Rehearsal Dinner Surprise?

I get that they’re paying for a lot of the vendors, and the rehearsal dinner, but that’s a pretty odd way to act about a surprise one of the people it’s for clearly doesn’t want.
I’m sure it’s not an expense you were planning for (this isn’t exactly a normal situation), but can you and FH pay for the rehearsal dinner yourselves? If it gives you that much anxiety to have a surprise looming, it’s probably worth just letting FMIL know at this point that you guys will just handle it yourselves. That way you’ll be “saving her the expense” but really just saving yourself from the aggravation of it all.

Even if we did do it ourselves, there’d be so much drama and a never ending discussion about how we “took that away from them”. I’m so tempted to say forget everything and let’s just elope. I’m so tired of everyone’s opinions and unwanted advise about our wedding.

It’s awful that they’re making you feel that way. For me, personally, I’d take their overdramatic comments over my own anxiety/panic any day. At least you’ll have taken control of the situation. If you basically begged her in tears, and FH pleaded with her, and she still thinks it’s amusing and necessary to surprise you, you’re going to run into more situations like this in the future with her.
I would push back and set the tone now that if/when you feel strongly about something, your feelings deserve to be respected. Thank her for her help with the wedding, and for her offer for the dinner, but let her know you and FH will be paying for it so you can plan it how the two of you want it.
Hang in there. People will always have unsolicited opinions that you’ll have to tactfully ignore: “thanks, but we have something else in mind” should become your go-to response.

The good news is that you don’t have long to wait and the time will fly by. It’s extremely odd how she is behaving, but don’t think about it. The rehearsal dinner is traditionally something that is thrown by someone else for you so it’s not like you’d have any control even if she told you where it was. I’m sure their heart is in the right place, but maybe they just don’t understand how upset it is making you. Have you been direct with them? Apart from crying about it, have you tried saying that you’re angry at how she’s acting and very overwhelmed?

I agree that your future in laws are acting inappropriately here and should respect your wishes.

That being said, what exactly are you worried about? Do you think they won't actually plan something? Or that it won't be up to your standards? That the guests won't enjoy it? If you are certain that they will plan a nice event, try to think of it as one less thing you have to plan. It sounds like you have no real choice but to live with it.

Yes, her behavior is odd. But she is paying. If you don't want the surprise, pay for it yourself. The common saying you'll find on here is "no pay, no say."

Show up and stay surprised! Thinking and pestering about it won't help. Let them surprise you. I'm with the in-laws in this. It is just a dinner. If it goes bad...Their fault not yours!! Loosen up!

That feels like a weird power move. Ew. The only way to get out of how they're behaving is to host the party yourself.

Im gonna agree with Cuoghi on this one. Just sit back and wait. I know it will be tough. you will be fine. Don't stress over the little things.

I understand that it’s difficult especially if you aren’t a fan of surprises. But I can also see them wanting to do something nice for you two. What is the worse that could happen? My guess is that it’s a nice place or your favorite place and everything will be alright. It’s not meant to freak out about. As long as they are conveying to other bridal party members where it is at? You have enough on your plate to worry about for the big day, so I would let the rehearsal dinner go and just show up and have a good time.

Does she know that surprises give you panic attacks? Could she just think that your tears are do to stress from wedding planning? I personally think that she is trying to surprise you in a happy way. Perhaps it is a place you love that you only go to for special occasions due to the costs and she is worried that you would decline the place. I truly don't feel that she is doing this to hurt you, give you a panic attack, or cause you distress, but she is doing this because she wants to please you. Perhaps sitting down with her and exalting about your panic attacks, feelings, needs etc would help both of you to overcome this situation and prevent future issues