Rehearsal dinner attendees?

Since the future in laws are hosting the party, you need to keep with their desire to not have a lot of guests. That means no out of town family on either side. Invite the bridal party and their SOs, all parents and if there is still room, grandparents, your and FH's siblings and their SOs.

It is perfectly acceptable to just have parents, bridal party, and their SO’s. Inviting out of town guests isn’t necessary especially if you don’t have a large budget for it. I’ve seen people tell out of town guests that they will be at a bar for a couple hours after the rehearsal dinner and out of town guests are free to stop by and say hello and grab a drink with the couple.

We are having 55 people - wedding party + all of our family on both sides (out of town and in town). We both have small families, and we aren't including all all out of town guests. I think you can have a rehearsal dinner as big or small as you want. A lot of the weddings we've gone to have had small rehearsal dinners but then a welcome drinks event at a bar for all out of town guests.

If your in laws are paying for the dinner then you need to respect their wishes. The only people that really need to be at the rehearsal dinner are you two, parents, weddings party, and significant others. If they are able to accommodate more then I’d say go ahead and invite grandparents, siblings, and their SOs.
While inviting out of town guests is nice, it isn’t necessary. I won’t be including out of town guests in my rehearsal dinner. The purpose of the wedding reception is to thank guests, so I feel like that is plenty.

We are having the rehersal dinner but opening it up to a welcome party afterwards for OOT guests. I would not want everyone at the dinner as it is a semi-intimate occasion for your nearest and dearest in the wedding.

They only people who need to be at the RD are those rehearsing. I know it’s hard! I did the same thing where I tried to factor in those out of towners and it got to be like we were having a second reception! So I finally made the firm rule, those who are rehearsing will go to the RD. If they aren’t rehearsing, we will see them the next day.

We are doing parents, siblings, bridal party with their significant others, and some of my aunt's and uncle's.

We invited all OOT guests, who were all family. It's not required for the RD, but that's the way we do it in my family, and my in-laws, who paid for the dinner, also felt OOTs should be invited. But again, it's not required.

You do need to invite parents, siblings + SOs, wedding party + SOs, and your officiant, if you're having an actual rehearsal. We did not have a rehearsal, so we did not invite the officiants to our dinner. Personally, I also feel grandparents should be included as well, but I guess that's a judgment call.

Plus once you count the wedding party & their significant others...it gets to be a lot

You are looking at this backwards. The wedding party and their SO's (or parents if you have ring bearers or flower girls) along with anyone else with a role in the wedding (readers,ushers etc are the first people on the list. Add in the bride and groom, all parents, siblings and their SO's and possibly grandparents. The officiant is invited but they often decline unless they have a close personal relationship with the bride or groom.

OOT's need not be invited. It's a thing that has only been seen relatively recently after the advent of social media. If you have the funds for it, have at it. But it is not a breach of etiquette to exclude them.

If your FIL's have indicated a preference for a smaller guest list, you need to respect that. You could always host the OOT's have coffee or rinks on your own tab after the RD is over.

We are only doing parents, grandparents party and their spouses. We only have about 15 OOT Guests

I am not inviting out of town. Bridal party and the SO's, parents, flower girls and there families, ring bears and there families, grandparents

Have you talked to your inlaws about what they think of as small? Its a long shot, but they might have a much larger definition of small.

I think we're having a small wedding with 55 people, my FW thinks we're having a pretty big wedding with 55 people. Perspective can be different.

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Yes, I agree with Xandria! Clarity is very important. "small" is vague. The RD should be anyone who is rehearsing and their SO's at a minimum. If their budget allows some OOT guests but not all of them, be careful how you decided who to invite and who not to invite. I know that's vague advice but you don't want to invite aunt Sue and then have Uncle Joe hear that she was at the RD but he wasn't even though they both arrived the day before your wedding.

ETA: it's also perfectly acceptable to for the RD to only include the wedding procession and their SO's. That is probably what FH and I will do since we'll have a lot of OOT guests and we can't afford to host two receptions, heh.

View Quoted Comment Don't forget the groom's party. The groomsmen and their SO's need to be invited too.

I flat out refused to invite all OOT guests from my side of the family to the RD. My inlaws would have been ok with me doing do and they invited all of their OOT guests but I did not feel the RD needed to be that many people. I would stick with wedding party (& spouses/guests), both of your immediate families (parents, siblings & grandparents) and anyone else who has a role that day (officiant, readers, singers, etc.).

View Quoted Comment Your rehearsal dinner is 55 people?? That seems insanely huge.

OP, invite the wedding party, parents, siblings, grandparents, and SO’s. Including OOT guests basically just makes your RD a second wedding reception, which is silly.

View Quoted Comment I don’t think my rehearsal dinner is “insanely huge,” but thanks. I was saying she could make it any size she wanted! Our bridal party is 14, plus their plus ones makes 28, plus us makes 30, and our family makes the other 25. We aren’t including all out of town guests. Our wedding is 180 people. We’ve been to other rehearsal dinners of a similar size, smaller ones, and one that was 110 people. I think you can play it however you want it, and sorry if it came across otherwise.

My in laws are wonderful and I’m welcome to invite anyone I’d like to the rehearsal dinner. I don’t want it to seem like a second reception however so I’m not inviting the OOT guests from my side. Just my immediate family, bridal party and SOs, and 2 other people vital to the rehearsal night.

View Quoted Comment I have a similar situation and completely agree!

We are in the exact same situation. We are having about 50 people there because we have so many out of town guests and the people are adding up. We are also doing barbecue.