Question: Severely Mentally Handicapp? Am i wrong?

I am disabled myself. Bipolar and pzichoeffective. Saying this my opinion is that it is your day. I do not fault you in anyway not wanting her there specially if you already told her mom no and she is trying to get you to change your mind so close to the wedding. My opinion is that she is using the time crunch as a stress factor to get you to do a whatever. Hold your ground. It may mean she won't come either but that is on her and if that's the case it's rude and disrespectful to pull a guilt trip but don't let it run. Your day.

It is your day. Do what makes you happy. What does your future spouse say? I have worked with a lot of individuals like your future niece. If it were me, I still would probably not want her there for the ceremony, but would be perfectly comfortable with her being there for the reception etc. But that is me. Again. Do what makes you feel comfortable.

Being in a big crowed might make her even more anxious. I wouldn't include her if I were you. Explain it to your SIL why it's not a good idea.

It's really a personal choice with you and your future family. It seems that if it was already discussed a year ago, that's not super fair to you to change your mind so close. And also over the last year, your family may have been able to work on some skills to prepare her for the wedding. It's going to be a big crowd of unfamiliar people in an unfamiliar environment with a lot of noise and excitement, which, depending on how she responds, might give her more anxiety. As PP said, is there any way you could compromise and have her come to just the reception? Or if you're wanting to include her, maybe invite her to the rehearsal dinner, the brunch after, or make sure you and FH go visit her afterwards with some favors, maybe some food/cake (depending on her restrictions) and some of your non pro pics that you can share with her? You can also make sure to visit her special with the wedding video and pro pics.

Also, with a week away, isn't your guest list pretty much set?

I would stick to the original agreement. Her mother deserves a night out also.

Is she family? Do you care about her? I imagine that your FSIL has a lot on her plate and that it isn’t always easy to get a babysitter willing to watch someone with a severe disability. If you’re set that you don’t want your future niece at your wedding then you should understand that your FSIL will likely not come either. I imagine that would cause a lot more drama with your FSIL being very upset that her daughter was not accepted.

My older is severely disabled in a similar fashion, although not in a wheelchair. He runs, makes all kinds of sounds, wears a diaper, and is 34. I wouldn’t dream of excluding him from my wedding and if my FH had ever wanted to not have him there... well, he wouldn’t be my FH, but he also wouldn’t ever exclude my brother.

If is was already discussed, it's extremely unfair of your FSIL to try to force this on you right before the wedding. Plus, as a PP said, isn't your guest list set already? I'm not going through anything remotely similar, but my sister (my MOH) has a 7 year old son who is extremely ADHD and simply put, he's constantly all over the place. She even asked me if I would like for him to stay with his father (they're divorced) for my wedding so he wouldn't cause any problems on my special day. Of course I said no! But I don't think she would've been upset if I had said yes... she was the one that offered. I'm extremely confused as to why your FSIL in changing her mind all of a sudden when it was previously agreed her daughter wouldn't come...

Are any of your other nieces and nephews invited?

Does this daughter have any siblings that are invited? That may be part of whats causing this.

Is she able to come to just the reception?

Being a mother of a special needs child, this would have been settled months ago for me. Sometime it is very hard to find respite care, or a care giver to work with their DDD. If I was not able to find aporopriate care, I would have to bow out of coming as well. I do like PP advice of including her as much as possible for the days activities if not the entire ceremony. I understand some people may not be as comfortable around her, but really in this day and age i feel everyone should be included and not excluded because they are different. I'm sure your FSIL understands your not wanting her daughter there (since I'm assuming it's happened all her life), but it still hurts. And it could be her scheduled caregiver fell through. You can't usually just call up a neighbor to come do it. So be patient and don't assume she's springing it on you last minute to take advantage. If you really don't want the neice there for any of it, be prepared for some fallout moving forward. You are after all rejecting the grandbaby of your FiIs.

I don't think you're wrong for asking them to stick to the original plan. I wouldn't want that at my wedding either, as heartless as it may sound. It's just like someone bringing a young baby and forgetting the formula.

It almost sounds like a caregiver dropped out or proved to not be qualified to watch the daughter. Granted, this should have been solved months ago, but that doesn't mean they had bad timing to drop out. Perhaps speak with your SIL and find out why she suddenly wants to bring her daughter a week before the wedding. She shouldn't have to sit out, but you shouldn't have to change your plans either.

View Quoted Comment Well said I also have a daughter who is disabled, and if any family were to not invite me cause of her I'd be cutting off the family. Even though those are valid concerns your upset that she may ruin your video but you can look on that and say she had so much fun, please rethink this would you like it if you had a disabled child and she was excluded from family

If this was already discussed then stay firm. Don’t change your mind. Let your FH break the news that you guys are sticking with your decision.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé agrees with me. His mother is also angry about not having her granddaughter there but she yells and sometimes spit. The wheelchair part is fine, but I don’t understand why this is an issue. I actually have never seen a special needs child with these behaviors sitting in the front rows at a wedding.

View Quoted Comment I forgot that add that it’s hard to say that she will have fun because her behaviors are intensified when she gets tired. This is an all day invite. I do understand special needs because my mother, myself, and my sister work with special needs children. She is actually so severely disabled that she is not really aware what is really going on. Her development is equal to a 9 month old baby. She will need to be changed at the venue and sometimes this can be difficult when the bathroom is not equipped for this. She is also paralyzed on one side of her body and her other hand is kept strapped down because she tends to swing it so hard that she can hurt someone because she has a hard plastic brace on it.

View Quoted Comment Alforev
So should I just cancel the videographer? We will be miced for the ceremony and some part of the reception. I know she will be on the video and will be difficult to hear our vows or music. Her behaviors get worse when she hear sounds. I feel she make also distract the vendors with the spitting.

View Quoted Comment Yes the other nieces are invited. But we chose not to have children at the wedding unless the family was coming from another state or county.

View Quoted Comment We are in California so if you have a special needs child you are entitled to respite care via the regional center. You get it once per month. She stated to me that she was going to get this for her a year ago. But she never did this. When she goes out for any nighttime event she leaves her home. Even for baseball events. Not sure who is watching her at home, but here are about 4 other adults in the home.

View Quoted Comment I just find it really sad the way you’re talking about her as if she’s some disgusting person. This is a person who suffers from a severe disability. She does not have malice intent with the way she acts, she cannot control it. You don’t have to allow her at your wedding if she angers you so much, but do not be surprised at your FSIL being upset and possibly not attending herself. That’s her daughter being rejected from a family event, and I imagine it being very hurtful. Until you know what your FSIL goes through caring for her daughter it’s very difficult to say she intentionally lied to you about getting care for her daughter for that one day. I’m sure it’s a lot more difficult than you know. As I mentioned before, I have an older brother who suffers from a similar disability and my parents do not trust anyone else. When he was in school and the aids didn’t know how to handle him because he was so big, he would come home with bruises everywhere. He does yell and make noises and there was video from his bus where an aid couldn’t listen to it anymore and smacked him repeatedly until he stopped. To say my parents were horrified and upset when they found out is an understatement. My point is that its very difficult to trust someone to care for your child when you know your child is difficult to control.

You clearly do not want her daughter, your future niece, apart of your wedding at all. Your opinion is not going to change so I would suggest talking to your FH about how to address this situation since it’s his sister and his niece. Be prepared for backlash from his family and try to be understanding of the fact that they love this girl and accept her even though she has this disability that you find so atrocious.

View Quoted Comment I’m what capacity do you work with children with special needs? With the way you’re describing her with such disgust and putting the disability before the child, I find that very hard to believe. I am a special education teacher myself and I have never witnessed another teacher or aid talking in this manner about a child who is disabled. If you have compassion for those you “work” with then why have such anger toward your future niece? There’s a way to talk to your FSIL about your concerns without having the disgust come across so strongly. You should show a little compassion.