Rant > Resentment > Advice

I don't think it's fair to resent her for not contributing financially to the wedding. I would also imagine that FMIL would be very upset if we planned our entire wedding for just my family to attend and she was completely left out until the last minute when she wasn't able to make it. As far as her "guilting" you into having a wedding, you and your husband ultimately made that decision. You could've chosen not to. How she spends her money should have nothing to do with how you feel about her. Now the childish behavior of not being able to pay her own bills or having to be driven everywhere is silly and unnecessary, I'll give you that. My FMIL does the same sort of "woe is me, I'm helpless" act on my FH, but he's stopped falling for it and given her the "you're a grown woman and you only call me when you need something" speech.

So I have two pieces of advice. 1. Let this resentment towards your MIL go and 2. Speak to your husband about the relationship between him and his mother. My FMIL used to do the same thing to my FH by making him feel guilty and always playing the victim if he didn't have time to help her (with something super simple) and he finally put his foot down. She only did it for attention, she's a very smart and capable woman but she likes to throw pity parties and he called her on that. Clear the air between you and your MIL and let your husband work on his relationship with her however he sees fit after you voice your concerns.

I'm 100% all about setting healthy boundaries between your parents and your marriage. That being said, I do think you're being a little harsh. Of course his mom was upset that you were getting married on a trip with your parents and not his. I think that most parents would be bothered by that. Then you tried to invite her last minute, which isn't exactly helpful. I also think you need to get over the fact that she isn't helping with the vow renewal. It's not your place to judge how she spends her money and you're right, you're not entitled to assistance. If you couldn't afford to host the event in the first place, you shouldn't have. No one can force you to throw a party. The other complaints all seem really typical to me...unreliable transportation, not liking to drive at night...I mean I'm 28 and I'm not thrilled about driving in the dark. It sounds like there may be some deeper issues that are driving your resentment toward your FMIL. Maybe consider counseling, both individually and with your FH, to work through it.

I see both sides of this. I can't imagine planning a wedding and not doing everything possible to include both the bride & groom's parents and siblings, I would be heartbroken if my brother wanted to elope on a vacation with his bride's parents and barely gave me any notice to make it work. I also can't imagine having negative feelings towards her not financially contributing. My father paid entirely for our $60,000 wedding, we didn't get a dime from his parents. Did that change our feelings towards them? Of course not. Did they purchase things for themselves or trips during our engagement? Obviously. I would suggest counseling to deal with these issues with your FMIL.

I can't imagine my son getting married, knowing he was about a year out, and not cluing me in until "last minute" about an important trip. What ya'll did was very hurtful. It's also unreasonable to expect her to contribute when you guys are already married, already made the decision. It feels very "too little too late" here and I feel your issues would be better worked out by consistently including her in other events in your life and showing her she's not playing second fiddle to your family vs. throwing an afterthought ceremony.

You might not like this, but in my opinion you and your husband were wrong. I’m all for elopements and private ceremonies and excluding people if they’re toxic/not in your life. That’s not the case here though. You decided to have a wedding that included your parents and other family friends of yours but didn’t include your husband’s mother. As a mother, if my child did that, I’d assume they didn’t want a relationship with me going forward. She owes you nothing- no money, no time, no effort to put on this reception. If you or your husband has an issue with things she’s asking for, establish boundaries together. If only you have the issues, perhaps your husband and you should discuss boundaries in counseling to get on the same page.

I have to say, our son is getting married this new year's eve and if they planned to only include her family we would be devastated. You're right, it is not her responsibility to contribute financially because it was ultimately your decision to plan this extra event. I do think some of her behavior is attention seeking and borderline manipulative, but I do see fault on both sides. This relationship could use healing and that must come from both sides wanting it to work. I would recommend putting effort into including her, but also work with your husband on establishing boundaries you are both comfortable with. You are going to have to let the past go if you want a peaceful future.

Thanks for the input everyone!

I’ve gotta say I agree with everyone else. You’re being a little harsh. The resentment you’re feeling now stems from a (selfish) decision you and your husband made. Do you blame her for being upset about not being included/clued into her youngest son’s wedding that you knew about well in advance? I don’t. If you had included her from the beginning, that’s one thing. But you guys didn’t offer to have her there until after she found out and had no time to make plans. She felt (I’m assuming) hurt, unimportant, and probably resentful. That’s all spiraling back to you now. I do think you guys need healthy boundaries between the three of you, but what you’re feeling right now is the consequence of the decision you both made to exclude her from your wedding.

View Quoted Comment Edit: I want to clarify that the DW was not known in advance, I said the trip was planned in advance. He did not propose until May and the trip was in June, therefore it was last minute for all of us. Regardless, I see why her being “excluded” was hurtful.

With that being said, I do hear and understand what everyone is saying though. I need to own my 💩 and not hold a grudge towards my MIL for not contributing. It’s our day and no one is obligated to help out in any way. I think my person feelings towards her as a person are playing a role as well, which is something I will have to work on.

Hubby and I actually just left lunch where we discussed my issues with her dependency with him and it actually went well, he realized he can’t be her crutch forever. Thanks again.

So you had a wedding without including her and now you're upset that shes not helping you pay for the reception you're throwing just to placate her? Honestly I'm with MIL on this one 100%

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Yes, that's exactly what I said...

This story makes me really sad for your MIL. I would do whatever I could to repair that relationship, starting with smiling your way through your vow renewal and endeavoring to ditch the unfounded resentment about her "lack" of financial assistance.

There may indeed be some unhealthy boundaries/codependency between your husband and his mother. But that is on him to address. Blaming only her is misguided on your part (codependency goes two ways). The suggestions for counseling are good ones.

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Thank you.