To preface, I apologize if my thoughts are disconnected and hard to read, I just figured this would be a good forum to get this off my chest. I don’t love how I sound, and it is crazy and selfish that this is what weighs on my mind when there are real issues and hardships going on in this world, but it is what it is. Talking to my friends I know a lot of us go through similar emotions. We are our harshest critics after all.
Here goes. I just recently lost weight for my wedding. Fifty pounds to be exact. I wasn’t huge to begin with, but I definitely had some weight to lose to comfortably fit into those sample sized wedding gowns. It felt sort of expected that as a bride I should be the most beautiful version of myself on my wedding day, and to me that equated to skinny. It was pretty hard in the beginning, but the more societal praise I received the easier it was to stick with it. The whole time in my head I kept picturing my face tacked onto Adriana Lima’s supermodel body in a sexy but classic and demure wedding dressing walking down the aisle to my handsome groom. In reality, it was my body, fitter but by no means super model worthy, in a pretty but ill-fitted A-line dress, still walking down the aisle to my handsome groom.
On the actual day of my wedding I felt beautiful, mostly because I was so happy to be marrying the goofy, adventurous and devilishly handsome man of my dreams surrounded by those I loved. I remember thinking to myself (before everything really got started) I am all made up and my hair is exactly how I pictured it, but I can still think of days where I felt more attractive. Many of them. My weight was healthy, I reached my "goal"and I was the smallest I had probably been in 5 years. But I was by no means as thin as that day I met my husband. At that time I was in college starving myself after a bad breakup. My new jutting hipbones and more defined cheekbones were getting more and more male attention. But I remember even then I still wasn’t happy. I wasn’t satisfied with the way I looked. I could always be skinnier. My hair could always be longer/thicker, you get the idea.
But on my wedding day, the supposed best day of my life, that was when I had promised myself that I would reach that model ideal I had in my head. That was the day I would reach my full potential. But jokes on me, it wasn’t. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t matter to me at all , because it does, no matter how vain or silly that sounds. Haha obviously it does or I wouldn’t be writing this post. Because of all the weight I lost, the seamstress couldn’t tailor my 5 sizes too big dress any smaller to fit my new body. So instead of showing off my smaller figure my dress gaped in all the wrong places (mainly the chest region). In the grand scheme of things it shouldn’t matter, I married and the love of my life (who loves me at all sizes) and we threw an amazing party. But I still cringe at the handful of photos where you can see the side of my sad deflated breast. I still recall the backhanded comments from some who had some things to say about my underwhelming gown choice.
But the most frustrating part about this whole narrative is that I really did have one of the best days of my life. Not because I felt the most beautiful, but because I allowed myself to stay in the moment and bask in the love and happiness surrounding me. The look on my hubby’s face as I walked down the aisle is one I will never forget. The tears my dad and stepdad shed when they saw me for the first time is something I will always cherish. But as soon as the wedding pictures started showing up on my feed the next day, I was quickly brought back down to reality by my own insecurities. I looked pretty, but not pretty enough. I received comments from others that my pictures where magazine worthy, but I told myself that it didn’t mean that I was magazine worthy, just the talented photographer. I love my wedding pictures, but then I see others and wish I looked like them or had picked a more figure hugging gown etc. or wish I could just redo the day all over to get it just right.
I don’t really think I can sum up this post to a single point, but I do keep asking myself why I have let my own criticism and unrealistic expectations taint my beautiful day. Why do I define my worth by my looks? Why do I allow others to do that? I am just someone struggling with these superficial demons as I am sure many of you have. As much as I know I shouldn’t define myself in this way, it doesn’t stop me from dwelling on that burger I ate yesterday or gossiping about the weight Trisha in accounting gained over the holidays. I want to be better, and I figured writing these ugly thoughts down was the first place to start. And hopefully those of you reading this will see how ridiculous I sound and not let your insecurities ruin your day or your life moving forward.
