Rehearsal dinner drama

Did she offer to host the rehearsal dinner and did you accept? If so, she's responsible for choosing all of the decor, food, etc. You can't say "sure, you can throw us a party, but we don't like the way you're doing it."

Yes, she assumed the position of hostess. We don't care what she does decoration-wise, but we were hurt that she didn't take our opinions or our guests food allergies into consideration.

When you accepted having her host the rehearsal dinner, she became the one to have complete decision making over the style or type of meal, the groups of guests included, the budget, the menu, the seating and the decir. You should not be making suggestions she never asked for. This is standard etiquette for all parties, not just wedding related. For showers, engagement parties, Rehearsal dinners, or bachelorette's that you do not host and pay for, you need to respect the hostess and stay out of things. She is right, you overstepped boundaries of good manners here. She feels about what you have done, as you would if she insisted on starting over and picking your bridal party, your gown, writing your vows, and planning your honeymoon. If you do not wish to accept her offer, decline, and plan everything, and pay every cent of costs, yourselves. It apologize for what you have done, and give her back the autonomy in planning she is entitled to have. It is fine to write down the names of individuals with medically restricted diets, and what they cannot have. Then it is up to her.

I see both sides. I think she does need to go by allergies cause we’ll if someone is allergic they are allergic. However she may have other ideas then just fried chicken. I don’t think you can have her host a party for you but you choose how she spends her money.

View Quoted Comment But she can’t expect a person to attend if they can’t eat the food, I think the mom needs to keep allergies into account. It is a bit rude to eat food someone can’t have in front of them.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, in my opinion she is totally in the wrong. Yes it is tradition that the grooms family pays for this but it should be something that you and your fiance want. And I mean come on, we are in the 21st century for goodness sakes, she doesn't have to be so controlling just because it's "tradition." I don't know if you are in the financial situation to do this but if you are just tell her that you will just plan the dinner and pay for it yourself, that way you can do what you want without feeling bad about it. Maybe if you suggest that than she will stop being ridiculous and turn things around to what you want.

While I understand both sides. I agree with you. She needs to at least take into consideration the allergies of the guests that are attending. I have many allergies surprisingly none are food related but I am normally not too pleased when my allergies are not taken into consideration.

View Quoted Comment That is why I said they should write down medically restricted diets, people and what specifically they cannot have. I meant, allergies, lactose intolerances, etc because yes, they are medically necessary. However, what particular foods are served to accommodate to these people's needs should be up to the hostess. Not the bride and groom.

View Quoted Comment I am sorry misunderstood.

For example, B and groom say, for gluten free food and lactose intolerances, hostess should change from fried chicken to tacos. But fried chicken coated with cornstarch (extra crispy) or cornmeal, is gluten free, and using buttermilk in the mix instead of milk makes it lactose free. So if hostess wants to , she can make minor changes to her menu, not completely change the menu to tacos. Or make honey and cornstarch coated, no buttermilk.

View Quoted Comment That's okay. 😉

All you needed and should have told her was the guests' dietary restrictions and time of the rehearsal. As the host, she gets to choose the menu, location, and guest list beyond the required guests. Yes, you're in the wrong for trying to control the rehearsal dinner when she was hosting it. I suggest you both apologize for overstepping.

If you, the bride, don't like fried chicken then FMIL needs to pick something else. That's just dumb.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with Krystle. It makes zero sense for a party to be held for a couple without any input or consideration for what they want.

It is not clear to me, had the FMIL offered to pay? if she had, all you should have done was give her a list of allergies, guests. You can eat fried chicken one night.

I understand the point where she should be able to plan it, but she definitely needs to take medical allergies into consideration. And like you, I don’t eat fried chicken (nothing on the bone) so I would also be upset if all I had at my own rehearsal dinner was a roll and some salad.

My fiance's father offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner, which was SO nice. Prior to accepting, my fiance told his dad what we wanted, guest count & time. We wanted to plan most of it. He asked if he was okay with that, and if not we would pay for it. He was fine with it!

I’m going through somewhat the same situation. My FMIL never asked or was asked to host RD but she just assumed since “tradition” dictated it. I don’t think you’re in the wrong. I feel like tho it’s greatly appreciated for them to host it should also be about what you and FH like.

I see both sides here. If she offered to host and pay and you accepted, I see why she felt you were overstepping by coming at her with unsolicited food and timetable suggestions. That said, despite whatever etiquette says, I think it's strange to throw a party in anyone's honor (wedding related or otherwise) and not at least consider their input, so I think refusing to take a phone call is overreacting.

I think too many people take the 'traditions' way too seriously. I'm pretty sure weddings are way more fun when everyone works together no matter who is paying for what. Especially for example a timeline; it sounds like you and FH are being super helpful by suggesting an event timeline because you know best the schedules of the people in attendance because the wedding party are you guy's friends/family, same with food, she's wasting money if the attendees wont consume it, and again with decor, she's wasting time/money on decor when the place will already be set up. It seems like she's being very rude when you're just giving her suggestions.