Rehearsal Dinner Dilemma

Do what your wife wants, its yours and her marriage. Your mother is welcome to host a separate get-together if she feels the need to host extended family.

These are the paths forward that I see. Whichever route you take, and maybe someone else can give another scenario, you and your Future Spouse need to be in agreement.

- Since your mom is paying, you let her invite the 3-5 more guests and the additional 3-5 more guests to make it even.

- Put your foot down, and be prepared for your mom to pull out of hosting the dinner or she will invite the family members anyway. While we like to think these don't come with attachments, more often than not they do.

- Tell your mom you will be footing the bill for the rehearsal dinner and that all you will be hosting are those currently on your list.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree. This is your wedding, and you should do it your way. Also, The rehearsal dinner is traditionally the couple, their wedding party (and their spouses), parents and siblings. The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to thank the members of the wedding party who have taken time out of their schedules to meet for the rehearsal. If these additional family members are not part of the wedding party and are not taking part in the rehearsal, there is no need for them to attend the rehearsal dinner. As PP stated, if your mother feels it is appropriate to host them in some way that night, she can host a separate event.

So an option could be to have your rehearsal dinner separate from a welcome dinner. Your mom could host the welcome dinner and that would be the dinner all the out of town guests and extended family are invited to and then your rehearsal dinner would truly just be those involved in the rehearsal and their spouses. Depending on what day your extended family is coming to town and how local your wedding party is, that could determine which event you host first. My friend's sister had a welcome dinner on Thursday night for the out of town family and then the rehearsal dinner on Friday was just wedding party, parents, and wedding party spouses.

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Interesting, I've always heard that the rehearsal dinner is the wedding party, their significant others, parents, but then also all out of town guests. That's how my family has always treated it anyway.

View Quoted Comment I’ve seen other families do that as well. But no, traditionally it is just wedding party members, parents, siblings and Officiant, as a way of thanking them for taking time out of their schedules to rehearse. Hence the name, “rehearsal dinner”.

Approach it by supporting your future spouse. It doesn’t sound like you want them there as much as you’re being guilted by your mom. You need to stand by your wife and tell your mom you aren’t changing your plans, even if that means them not paying for the dinner. You and FS are your family, you should be on your wife’s side.

In the US, a rehearsal dinner is traditionally only for those participating in the ceremony rehearsal and significant others: bride/groom, their attendants and officiant, plus any family who is actively participating such as an escort. Contrary to popular belief, many are very inexpensive and casual. It is actually less common to invite guests who are not part of the ceremony rehearsal and becomes a welcome dinner in that case rather than a rehearsal dinner. You and fiancé need to compromise because this is the only wedding and rehearsal dinner you will have. You need to be firm on your decision and boundaries with parents as well. Consider covering the costs yourself with a less expensive option if parents are unwilling to budge.

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Yes I thought of that as an idea. I've told my mom we could host my entire extended family for a dinner the night before the rehearsal as a welcome dinner, but I think the fact they wouldn't be invited to rehearsal still doesn't sit well with her.

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There are couples who don't even invite the spouses of the wedding party to the actual rehearsal because there's no need for it. That's something that you should definitely put your foot down about because it's a silly thing for her to be upset at. There's no reason for them to sit and watch rehearsal, they'll see the real thing the next day.

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Thanks. I've told my mom we could host my entire extended family for a dinner the night before the rehearsal as a welcome dinner, but I think the fact they wouldn't be invited to rehearsal still doesn't sit well with her.

View Quoted Comment Okay… but does your wife feel better?

View Quoted Comment Agree with this. You need to get practice in now setting and maintaining boundaries with consequences supporting your spouse as a team. That means you will have to stand firm and tell mom and others no many times. If she oversteps, you have consequences. If you don’t set boundaries and you let her guilt you, she will take that as your blessing to dictate other decisions in your marriage that are none of her business. When parents dictate wedding plans, it is because their parents planned their weddings and they didn’t get to pick what they wanted. You and fiancé get one wedding so plan it yourself so you don’t have regrets. Mom can be as unhappy as she wants but that is not your problem and don’t let her continue to bully you.

View Quoted Comment Unfortunately, it sounds like your mom is just going to have to get over it. You don’t invite spectators to the rehearsal, and you don’t invite extras to the rehearsal dinner - especially when the bride doesn’t want them invited and doesn’t feel comfortable meeting people for the first time at her RD. In this situation, your fiancé’s feelings about her own wedding definitely outweigh your mother’s preferences for her siblings to be invited to an event that isn’t at all about them. You need to explain to your mother that this is not the tradition in America, and that your fiancé does not feel comfortable with it, and you are standing by her side on this matter... and if she would prefer you pay for the rehearsal dinner in light of this, then you will. Make it known that she can host a welcome dinner for family members, if she so chooses… but she will not be hijacking your rehearsal dinner.

You seem to be using the terms "rehearsal" and "rehearsal dinner" interchangably, so I'm a little confused.

Only the people who are actively part of the rehearsal itself attend the rehearsal, unless they rode with their SO's and their SO's are waiting around. I would not invite extended relatives to come watch a rehearsal they're not a part of. It's more of an imposition than an honor.
The rehearsal dinner occurs right after the rehearsal as a thank you to the people who came to the rehearsal. Inviting additional people is optional.

If your FW does not want to meet people for the first time at the rehearsal, she'd rather meet them for the first time at the wedding? I don't get it.
If you're set on not inviting additional relatives, I'd graciously decline your mother's offer to pay, and fund the rehearsal dinner yourselves. If you're open to it, I'd do a casual dinner where your mom can step out early to entertain her family. Don't let/make your mother pay for something she sees as rude and disrespectful. Maybe you could do a thank you brunch the morning after just for extended family.
If you really want your relatives there, you should let your FW know that these people mean a lot to you, you want her to meet them in a more intimate setting, and you'd like them there.
Is there a wedding tea ceremony in your culture? If you incorporate a tea ceremony into your rehearsal dinner, that would completely change the vibe, but it would make more sense to have extended relatives there.
Your extended family does not have to know about the rehearsal dinner. My Asian mother didn't even know what a rehearsal was. My Asian couple friends only invited bridal party and immediate family to their rehearsal dinner. Half their guests (most of them older Asians), ditched the reception right after dinner. They didn't even stick around for toasts.
Your mother may be overestimating how much her siblings want to attend an extra wedding dinner. Her siblings may see it as an extra cash grab, if they're of an older generation and culture that is not familiar with rehearsals and cash gifts are customary.
In Korea, weddings are often seen as an assembly line cash grab that you're obligated to attend. Older parents will pressure their kids to marry before they retire so they can invite all their coworkers to recoup the cash they had gifted at coworker weddings. Younger employees will complain about all the cash they have to spend on the weddings of their superior's kids.
My mom remembers eating a buffet meal while the bride was walking down the aisle, then they kicked everyone out for the next wedding. Another wedding had so many guests that the venue had to send people to a neighboring restaurant. The groom was a businessman who had been invited to many weddings, so he invited over 300 people to get his cash back.
If this is the kind of culture your mother comes from, I'd talk with her about whether her siblings reaaaally want to come to a rehearsal dinner.

I don't understand the point of hosting a separate dinner the night before the rehearsal. That's asking out of town guests to travel an extra day early for a regular, non wedding related dinner, then they have nothing to do the day before the wedding.


If your mom cares about giving her siblings VIP treatment, I'd look into having a tea ceremony just for extended family members during cocktail hour, assuming your culture has an applicable tea ceremony.
My friends did a Chinese tea ceremony in the bridal suite during cocktail hour, and only the Chinese relatives who knew and cared about such a ceremony attended while everyone else enjoyed regular cocktail hour

It's not your mom's decision. It is up to you and your fiancé. The purpose of the dinner is literally in the title - it is for those participating in the Rehearsal. Sometimes couples choose to include other guests, especially those from out of town, but if this is not what your fiancé desires, honestly I would respect her wishes. Learning to set boundaries with your mother is a good first step in your life as a married man. "Her way or the highway" won't work anymore.

I disagree with most and think that if your mom is hosting she gets final say. But what do YOU want to do. This shouldn't be a decision your mom and your FI are fighting about. You don't get to sit this one out and let them decide. You have to be actively involved and tell both sides what you want too.

If it were me, i'd have the rehearsal dinner immediately following the rehearsal as early as you can and then let your mom invite everyone she wants to the hotel bar (or restaruant or bar, whatever) afterward for dessert and drinks or something. Wife gets intimate dinner, mom gets to see and host everyone.

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Sorry about the confusion, I did use rehearsal interchangeably with the dinner but for some reason I'm not able to edit my post. I'm speaking ONLY about the rehearsal dinner itself. The only people doing the rehearsal is the wedding party and immediate family - those actively involved in the ceremony. The aunts and uncles will not be attending the rehearsal itself and my mom only wants to invite them to the dinner. We don't have a tea ceremony in my culture and my asian family is important to me, but they are also notoriously difficult to corral - they're older and have not confirmed whether they're coming yet. I'm uncomfortable being put into a position where I have to "choose" between my mother and fiance and I do understand everyone's replies saying I need to embrace the "team" aspect of marriage. If it were anyone else, of course I would not be trying to be be neutral and find an agreeable compromise.

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I think it would be rude to invite only one half of a couple to the rehearsal dinner. However, I think you mean to just the rehearsal, which yes, there is no reason for spouses to watch.