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Beginner June 2019

Rehearsal Dinner. Should i be upset or not?

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Randie, on May 15, 2019 at 9:00 PM

So I’m not really sure on etiquette with this. FMIL is paying for rehearsal dinner. The venue has 3 restaurants in it, and we could either do a full menu or choose a limited menu. FH and I chose to do a limited as some of the items on the menu are $30 a plate. I wouldn’t pay that, and I don’t expect her to! We chose 5 main dishes, 2 deserts and the soup and salad bar. When we gave her the menu to send to the venue, she said welll I want this item on there and dad wants this. One of the items was a $30 item. I said you can’t just get that for him and not make it available to anyone else, so you’ll have to pay for it if any others order it. She says that’s fine. I figured they’re paying so whatever, right? Well future father in law is retiring the day before the wedding, date of rehearsal dinner. Last week FMIL calls me and says they’re gonna do a big special deal for dad at the rehearsal dinner! Isn’t that so cool! Ummmmm.....when did our rehearsal dinner become a retirement party?! I realize it’s a big deal, and we’re excited for dad, but can’t you just have a retirement party for him some other time? Am I in the wrong here for being upset? Should I not say anything since they’re paying? But at the same time, I feel this was a really disrespectful thing to do to FH and I.

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27 Comments

Beginner June 2019
Randie · on May 16, 2019 at 2:36 PM
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Thanks! I’m also slightly concerned that MY parents will say something.... to the likeness that “this isn’t the place for this” and it will become a mess. Because one very important family member, in particular, has NO filter! Lol. And if she thinks it, she says it!
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Devoted October 2018
Sarah · on May 16, 2019 at 4:07 PM
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What exactly is a "big special thing." I would be fine with it if they gave him a little shout out and got him a cake, maybe a gift. But if they are trying to do a joint party, (inviting extra guests, hanging a bunch of retirement party decor, etc.), that is where I would draw the line. Since these are your FH's parents, I would make sure the two of you feel the same way and then have him address it.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on May 16, 2019 at 4:28 PM
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If it's a small rehearsal party, and can afford to pay for it yourself, I'd say Thanks, FMIL, But We Got This, then plan it as an actual rehearsal party. No surprises, no worries, no morphing into a Retirement party. This situation would just irritate me. You don't get to commandeer MY Wedding activities because you don't want to go to the trouble of planning a separate event for yours.
Honestly. Some people.
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Beginner June 2019
Randie · on May 16, 2019 at 6:02 PM
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That’s kind of what I was thinking. FH was appalled when I told him, he said that he would find out what’s actually going on, what this “something special” actually is, and we’d go from there.
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Beginner June 2019
Randie · on May 16, 2019 at 6:08 PM
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Thank you! My thoughts exactly! And we were totally prepared to pay for it. She just kind of inserted herself and said that they were paying for it. Which was weird to begin with bc she was totally NOT into doing anything else for the wedding. But now I’m wondering if it was just to take it over. If so, what for? She’s never had a problem planning a party before, why are you hijacking ours? Even my MOH said something along the lines of “it seems like everything you ask her to do is a major inconvenience to her” so then why is she even bothering with the rehearsal dinner at all?
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Beginner June 2019
Randie · on May 16, 2019 at 6:14 PM
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I also don’t think that FFIL is aware of any of this, or that FMIL is planning a special thing for him. FH just said he’d approach it with his father (the one who’s retiring) bc he says that if dad doesn’t know about it (and he’s guessing he doesn’t bc dad would never step on our toes like that) that he’ll definitely put an end to FMIL’s big plans in a hurry.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on May 16, 2019 at 7:09 PM
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I'd be upset at not knowing what she's planning. An unwelcomed surprise is worse than a rude one.
I personally think it's rude, I personally would tell my mother in law myself. But I also don't care for her so maybe don't do that.
I say have fiance investigate his own mother and have him tell you, and advise you on what to do. If it's a cake or a gift it'll be over with and you won't have to worry.
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