Questioning my bff to be a bridesmaid

I think you should evaluate the current state of your friendship. It sounds like you two aren't really that close any more if you never spend time together. If you do still feel close to her now (setting aside college nostalgia feelings), then ask her with zero expectations of how much she will participate. It's fine to express to her how important it is for her to be there with you on your wedding day, but I would not expect her to be involved in anything extra. As long as you can be truly ok with that, then it all all be fine.

If you do ask her, I would be very clear about what your expectations are from her as a bridesmaid from the beginning. Lots of brides just ask without thinking about what they want or need from their bridesmaids, and then there is a huge disconnect between what they think they should do vs. what the bridesmaids thinks they should do, and it results in friction and lost friendships. All she really needs to do is purchase the dress you designate, and support and love you on your wedding day. If you want her involved in more than that, make a list, be very clear and upfront, and ask if she thinks she has the time or interest to do all of it. Maybe she will opt out herself, and make sure she knows it's ok to say no. Setting expectations upfront will go a long way in avoiding any misunderstandings later on.

I agree with PP

i have a friend who is very unorganized. but i asked her to be mine because i really love her and we're close. but my god during the entire time i was so frustrated with her and it really did make me lose more and more tolerance and patience with her over time. we're still friends now but honestly not as good as before [at least that's how it is in my eyes]. i don't regret having her though but i guess like what pp said - i could have just not had her and we coulda been better friends than we are now.

From my experience if you are questioning having someone in your wedding then you shouldn't do it. I had a friend that I was once close with who was also good friends with another girl that was in my bridal party, but I was concerned because she like your friend isn't very reliable. I should've listened to my gut and not have asked her. I had problems with her almost immediately. At first it was getting her address since she had just moved so I could send her a save the date. She would either completely ignore me when I asked or change the subject. Then it was getting her to go dress shopping. She was the only bridesmaid that worked weekends so we planned a day around her schedule to go and the day before I confirmed everything with everyone and she had no idea what I was talking about because she apparently completely forgot and never requested off work even though she told me she was going to. When I asked about going a different day she was full of reasons she couldn't go and then it became she didn't know when she would have the money even though I asked her budget for bridesmaids dresses before I started looking. After dealing with her excuses or non-responses, I got really tired of dealing with all of the drama she was causing so I suggested that it would be better if she attend as a guest. She acted like I was completely to blame even though she was the one making everything so difficult. Needless to say, we are no longer friends and I realized I never should've asked her to be our wedding to begin with.

I would not make her a bridesmaid. If you have a look on WW you will see there are hundreds of threads where brides have ranted or sought advice about what to do because their bridesmaids have not met their expectations (albeit sometimes because the bride has unrealistic expectations) or because bridesmaids have gone rogue, been uncooperative etc. In short – bridesmaid woes can change the relationship for the worst or end the friendship. You shouldn’t have any doubt about your bridesmaids and on that basis I would encourage you not to ask her to be a bridesmaid given you are already iffy about your friend’s commitment to tasks.

If she is that flakey, I just wouldn't trust her to be there for bridesmaids duties. If she's flaked all the time for two years, I don't really think anything but a courtesy invitation to the wedding is suitable.

I think when you're thinking about asking any of your friends/family members to be in the bridal party, if it's not a "hell yeah!" then it's a no. It sounds like at one time, this person may have been a potential bridesmaid for you but not lately. Asking her isn't going to make her a better friend, as many posters above me have illustrated it can put tensions on the relationship that break it.

Being a guest at a wedding isn't some sort of shameful status - I have been relieved to be just invited as a guest to casual friends and acquaintances' weddings because it means all I have to do is basically bring a gift, show up and have a good time! I only consent to be in the wedding party of those I am truly close with where the extra demands of being a bridesmaid are balanced by the love I have for the bride/couple.