Reasonable expectations for bridesmaids?

My only real expectation is for them to support me and this marriage. What I mean by that is basically just a "yes, we approve of this man and this marriage." That's about it, really. My mom and sister are throwing me a bridal shower and my sister is planning a bachelorette thing for me. While I'm very happy about this, it's not something I'm expecting. To be honest, I think my sister is expecting this of herself because that's what she was expected to do as my cousin's MoH for her wedding.

It's all about communication. As a bride, you can lay it out on the table as to what you would like for your girls to do. If you have a long list of demands some of them may look at you like you're crazy and need a chill pill lol. Again have that open communication so as the bride you understand where your girls are coming from as well. There are some girls who are willing to go above and beyond in helping you that will go over your "expectations". But there are also girls who just want to show up by your side on the big day. There is nothing wrong with either or. But it will hurt YOU if you are the one expecting too much from them. At the end of the day you cannot force someone to do something if they are not willing to put in the work.

As for bringing up finances, jobs, etc. I would say have a private conversation with all of them because it seems personal for everyone in my opinion. I will have to have that talk with my girls because all of them have different occupations, finances, and other personal issues they are dealing with.

You got this!

Mine are my adult daughters and my one expectation that I swear to God they better meet is to not bicker the day of my wedding. I would also like them to show up in the dress they pick out and I pay for LOL


For brides with bridesmaids they did not birth, it’s really important to discuss what being a bridesmaid means to you. There is a whole spectrum of things I see brides talk about, nothing can be assumed.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree with this! Every group is different. You have to look at your relationship with them. It's not out of line for you to have a conversation about your desire for a bachelorette or wanting help making DIY centerpieces. But those should still be optional, not necessarily expected. Show up on the day, in the dress is the only realistic expectation you should have.

I think it depends more on who you choose.

For my 4 childhood besties I would have flown around the world in clown shoes with rainbow hair if I had to because thatʻs the friendships we have between us. We support each other no matter what and love on each other relentlessly for milestones.

So no I donʻt think expecting a bridal shower and bachelorette party are unreasonable at all actually, but once you start building a huge wedding party away from your closet friends to please others, things can start to fray because efforts mirror how deep the friendship is and they might not feel that obligation to do the extra things for you; thus the expectations can lead to disappointment. And Iʻm a big fan of enjoying all the fun stuff during this very special moment in your life.

So keep it to your besties and value those who show up for you

Agreed with PP I think that it all depends on who you chose. I have 1 MOH and 2 BM’s. MOH is my best friend from kindergarten; 1 BM is my best friend from college and the other is my cousin. We all are very close. I don’t have sisters (or any siblings) and they are the 3 that I consider my sisters. We have always talked about being in each other’s weddings so it was no surprise. I picked 10 dress styles and let them decide which style worked for their body type, in the color that I selected. They also decided on their shoes. We had a discussion about finances early on and we all agreed that they would pay for their dresses, shoes, hair and nails. I am paying for their makeup as part of their gift. I decided myself on no shower and they generously offered to do a bachelorette weekend which I am so grateful and appreciative for (it will be the 4 of us; I think my FH’s sisters are a little offended but I didn’t want a big thing and I know some social groups don’t mesh well and I really don’t want to be uncomfortable or have anyone else be uncomfortable). I needed help with flowers as I’m not a flower person, my MOH is, and she was glad to come. Any other planning I have handled on my own even though my MOH always wants to help, which is so nice of her. We all respond in the group chat and I know on the day of they will be by my side with their love and support. They truly are the best and I’m lucky to have them. Having the right people and the upfront conversations I think will help in this situation; lay it all out on the table so there is no confusion later on.

I feel my expectations were reasonable yet never met. I just wanted them to be responsive when I send info in the group chat which is literally once every 1-2 months did things like “just checking in to see if you have your dresses yet” crickets. “Or here is the number and address to the tailor appointments should be made by this time the latest” crickets. “Was everyone able to make their appointments?” Crickets. It’s hurtful and makes me sad like why do I even have a bridal party when no one cares. I gave them 6 months to choose a dress I only selected the color, length and material so the uniformity was in that. No one picked so I was forced to pick. I try to be as laid back as I can. I don’t demand anything or put unreasonable expectations on them. I just wanted responsiveness, basic common curtesy. I honestly just want to get married already so I can be done with all the let downs no ones been supportive. Someone had the nerve to say what I had to be stressed about while planning and I was flabbergasted like firstly when has wedding planning ever been a breeze and second there’s a pandemic going on that alters plans everyday🥴

Honestly speaking, if someone decides to participate in someone's wedding, she should be open to financial situations that will occur.

I would not expect anything from anyone. I have learned what I put out and/or do, is not always the same gesture for others. I have been the bridesmaids several times. At each wedding, I was a willing participant always making myself easily available.

Now, I'm happily a bride-to-be. I asked women, who I truly believed was inspirational within my relationship to be bridesmaids in my wedding. To ease the load financially, I have purchased their shoes (sneakers) and shawls, and I am still deciding whether I will buy their hairpins. In keeping with tradition, I have also purchased gifts (bags, tumblers, hangers). I do not want a bridal shower, nor a bachelorette party. I am older and not into the party scene anymore.

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I am truly sorry you are having this experience. Your wedding planning should be the most happiest and memorable event in your life. When events taking place you have mentioned, there are serious issues with the women you have chosen. You should try setting up a meeting, somewhere public, where you can do a meet and greet. Have every lady express any concerns/issues/ideas she might want to contribute to your wedding. Afterward, have a heart-to-heart with yourself. Sometimes, people don't know how to be happy for someone else. I lost my best friend the day I announced I was engaged. I learned not everyone is truly happy for me. I wish you well. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

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Yes exactly. And the wedding industry guilts anyone who doesn't go along either. Making them feel and believe their wedding will be a disaster, their guests will hate or be embarrassed by them, and their marriage will end quickly as a result. None of which are true.