her pretty often. Even if you lived in the same town, she had a lot going on in her life.

Don't force it. My biological father's wife tried to force a relationship with me (I'm now 24), and all it did was push me further from her and him. Give her time. It's a big change for her, and she has other big changes in her life as well.

She's 24. Chill a bit!

I doubt she is jealous. Stop pushing it. I am not friends with my dad's wife. I mean, I am not rude but I wouldn't call her a friend. She is also not my stepmom since she married my dad when I was an adult. She is my dad's wife.

I'm about that age and every 2-3 weeks is about how often I see my parents... At least my dad. My mom is my best friend, so I see her more often. Don't try to force anything with her, and definitely don't compare your relationship with her to that with her mom.

You see her every 2-3 weeks? I'm impressed. My son is 23 and has an apartment about 20 minutes away. I see him maybe once a month. I just kind of chalked it up to him being 23.

My dad remarried when I was 26. From my point of view, she isn't my stepmother because she didn't raise me at all - just like @Chip. I also was living with my boyfriend at the time (H now). Also, not sure about the pictures comment, but if she wants a picture with her mom and dad she is allowed to have it. You don't have to be in every picture. At my wedding, my dad's wife was in extended family photos but not in the parents photos. I also see her maybe once a month (whenever I visit my dad) but I definitely don't make a separate visit just to see her.

You have to realize you haven't been in her life while she was a child. 4 years ago when you started dating she was 20. A grown woman. So everything that you described (minus maybe not thanking you? But at 20 I was also guilty of telling my dad "Tell her thanks" so maybe he didn't pass the message) seems normal for this relationship dynamic.

Every 2-3 weeks is a lot. You're not her mother, & at 24 being a step mother isn't really a thing. Yes you can have a relationship with her but not by forcing things. Just be supportive & be the adult. She is learning a lot about life at this age & its possible she is not purposefully doing these things. She may not have even thought about it that way, she's living in her own world right now.

@Chip read my mind.

She's an adult who was raised by her two parents. She can form her own opinions and relationships. You're probably stressing over nothing.

Stop forcing it. My dad remarried when I was 23, and it was so obnoxious how hard his wife tried to force a relationship with me. It wasn't because I was jealous or immature, just that we are two totally different people and a relationship wasn't going to happen overnight. It's taken a lot of time and getting to know each other for us to get closer. It hasn't been easy, but as soon as she quit forcing herself into my life, it got better.

ETA: All that being said, I still don't call her my stepmom since she played no role in raising me.

I'm approaching this as a daughter. My dad's wife became part of my life when I was 16, and I'm 27 now. We've never gotten along. We're starting to be civil, but only because she stopped trying to force us to be friends or to have a close relationship.

You feel hurt because an adult woman only sees you every 2-3 weeks?

I have a close relationship with my mom and I probably see her less than that. Granted, I'm in another state, but I think you should let that detail go.

Also, she might not like you. What difference does that make? Not everyone is going to accept you and be your friend. That's how life works.

I know it hurts, but just let it go.

I agree with pp - you aren't her stepmother, you are her dad's wife. Don't try to push a relationship with her.

I'm in a similar situation but on the other end. My dad recently got engaged and his fiancée tries to insert herself into more of a motherly role in my life. I find it very frustrating. I am an adult and have been since they started dating. She is a very nice woman but she is not my mom and won't ever be a mother figure to me.

As long as your husband's daughter isn't openly disrespecting you (yelling at you, ignoring you), you need to let it go. Maybe she forgot to respond to the text messages. Maybe she wants some pictures or honestly, some time spent with just her dad. Maybe she told him to pass along a thank you or a congratulations. You don't know.

This isn't something you should be fighting with your husband about. If my dad ever came to me and told me to be nicer to his fiancée, I would be bothered by that.

And seeing her every 2-3 weeks is a lot. She's an adult with a busy life and how she spends the rest of her time isn't your business. Just to let you know, both of my parents and my fiancé's mom live less than 20 minutes away from us. We see my parents each once every 3-4 weeks and we see his mom once every 2-3 months.