Radio Convo: Do you expect gifts from guests who can't come??

I would send a gift to a wedding I was invited to, but couldn't make it. The gift isn't a thank you for spending money on my dinner, it's a token of congratulations. Even if I can't be there I want to send my good wishes with a card & gift. That being said… only 1 couple who couldn't make it sent a gift. This couple is very traditional, proper and upper crust. They are etiquette masters. The other group of guests that couldn't make it didn't send a gift. I'm not mad or anything, just a little disappointed in the lack of thought.

I was raised that whenever you get an invite to a gift-giving event that even if you can't attend, you still send a gift. So weddings, bridals showers, baby showers and children's birthday parties. Heck, one of my friend's baby shower is in a couple weeks and I can't make it but her gift that I bought her anyway is sitting across the room for me.

It was just something that my mom always did and therefore I grew up with that mentality as well.

We had many people who couldn't attend our wedding still send us a gift (card and cash basically) in the mail. We had a couple people who didn't. I didn't hold it against those people who didn't and was extremely grateful to those who did.

I think it also might be a regional thing as well. I grew up in New Jersey.

It's pretty standard to send a card/gift even if you can't make it at least in my family.

I also send a gift even if I can't attend. What was different about our wedding was that some people who didn't attend sent a gift, others didn't. Many people who were not invited sent a gift too.

But in general everyone should always send me a gift. You have another 1.5 month until a year is up to send us one. Make it expensive.

Oh shit Mrs. S, I'm running out of time! What's your address?

I don't expect it, but my FMIL does. I don't think I've ever RSVP'd no to a wedding, shower, etc so I personally have never had to do this. However, when we started planning our Engagement Party, FMIL stated "they can't come, but let me know how much they send in the card." I died, and I die every time she mentions something like that. To expect it is ridiculous, but to send a small gift if you can't make it- I probably would. Just to let the couple know I'm thinking about them.

I too, usually send a gift. I received a gift this weekend from my aunt, which I assume means she either can't make the shower or the wedding. Guess I'll find out.

It's not something I expect, but I think it is in good taste.

MrsO, you gifting me my new avatar only goes so far :-)

I was raised to always send a gift even if I cant make it!

I dont expect it, but that is how I was raised.

What Ashley said - I don't expect it, and some people who couldn't make it sent us gifts and others did not, but I would send something if it were me. Even if it's just a gift card inside a greeting card that I pick up at Publix.

I am not an etiquette master, but I do not expect a gift. This economy is very hard on alot of my peers and family. I do not expect people who are unable to attend my wedding to spend money on a gift. If I receive one, then for me that is just icing on the cake. I think I would be more upset about the couple who did not show up at the wedding rather the ones who notified me that would unable to attend.

I guess it depends on who it is. DH is not close to his aunts and uncles so when a cousin of his sent a wedding invitation he RSVP'd no and never sent a gift, he was shocked we were even invited. But we did receive a few gifts from people that couldn't attend. I was really surprised with that because I never expected it. We just RSVP'd no to his bosses wedding and he's debating on sending a gift. This is their 3rd marriage, they run a multi million dollar company and have lived together for 3 years and their registry is bigger then most peoples. They have a $300 waffle maker and a $100 toaster, oh and a cotton candy machine! I was a little put off by that so not 100% sure he will get them anything.

I also did not expect a gift from people who could not make it, but was surprised by those who did send gifts. Most of it was family who could not make it (my great uncle, DH's aunt and uncle).

We only have RSVP'ed no to one wedding so far, and it was a son of friends of my parents and neither I or my DH had never even met the bride or groom. We did not send a gift as I didn't really think we needed to. My parents attended the wedding and bought a gift from all of us.

We basically had 100% turnout (unheard of I know! Save the Dates really do work!), so I can't comment of this particular issue...but what about attendees who don't bring a card or send a gift?! We had 5 guests who didn't and that really surprised me...I don't expect a gift but a card I do expect...oh well

I wouldn't expect. When I was a kid, sometime we DIDN'T go to certain birthday parties, because we couldn't afford a gift. I don't think people should have to give a gift just because they got an invite. Also, I wouldn't want people to turn down my invitation specifically because they can't afford a gift. I would rather just have them there, gift or no gift.

Like Mrs. O and Mrs. S, No matter what I have been invited to, for ANY gift giving event, if I can't make it, I send a gift.

Likewise,no matter what gift giving event I have ever had, including bday parties and Christmas, I send out TY cards and taught my girls to do the same. When they were little, they scribbled their name. Oh heck, I send out TY cards after attending dinnner parties. Yep, I am stickler for ettiquette.

Now, when it comes to weddings, I will not send my usual "cover the cost of the meal" rule. I will send something from the registry with a smaller cash gift or gift card.

Did I expect it? No, because we did not expect gifts, period. We had a DW. Embarrassingly, we received gifts from everyone and those who could not attend.

Did/does Cate expect it? Actually, despite being raised the same way, she didn't expect it, however, the overwhelming majority have sent something.

Dang mouse is seriously getting on my last nerve. Sorry.

The reasons people said they WOULD send a gift, are pretty much my reasons why I think it's rude to invite anyone to a shower/b-party when they're not invited to the wedding. Probably a high correlation between how people answer this question, and how they answer that other one.

Also gifts don't have to be expensive to be awesome. Example - we registered for luggage. One of my friends gave us these really cool bright orange stretchy luggage tags with some puzzle books for the plane and a sweet card. So useful and so thoughtful. We really, really loved it. Especially at the luggage carousel - as it turns out our brand new grey Samsonite luggage is very popular.

I never expect a gift. Some people simply can't afford it and I understand that, even if they could just send something small. I would of course, like a card. I sent a personal note back with the RSVP to a friend of mine whose wedding I cannot make, and plan on sending a card and gift card or something of the sort later, more close to the wedding.

I remember this being the rule when I grew up: If you got an invitation, you sent a gift even if you couldn't be there. If you got an announcement, gifts were optional.

However, I think it really depends on how close you are to the couple. It's one thing if this is someone you are close to, but you just can't go because you had a vacation/surgery/giving birth already scheduled for that day. It's quite another if they sent out 500 invitations, and you took three days to remember that yes, this was the daughter of the teacher you had in kindergarten, and haven't seen in 15 years.

As for us, we had one person who sent a gift and didn't come--and he had intended to come until the last moment, but got sick. We also had a few people who came but did not give gifts (which was fine by us, as we would rather people who couldn't afford a gift come celebrate anyway, instead of staying home out of embarrassment at not being able to give a gift).