Rant- Moving Back Home

I was in the same situation as you, and FH and I wanted to wait until we were married to live together because we wanted it to be special. I also didn't want to live with FH before we were married because couples that live together before marriage (or engagement) are more likely to divorce. However, living together is more common now than it has been in the past, and it is more widely accepted so I'm not sure how valid those statistics are anymore. Of course that is not the only risk factor for divorce and a lot more goes into it than just living together so take that with a grain of salt. I also have a family member who has said that she never would have married her first husband had they lived together before getting married.

After weighing out all of our options, we decided that moving in together was the best decision for us. As of now, I'm glad we did it. There has been a bit of a learning curve that I am happy we are experiencing now instead of as newlyweds. We also get to save quite a bit more money doing it this way as well. I confident in our ability to communicate and work together, if I wasn't, I wouldn't be marrying him. PLUS, living together makes planning WAY easier (in my opinion).

At the end of the day, it is a personal choice and only you and FH can make that choice for your relationship. Your parents might be more supportive than you think.

It'd be for less than a year and you'd save a lot of $$

If it's not a financial necessity for you and you can still afford the wedding then just tune it out.

Wow, lots of people here putting down the idea of waiting until the wedding for a move-in! Please please please don't feel bad about feeling this way! I am the same way - I do not want to move in with my fiance before being married, either. It has nothing to do with being annoyed or not loving him enough, but it has everything to do with needing my engagement period to prepare (mentally, physically, emotionally) to share a home with one person for the rest of my life. I imagine you are feeling the same way! (Actually, I also really just like the idea of the move-in-after-wedding bliss). Don't feel bad!

@Sydney--if it makes you feel any better, correlation =/= causation. Yes, not living together has a correlation to not divorcing. But this can be directly attributed to the population(s) for whom these situations tend to exist. In the modern age, religious conservatives make up the lion's share of people who do not live together before marriage. Fundamentalist views on sexuality and family roles (AKA the preachings that condemn co-habitation) are typically bundled with fundamentalist views on divorce. So it's not so much that living apart makes for happy, lasting marriages. It has more to do with people whose religion forbids living together are also forbidden to divorce, no matter how bad their marriages are.

I would move in with FH or parents and save that extra $$$.

Hmmm... I've only skimmed the comments, but here's my thoughts:

A few years ago I went through a nasty breakup with a guy I had been living with, and I was only making enough money to pay half rent (which is why living together worked, but alone did not). So I moved back in to my dad's place. It was fine because we get along really well and we mind our own business. But if my dad wanted to lay down some rules...? Fuck that. I feel ya in that regard, chica. If I thought moving back into my parents would impinge my freedom in any way, I'd nope out of that real quick. Moving back home always felt like a bummer - once you live on your own and tasted the deliciousness of having your own place, it's damn hard to go back under your parents roof.

As for me - I've been co-habitating with signifs for years. I started living with FH about a year after we got together (so we've lived together for 2 and a half years). I love it. I mean... I would have trouble marrying someone who I never lived with. But I don't think it's anyone's place to tell you what your values should be. If you want to save moving in together for after the wedding, I think that's fine and completely up to you, and I don't think it will make or break your relationship - no matter when you move in with someone, it's an adjustment, and it's about how you handle the situation. If your relationship is strong and healthy, you'll be fine once you get adjusted.

Stay at your bomb-ass apartment.

OH BOY! There it is! The relationship between cohabitation and divorce...

I actually studied this extensively in undergrad. The act of cohabitation in and of itself does not preclude divorce. It's the REASONS people have for cohabitating. For example, some people decide to move in together for the wrong reasons - because it's more convenient/cheaper/might as well. That attitude of "might as well" can often lead to making other relationship decisions the same way. "We've been together X years... might as well move in together... might as well get married... might as well buy a house... might as well have kids..." "Might as well" is never a good reason in this context, and that's ultimately what leads to divorce. As @StPaulGal mentioned, correlation is most certainly not causation. It's a complicated issue.

I would consider moving in with FH maybe sleep in separate rooms? I know that sounds weird but it's probably better than moving back in with your parents. You'll still have that freedom and you'll be saving money plus it's kind of nice to know what kind of behavior (is he Messy, self sufficient , etc.) to expect from FH when you're married.

@SSJKarigan

I am fully aware that correlation doesn't equal causation, and there are a lot of factors playing into that. I said that in my post. I have also studied this being that I'm in a counseling graduate program. I stated that it is a risk factor for divorce, which it is. I didn't say that everyone that lives together before they get married gets divorced. I understand the complexity of the issue. I also stated that my FH and I are living together, so this isn't even relevant to my situation. I was simply stating one of the issues we wrestled with before making the decision to move in together.

Also, @StPaulGal I agree with you for the most part. I will say that my fairly liberal Methodist church did a study on this within our congregation and showed very similar statistics of divorce with cohabitation, which I thought was interesting. The sample size of the study was about 6,000, so it was a large enough sample size to get good results.

I definitely understand the not wanting to move back home for obvious reasons. There's the being able to come and go as you please at any time of the day or night without fear of waking or disturbing someone. Then there's the I just want to be alone and not be bothered days... Do what you feel is best. Also, if YOU want to wait to move in with your FH until after the wedding, don't let anybody talk you into doing otherwise. My husband and I lived together before the wedding but everybody has to do what works for them.

@Sydney - yo girl, I'm not saying you're wrong or disagreeing with you. I just wanted to delve into more detail about it before someone ran with it and let it get out of hand.

I'd suggest moving in now. A move is never bliss, it's a huge stressor, and so is a wedding. Combining the two is a recipe for stress. I moved in with DH at 22, the day I graduated from college, and don't regret it!

Yeah, there are a million other factors at play. Did they age-band the results of the survey? Older folks tend to have more conservative views all around, including living together and the acceptability of divorce. Since this was a religious setting, did they account for any shaming or negative consequences faced by cohabitating couples? A stressful environment like that would contribute to divorce. Did they control for financial variables? Financial stress is a leading cause of divorce, and many lower-income couples move in together out of financial necessity.

I have done quite a bit of reading on the subject, and I have yet to come across anything that suggests living together causes future divorces. I have seen plenty of "bundled" situations on either side (people not allowed to live together are also not allowed to divorce; people in poverty live together out of necessity and people in poverty are at high risk for divorce.)

Moving in together is not always easy and probably never "bliss." I would definitely recommend moving in together before you get married so you can decide if you can actually live like that or not.

Can I play devil's advocate and suggest that moving in together for the first time can be blissful? I mean, yea... moving is a pain in the ass, but even in relationships I had that ultimately didn't work out, getting to spend that first night together, just the two of you in your own place... it was fucking awesome. I loved the first time I got to say "Welcome home!" and giggle like the dumbass I am while asking what we should do for dinner.

It's exciting the first time you move in with someone. It can be stressful, but it's a good stress. Just like being engaged, ya know what I mean? Planning a wedding can be a lot of work, but it's also fun and exciting.

Absolutely move in with FH if you move out of your apartment.

I think it would be so weird to legally marry someone and THEN move in. Like heyyy we're married now! Hope this works out. But anyway don't move back in with your parents lol

Honestly prude or not I think you should move in with FH. So many times people don't live together prior to their wedding and then they realize they can't stand living with that person.

I hear ya! LOVE my family to death, but I'm happy to be out on my own and do my own thing. I don't think I'd move back either. Especially if your lease ends in Oct, at this point you're only saving one month's rent or so.