Rant: Tone-dead bridal party

Wow so there were a lot of typos. obviously, it was supposed to say “tone-deaf”. and there were a lot of mistakes in the last paragraph so i’ll just rewrite here:


nybody have advice for people involved in your planning judging the traditional or non-traditional details when they personally know you’re just that kind of person and they just happen to be the opposite? i’m trying to keep in mind that my brother hasn’t been in any kind of serious relationship since starting university and he’s also a dude so he has know clue what kind of information you’re expected to provide to wedding guests. also that my friend isn’t heterosexual and also just started her first real relationship ever so she’s coming from a very different relationship perspective than me.

Like you say, your wedding isn’t as important to anyone else as it is to you. 🙂

I don’t see either of these responses as anything to get overly stressed about. On the first question I’d suggest saying something like “I know you’re not a fan of tradition wording, but that’s the wording I’m using. Given that, do you think this line comes too close to that decorative element?”. Or you could do the layout a couple of ways - as you have it now, and however you’d alter it so text and decoration aren’t as close- and ask her which she thinks looks better. The second issue sounds like you wanted a bit of a vent about having to choose between two things that you don’t want to do (include reception info on invitation or pay for separate invitation cards). I don’t think it’s unreasonable that a college-aged kid doesn’t care about that stuff, and it’s not surprising that he doesn’t understand why you care so much. If you need a second opinion on what to do, then I think you find someone who understands and cares about the issues involved.

If you’re worried about how this dynamic plays out going forward, then I’d suggest articulating what it is you’re looking for when you raise issues with them - do you want them to help you find solutions, or offer sympathy, or just be an ear while you vent? If you make that clear, you’ll be more likely to get the support you’re looking for.

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I just don’t get what’s so hard at age 21 to say “i don’t think reception cards are necessary” instead of “you’re overthinking this ”. keep in mind, he asked to be involved in the planning because he really wanted to provide his input on design choices and all. similarly, with my friend, i obviously chose the wording for a reason and what she would do for her hypothetical wedding doesn’t really matter, so the quip about “your wedding” and “not being traditional” seemed really irrelevant to me. putting the parents’ names on the invitations doesn’t really change the fact it’s still my and my fiancé’s wedding. i didn’t ask her opinion on the wording, but the spacing.

It doesn't matter about the details of the invitation. If you start to analyse and pick apart the quality of your bridal party/ family's interactions according to whether or not you think they are sensitive enough to your long term values about blah, blah ... you are loosing them. You are asking questions about something that clearly is of no interest to them, minor details, and they are responding because they have to. It is not about someone's sensitivity to your Catholic values, someone being a copywriter, or someone having been in a relationship before. You should be planning this with your FI, as it is not in the slightest way any kind of bridal party issue. Refer to a book of style, or a plain old fashioned etiquette book for examples, when neither you nor FI knows something about a written communication. Or to someone a little older with experience in giving formal parties and writing invitations. This is like you needing help with your English homework, and asking the guy at the gas station and the lady at the bakery, instead of going to someone or something with information. Then criticizing them for their quality of response. Your bridal party are not planners, nor are they a committee of helpers. They do not need to listen to 100 hours, or even 2 hours of this chat, during your whole wedding planning process. If one actually has experience or an education about a particular thing, call them up for a real live conversation, nit a work meeting chat, and ask that one person for help. And don't expect them to read any part of your character, only answer the questions you ask. Some time in the 6th or 5th month, start actually talking, like people who are friends do, not coworkers in a meeting, on the phone, or live and start figuring out the clothing issues. If any one of them has volunteered to work with BP, or other friends or family on planning your shower or bach, that they do without you. They will meet, decide their budget, and the kind of party to give, then come to you about dates, and a list of whatever number people, 15 or 30, that they will accommodate. This, is bridal party stuff. 🙂.. As for your invitation issues, the hosts of the party ( financially) go at the top of your invitation. Here, one or both sets of your parents, where they are paying over half total. If you want to list yourselves as sole hosts, not parents, pay for your own wedding. You and FI decide on how close the print is to the decorative line. And receception cards are an option, not in any way a necessity. Choose by budget. As they are rarely used except for the most formal occasions, you may use the standard simple invitation form, wedding followed by a reception ( with or without meal) at *location* from * times* format.

This is why I don't ask people's opinions on my wedding details anymore. Everyone has an opinion, and when it's about your wedding it can hurt. Even my best friends have said stuff like this to me. Good to learn this early.

Hi Alessandra, if you’re able to upload a photo of your invitations, feel free to place here and we can take a look for you ❤️ I totally understand when you want everything for the wedding to be amazing and correct and not getting the response you’re hoping for. Feel free to use us here and we would be happy to help! ❤️

View Quoted Comment Not sharing to be harsh, but I’m just kind of confused. I don’t understand why you’re asking for peoples opinions if you don’t want their actual opinions.

I think your brother actually hit the nail on the head... you are overthinking this.

Breath girl! On one point, you’re way overthinking this. This is just a card, something that will probably get thrown away by the majority of your guests. Your right on the proper etiquette & acknowledging both sets of parents. Keep it simple!

I would suggest stop asking your bridal party and family members for their input. I started planning by making that mistake, and it drove me crazy. It's been MUCH better since I've started answering my mother's constant "how's wedding planning?" questions with "nothing to report." That said, I agree with PPs that you are probably overthinking this. There's no harm in getting into the details, but to get worked up and angry about this really small stuff is counterproductive and harmful to your relationships. Get your FI to look over the designs instead, that way you have someone to talk with, but it's someone who is much more invested in the wedding and sensitive to your opinions.

ETA: people can have opinions on traditional weddings while 1) never having been in a serious relationship or 2) being non-heterosexual. I understand being upset not receiving the reaction you wanted, but that line of thinking and those comments would probably be harmful to those people, and probably raises the question of why did you even ask their opinions, then? It's a dangerous path to start down.

Agree with PP. Stop asking your bridal party for their opinions and that should solve your problems!

I was running into this, although for a slightly different reason. I was getting un-asked for thoughts. But it was really stressing me out. My therapist actually helped a lot & I think would serve you here: you know what you want, go for it. If you really don’t know or don’t care, that is when you go asking for opinions.


It sounds like you care about this & have your own thoughts, so trust that instinct!

View Quoted Comment I asked for opinions on specific things and got opinions on other things!

View Quoted Comment Again, i asked for opinions on margins. not wording. i also didn’t ask for an opinion on the reception card, but was having a vent about not wanting to get them.

If the fine details are for YOU and not for THEM, stop asking them. i feel like you're going out of your way to set yourself to be annoyed with your friends. Your brother is right, as long as the information is somewhere in the invitation suite (on the invite, on a separate card) it literally does not matter where and has nothing to do with etiquette

There is no etiquette that indicates that it is proper to list the people paying for your wedding. Hosting does not equal paying, and it's perfectly proper to send invites as "you are invited to the wedding of" or "together with their families...." instead of listing parents.

You friend not being heterosexual has nothing to do with any of this and its super rude and judgmental to bring up in this context.

View Quoted Comment Because i asked opinions for something specific (margins) and got opinions on something else (wording).

View Quoted Comment You’re acting as if your sexual orientation has no bearing on your outlook on how traditional/non-traditional you are. of course somebody who’s in a relationship that, by society’s standards, is not traditional is more likely to lean towards non-traditional.

View Quoted Comment And there absolutely is etiquette about hosting. lol. just google and you’ll find that out yourself.

Either don’t ask for their opinions or expect to get their opinion on the entire thing you’re showing them and not just the one tiny detail you want. I honestly think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here and the fact that you felt it necessary to bring up your friend’s orientation is a little baffling and off putting to me. That has nothing to do with her opinion on the invitations.

View Quoted Comment I asked my bridal party because they all indicated interest in the design aspect of the wedding. my fiancé, god bless him, has zero clue about design. whereas my bridal party leans towards the creative side: my BFF is a film editor and works with fonts every day, my friend is in communications and also enjoys designing visual aids as a personal hobby, and my brother’s pursuing a minor in fashion. so yes, if they’re offering help, i’m going to ask them about stuff like margins and fonts and colors! but i don’t appreciate unsolicited advice about wording and being told i’m overthinking something just for venting for a minute that reception cards seem unnecessary to me.